Getting Started

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2007
Getting Started
1
Sun, 12-23-2007 - 7:05am
Hi, I'm new to this message board. Just thought I'd pose a question. I'm a single mother of 3, divorced. Separated for 2 years and now I feel kind of ready to date. The short of it is, there is a single man at my church. I would just like to get to know him better. I sense that he's a genuinely good guy and would be a positive male influence. But I don't want to date him. To me that's putting the cart before the horse. I would just like to go out to coffee or for some activity-exersize, whatever, to get to know him better to see if I do like him. He may have
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: daph_kers
Sun, 12-23-2007 - 11:07am

Hello and welcome! We love having new people join us!!

You ask how to get the ball rolling - well - that is the million dollar question of anyone who likes someone. But the real answer to your specific situation is severalfold in my eyes. I hope you don't mind me sharing my honest opinion of what I feel is best based on my own experiences and knowledge.

a) He has to be interested in YOU first and he has to indicate he wants to get to know you better and express a romantic interest. Your intention is sort of an answer to "what if he wants to date me" - and it is appropriate to tell him you only want coffee and to get to know each other if he shows an interest first.

b) You can make an effort to look nice and talk to him, ask him questions as you go along - it is great you have the church activity in common.

c) He might view you as unavailable to him since you are separated and not divorced and also since you two work together at the church. You might want to wait until the divorce is final. Are you sure he is really single and available? And do you know if he is interested in you?

d) Many of us here say the divorce should be final for one year until you are really ready to date and be a good person for the one you will date. This allows time for the dust to settle for all involved in the divorce - because there are kids, an exspouse, family members, etc. who have to adjust and your life is not settled until they are all adjusted. I don't know your situation and of course you do feel ready to date and 2 years separated is a long time. This is just something to keep in mind. I would not date a separated person because to me they are still married.

I think that when you do come out of a disappointing marriage that did not work you are in a vulnerable state and do not realize it. You are really delighted to be free again and you crave adult attention and affection. And these things are natural. But one thing to consider is that you need to reestablish yourself as an independent single again - you need to get strong on your own so you don't mind being alone. Otherwise you might not present yourself in your best manner and you might not be as picky as you should be about whom you hook up with. Dating successfully does require a certain knowledge about yourself and what your basic belief system is and what your core values are.

Certainly if he is a single man in a church that should be very good and you are looking in the right place.

I guess I am trying to say
1) be careful because of your situation
2) wait for him - the ball is in his court really - although it couldn't hurt to look your best and encourage more conversation between you.

When a man really wants a woman he will move the heavens and earth to get to her. We like to say that this is when a guy "is really into her" and that is what you want. You also want to make sure he is not with a girl. That will take you some time. But there is no rush, right? And there are plenty of fish in the sea - if it is not him then it might be someone else.

I am sure you will learn a lot if you stay here and participate in our threads.