Getting Over a Guy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2005
Getting Over a Guy
7
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 2:55pm

How do you get over a guy? I was seeing someone for about 5 months and when we started seeing each other it was a "friends with benefits" agreement and then the relationship took on its own personality and became a actual relationship which was fine scary but OK. He was different then my ex-husband, he was loving and caring and the sex was amazing. We had a complete equal relationship. We had a great realtionship in and out of bed. He was great with my son. Then we grew apart and he decided it was best for his kids that him and his ex get back together. So we parted ways as friends. I took a break from him and came to realize that somewhere along the way I fell head of heels in love. Well needless to say was stocked and stunned to realize this especially since we had been broken up for a few months. But I dealt with it I went on with my life and was a complete "B" whenever I encountered him. It made me feel better. Finally I realized that he was miserable and that maybe could have the friendship back. Bad Idea I went out with him and some friends on Saturday and we had a long talk and he told me how much he missed me and he unhappy he was and so on and so on. But he couldn't cheat on his "wife" and frankly as much as I want him back in my life I realize its not healthy for me or for my son. Because I would have to look at myself in the mirror and I couldn't do it. All week I have been making myself sick over this situation I love him I really do. I told him that we could be friends and he said he couldn't be my friend that he wanted more with me. Why exactly do men think they can say these things and it have no reaction on a women. I don't know if him knows about my feelings towards him but really. He also works with my best friend which doesn't help matters because they are friends. So how do I get over him. I have already decided that I will not see him for quite awhile. But what else? Please help.

Becky

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 3:50pm

First of all, welcome! And secondly, you’ve absolutely made the best decision for you in letting this guy go… he is asking you to continue your sexual relationship with him (so he can basically be cheat on his “wife”) and have you both. You don’t deserve to be the other woman do you? You deserve a man you can call your own and a relationship you can be proud of…a man who will offer you friendship, love and everything…not just sex.

But to answer your question of how do you get over him? Well, if I were you, I would kill the friendship entirely. It’s too dangerous for you because you are emotionally connected and he will prey on those feelings to get what he wants from you. He already is. Don’t be fooled by statements like “I can’t just be friends, I want more.” It may sound like he wants more a relationship with you, but what he’s really saying is, he wants sex. You’ve got to cut this one out cold turkey.

Next, you’ve got to fill the void he left with other interests: a new hobby, new sport, this message board = ), and take time to learn new things about yourself. For those inevitable times when thoughts of him start creeping back in… try to focus on all the reasons why he is wrong for you and write them down. Don’t be kind, write down all the negatives and then read them when you’re getting weak. Focus on the fact that he just wants sex with you. He’s giving the rest of himself to another woman. That is not fair.
You need a whole guy…a guy that’s into you and wants to make you his top woman…not his woman on the side.

Next, write down all the favorable qualities you want in a guy…and compare that list to the guys that you meet. Don’t settle for an FWB anymore, you have shown yourself that you are vulnerable in those situations. If I were you, I would even put sex off for a while when dating a guy, to make sure you’re dating for the right reasons and get to know each other before jumping in the sack.
Lots of luck to you, and I hope you stay and post more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 3:59pm

hey becky! just after I posted I read an Article on MSN about knowing when you are over your ex…and at the bottom it had tips on how to get over him…

Not over him yet? Three tricks to get you on track
1. Think negative thoughts. Women have a tendency to remember only the good parts. To edge closer to your “I’m so over him” status, remind yourself of all the things you couldn’t stand (Why couldn’t he shut up during movies?). Even better, ask your friends to remind you. They’ll probably have plenty of ammo.

2. Get your new support system going. Got a new job offer? The ex may be the first one to pop into your head to call for advice, but don’t—call your sister instead. Rent going up again? Complain to a coworker. You need to reprogram who you turn to for support and advice so your brain can really erase his presence.

