Gimme All Your Lovin', All Your Hugs
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| Sat, 03-25-2006 - 9:32am |
And Kisses, Too....
So, you know what they say about the best laid plans... I was being so good at playing it cool last night. A couple of old friends from high school were there last night, so we were all having a blast dancing, the music was great, and I basically was in the mind frame of "men? who needs 'em?"
Until creepy drunk guy wouldn't take no for an answer. At first, he just bought me a drink, I said thank you, and thought that would be the end of it. The he wanted to dance, and since the band was playing all fast songs, again, I thought, no big deal, we're all dancing in a big circle, not a biggie. Except he turns into Hands McGrabby, and I am not strong enough to shake him.
So R notices, (we hadn't spoken, other than a quick hello from him when I first got there) and the very next song he seques into is.... "Don't Gimme No Lines and Keep Your Hands to Yourself"... and he makes it known that he's playing it for a reason. I think he said something to the effect of "Somebody out there needs to listen to these lyrics."
So Hands gets the message, or so I think, and off he goes. The girls and I continue dancing. At the end of the set, R approaches me, I thank him and talk to turns to music. Simple. Friendly. No flirting on my part.
End of the night gets there, the band's packing up, and Hands hasn't left yet. I drove the 2 band wives, but they're going home with their husbands, and I'm not comfortable walking out to my car alone with Hands still around. I don't want to seem like a wimpy sissy girl, though, so I don't say anything, just hang out with my friends, trying not to look obvious.
R then notices Hands is still there, and says to me, "Hey, you wanna help me with something?" So he starts giving me little things to do to keep me busy (wrapping wires up, etc) and flirting with me. I'm all for helping to keep Hands at bay, but we've been through fruitless flirting before, so I'm having none of that.
Hands makes it outside, the band's all packed up, and no one wants to leave with Hands still there... it's pretty obvious that everyone is now protecting me, and for once, I didn't care about looking wimpy or girly or whatever. I usually hate the fact that people think women are not capable of taking care of themselves, but last night, in that situation, I was SO glad to have my friends there! He wasn't just a pest, he was a threat, and he was also drunk. I've never had a guy basically not take no for an answer, especially if I was surrounded by my friends, and especially if half those friends were guys his size or bigger. It was creepy.
So, finally, he leaves, one by one, everyone else leaves, then there were two. R and I were left, and to make a long story short (and make this G rated, lol) he asked me to breakfast, I accepted, after that he brought me back to his car, we had a loooong discussion about what we both wanted from a potential relationship.
So, after all this time, he tells me that he's been trying to work up the nerve to ask me out, but he doesn't date other girls, and he doesn't know what I want. Hmmm. Dontcha think you might've asked me?! I said basically, let's just see where it goes. So, then he asks me on a proper date, asks for all of my phone numbers, and the best time to call each.
So, that's my update. Now here's my question- we were both in total agreement that when (IF) we started having sex, we wouldn't be having sex with other people (and we didn't have sex), and he told me that he wasn't dating other girls (but I think that has nothing to do with me- I think), but I never said anything about not dating other guys.
Since technically right this minute I'm not dating other guys, should I have said something? I'm not sure I don't want to be dating other guys, that's the whole point of dating, right? I mean, I should still be dating other guys, right? And of course I'll be honest with all of them, but since he didn't ask, do I have to tell him? I'm pretty sure WorkGuy is going to ask me out, and I'd like to accept- he's nice, funny, and I'd like to get to know him better. I like R, but shouldn't I see if I like other guys better?
This is where I get lost- I've never done the dating thing... once I liked a guy, I was in a relationship with him. Until the time comes where R and I are thinking about having sex, is it okay for me to date other guys? And do I tell the guys that I'm dating other guys upfront, or let them assume whatever they assume?

Wow- what a creep!
Well thank goodness for Mr. Hands - while that is very rude and unnerving - he got the ball rolling for you and R. You handled yourself and everything very very well - kudos to you.
I agree with Alison. You don't have to agree to exclusivity yet - wait and see if R ponies up the intentions of calling and wanting to see you on a regular basis. Then you can discuss and agree before he slides into home plate.
Good work, good story, keep the updates coming!!
YAHOOOOOOOOOO!
Wow, what an interesting turn of events! And a very interesting PUSH to make those turns happen!
Yeah- no one needs to have to experience Mr. Grabby-hands, but I am also kinda glad he was there and did what he did- to be the catalyst for R to make a move. And it does tell you something about what he thinks of you, if he's being protective the way he did last night.
About your dating situation... I don't think you owe R any exclusivity at this point. You've only KIND OF gone out what- twice now? And not really on an official date (though some might say asking you to breakfast was a semi-date in a way) so you're in NO WAY indebted to him in any way. Okay, so I think I'm starting to ramble and being unclear...
I don't think exclusivity should happen until after several more dates- at least. Dates that happen in a consistent manner, too. And with some emotional connection (not just physical chemisty) where you are sharing more personal info and feelings with each other. I'm not sure why he is making comments toward exclusivity when you barely even know each other still.
And for you- don't let yourself get sucked into "instant relationship"! Feel free to go slow, feel free to still date others. Just don't have sex with ANY of the dates until you've decided on exclusivity with one, and sent the others packing first. That would only be fair to the man you pick, as well as to yourself & the ones you DON'T pick.
I think this is a very wonderful development though- and you better keep us updated! And each time you post something, these songs will run through my head. lol
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
I think as far as the exclusivity goes, it was just, for him, a natural part of the coversation we were having. He wasn't asking me, and I didn't take it to mean he was expecting me to be exclusive with him... in fact, I assume that if he met another girl he wanted to date, he would, he just hasn't right now.
I'm not putting any meaning into "And it does tell you something about what he thinks of you, if he's being protective the way he did last night." We've been... friends (I put the dots because we weren't close friends, but more than aquaintances, you know?) for a long time, and I guess I just feel like he's the type of guy who would have stood up for most any girl. Not that I'm discounting it, because I certainly appreciated it! I am just not sure it was done with romantic intentions.
I certainly want to "keep my options open" so to speak, I'm just wondering if, since he hasn't asked, am I supposed to tell him, or will he assume that I'm dating other people, too? And not just R, but what about if I start dating other guys... is it always just assumed that both parties are dating other people until one of them asks for an exclusive relationship? This is all boggy ground and totally new territory for me.
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"I certainly want to "keep my options open" so to speak, I'm just wondering if, since he hasn't asked, am I supposed to tell him, or will he assume that I'm dating other people, too? And not just R, but what about if I start dating other guys... is it always just assumed that both parties are dating other people until one of them asks for an exclusive relationship? This is all boggy ground and totally new territory for me."
Here's a semi guideline I use for this- but it's not any set rule of dating by no means. It's just something I think about when I'm "playing the field"...
I try not to let my body run my thoughts, but when it comes to dating, I usually try not to get into even kissing too soon. And if the guy I'm going out with isn't someone I feel that chemistry with, I won't even try kissing him "just to see"- because that would be leading him on. I've been out with a guy for several dates over several weeks- and not even one kiss, because I just didn't feel that kind of attraction for him. (But I kept going out just to make sure.) And I've been out with other guys where I might be doing some kissing on the 3rd or 4th date (like really kissing, not just the simple good-night kiss). But to me, I can't imagine doing the intimate kissing (making out) with more than one guy at a time. If I were to be "playing the field" and dating a few guys at a time (which is RARE for me), then I wouldn't be making out with ANY of them. But maybe the simple good-night/hello kiss and that's it. To me, even making out with someone means I'm picking HIM, and that's no where near sex yet. Even holding hands is something I'd do only once I started deciding "you're the one I want to concentrate on".
Now, to say how guys are- I'd have to say that many men can be intimately kissing a girl and still be seeing (and kissing) others, too. Or even having sex with them all. (Which bites, IMO- but that's just how it is).
So my answer to this is that you just need to figure out what YOUR boundaries are and stick to them. And know what boundaries you'd accept in the guy- and stick to them, too. If you don't want to be kissing someone who is out kissing everyone else too- then drop him (or stop kissing him) once you find out that he is kissing others. Just decide for yourself. If you were seeing a few different men, would you want to be holding hands with every one of them? Kissing every one of them? Having sex with every one of them? Everyone's different, and everyone has their own boundary limits. I guess the only way to REALLY play it safe to just come right out and talk with your date about it, but at this early stage of dating (still on the first 2-3 dates), I don't think anyone owes anyone else any explanation unless they are wanting to move faster. Another reason to just take it SLOOW and not rush, just so you aren't guessing at anything when it's really just too early to be diving in anyway.
JMHO.
And about R protecting you- okay, so it was more like a "big brother" kind of protectiveness rather than a romantic thing. That's cool too, though! It's just not a signal for anything romantic (drats)- but it's still nice to know it's there! And how handy that it was there the other night!
I guess you're just at the point of just letting time move on and seeing if anything comes up. And if someone else asks you out and you're interested, then there's no "rule" saying you can't go out with them, too.
~shrimpy, who really doesn't like the guessing games of dating
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
Thanks, shrimpy! I guess what you're saying really makes sense, and it has been so helpful! I love the fact that I found this board at this time in my life, because you ladies have been so helpful! All of my "real life" friends either give conflicting advice or have no idea where I'm coming from, and so aren't helpful at all about dating and guys!
Thanks so much!!!
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You told him "let's just see where this goes" Sounds to me like you DID NOT commit to dating just him. If you are not having sex with him, keep dating around. However, it sounds like R would expect a mutually exclusive relationship if you start sleeping with him. Don't sleep with him until you want a mutually exclusive relationship.
I do not think you have to tell him about the other dates. It's none of his business. Just tell him you want to take things slow and get to know him. Build a friendship first. You obviously have chemistry, just try to keep it at bay. That way you can see if you guys are compatible.
Dating is fun. It is not meant to be stressful. Have fun. When it stops being fun, don't date that person anymore.
Now go out there and see if R is any fun!