3. Dream up your fantasy man. We all think about what we (or he) could have done differently to make the relationship work. But rather than harping on “what if’s,” make a list of your top five dreamy characteristics in a future boyfriend. And share them the next time you’re out with the girls. Who knows? Maybe they’ve got just the guy for you.

Here’s the link to the whole article: http://msn.match.com/msn/article.aspx?articleid=4039&TrackingID=516311&BannerID=544659&GT1=6553

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 6:15am

Hi Becky! Welcome to our board. I have to agree 100% with Orangeclouds and to be honest, don't have much more to add in regards to what she has already written. We hope you stay on the board and your welcome to rant, rave, vent and laugh with us as much as you want. Tell us a little more about yourself.

Take care,
Catherine

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 9:56pm

I'm working on getting over my x-bf. I'm not sure if I'm doing the best job ever, I did see him the other night and I am hoping he changes his mind and decides he can't live without me and wants to commit to me (hahahaha, ok, even I have to laugh at that, it's never going to happen).

Sigh.

What I did at first was 2 weeks of chocolate, hard candy and potato chips along with lots of crying and feeling sorry for myself. I spend a lot of time 'saying goodbye' in my head to all those dreams I had, and I am slowly letting them go. I'm trying to force myself to call up friends I haven't talked to in a while, I got a new pile of books from the library, I adopted some kittens, and I am getting back into my exercise routine.

The real thing that gets you over someone is time and effort. Give yourself time to let your heart heal, and then make yourself move on. Even if you are just going through the motions of moving on, sometimes going through the motions turns into it being the real thing and before you know it, you have moved on even if your heart was resisting it at first.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2005
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 10:21pm

First,

I did the same thing you are doing, still doing it! After my divorce I invested in hagen daz and oreos and took in two kittens. I was afraid I'd go the next twenty years and end up the local "cat lady". Then I got a good look at myself in the mirror, looked at what my kids saw and said what the heck are you doin' girl??!! I had to pull myself together for them and refocus on me, them, career, finances etc. Began MY life over. Met a great guy, dated for a year and a half. Thought he was "the one" but nope. Wrong again. I found myself doing the same things over again, Almost got the kids a dog in his place, ha ha. Luckily I found myself in the nick of time.

My advice to the poster, and anyone, is that it's a learning process. You need to take what happened in your relationship and make a mental note for the next person you meet. You have to learn even more about yourself. Even if you have a few slipups, ie Icecream sundaes for breakfast, lunch and dinner, dreaming of that perfect dialog between the two of you and how he's sorry, a jerk and loves you and wants to come back forever (at least that's my dream dialog, ha ha) it's not worth beating yourself up over.

I just recently watched the movie Under the Tuscan Sun. I can't say how refreshing it was to watch this woman go through trials in her life to find "self". It wasn't a princess meets prince charming movie. It showed, at least to me, what it is like to REALLY start over, taking chances and most importantly, having faith in yourself, even when you don't have any faith at all.

Good luck everyone with your heartaches. My heart is still aching tonight, but am getting better at dreaming of the man I really need in my life, instead of the man I want in my life who isn't what I really need afterall.

Hugs to all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 2:15pm
I wouldn't see him ever again. That's the best way to get over someone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 9:42pm

Hello and welcome!!

I agree with OrangeCloud's post of the list of things to do as well as all the others. First offers great firsthand comments on how hard this is and how she has taken great self care. And of course fivesense has no-holds-barred discipline advice of not seeing him.

I think you have to do whatever it takes to not have contact with him in any manner. AND you have to try to keep busy with something - more activities, more people contact in your life.

You also have to have faith that he is not meant to be. And that if you could find one you like that much you will find another. Hopefully this time one who will be there for you and commit to you and your kids. Not one that waffles back and forth with an exwife and says those things about her and talks to an ex girlfriend while married.

I know this is hard. But you will get over it in time.

Tell us more about you! Are you happy with the way your life is now? Or do you have wishes and dreams?

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