the girl next door
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| Thu, 06-19-2008 - 7:18pm |
I'll try to keep this as succinct as possible.
Me: 47 years old, divorced 7 years ago, had some girlfriends since but no real *sparks*. Financially secure, good cook, put the seat down, etc. etc. No current girlfriend.
Her: 40 years old, 2 kids (8 & 5), lives right next door to me. Divorced 4 years ago. We're excellent friends, I take care of her kids all the time, bbq together, help her out when needed, etc. etc. We have, uh, 'hooked up' a few times in the years we've lived next door to each other but just as a basic 'friends-with-benefits' thing. It's very rare, maybe 2x a year.
The issue: I'm in love with her. I love her, I love her kids, I love her style, her smarts, her laugh and her easy-going manner. I can easily see us growing old together, our values are so very similar and I'm 100% willing to give up my single life (which has been pretty good) to be with her. But she was SO badly burned in her divorce that she pretty much hates men. No interest at all in getting involved, she's made that clear many, many times.
I've done everything I know how to do, from being supportive in her time of need and being trustworthy with her kids, ensuring that when we do hook up (like I said, it's rare) that she's, uh, satisfied, to, well, pretty much everything. We actually act like a couple, exchanging emails through the day and see each other after work pretty much every day.
I feel she's stuck me in the friend-zone and there's no chance of a deeper, more meaningful relationship.
I've tried to talk with her about this a couple of times. The first time, she got angry and said she wasn't interested in a relationship and gave me the silent treatment for a couple of weeks. The second time (a couple of years later) she made some crack about, "You just never give up, do you? The answer was no two years ago, it's no now."
I've asked some of my male friends and almost all of them tell me to just forget it, she's not interested and that's that. They may be right... but then again, maybe there's something I'm missing.
That's why I'm here, asking this question of intelligent, thoughtful women.

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Hello and welcome to the board. Sounds like you are in a no win situation. If it has been two years and she still has no desire to be nothing more than friends, then chances are slim to none that she will change her mind.
Life is too short to waste it hoping for a future with someone who can't reciprocate your feelings. You sound like a great guy and you may be missing out on a future with someone who can have the kind of relationship you deserve. If you keep hoping things will change you are probably going to end up watching as she eventually ends up with someone else.
I know it is tough to love someone who doesn't love you back, but you can't make someone love you. Time to start focusing on other things in your life.
Stephanie
As a woman, here is my advise:
I agree with buckeyegold - since you cannot make anyone reciprocate - nor would you want to - ITA with this strategy - test her - you would have your answer.
mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16
Since you have talked with her about how you feel and that you want a relationship and she has shunned you both of those times PLUS put you in the friends boat PLUS this has gone on for two years, I think she doesn't like you "that" way. And in my mind if you really want the love of your life you have to accept that and move on. And I know what you are thinking - that is so so painful when you love someone as much as you do and they don't - I have also been in your boat.
I have a dear friend who could be you - he adores me and has done so since 5th grade and we are now in our 40s. We even "did it" about 15 years ago and we tried dating for a few weeks but it didn't work because I don't have romantic feelings for him. I just don't and even if he was the last guy on earth I couldn't have sex with him and that is sad because I know he feels different. I can be happy forever with talking to him every day, letting him come here to hang out with us and going out with him all the time. He is sweet, smart and engaging in conversation (we can talk for HOURS!) and fun. But I don't want a romance, relationship or relations with him. If I had my druthers I would just be friends forever.
Now the bad thing is that I respect his feelings and know that if I remain in his life he won't move on. So, we never see each other anymore - except for like once a year. He understands that I feel the way I do - but if we saw each other a lot he would have hope. Although I did have an explicit talk with him to explain we are not meant to be that way and it is not what I want - and he accepted that and understood it.
Whatever you do - I wish you peace and a good decision for you - I hope our responses help you somehow - you sound so so so nice - I would love for us all to meet someone like you and fall in love and be happily ever after. If only it was that easy!!!!
Thanks, all, for your kind and rational responses.
It looks as if my male buddies have hit the nail on the head, because the responses here are almost identical to the answers of my male friends.
I know that I can't make anyone love that doesn't want to - one can't really make anyone else do anything, can we? - but I was hoping that maybe I had missed something that my guy friends couldn't see.
I guess that's not the case.
I had also hoped that dating other women might give me some different perspective, but the result has always been that I'm far more suited to neighbour as a partner than anyone else I've ever met or been with.
I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do now, but nothing is demanding some sort of urgent, immediate response anyway.
I know you think that you are perfectly suited for her but you need to remember that the only thing you could know for sure at this point is that you are perfectly suited to date her ( except for the part about her not wanting that) So basically if she was raring to go, you two would be good candidates for dating. You dont know the rest because after you legitimately start dating someone ( not what you are currently doing at all!) there are so many more points of compatibility that have to line up. It is like the whole compatibility thing goes back to the beginning and starts over. And for all you know, it would be a mess! I worried for you when I read your post because you might be holding off meeting the person you are truly compatible for something that you only know the first few chapters about and it isnt launching. I have had great friendships with guys where there is flirting and we have even kissed a few times but there is no urge to try further and I think we both know how much things would change if we tried - and probably not for the better!! We know each other very well now and we love time together, enjoy each other's company and love each other's kids, respect one another, and are even physically attracted but to me that is just the tip of the iceberg!! Being in a devoted relationship with children involved is lots more complicated and even though you think you can see how perfect it would be - you simply cant know at all what it would be like looking in from the outside. And I think you would feel better moving on realizing that. You need to get out of the thinking that she is the love of your life and move on to acknowledging that she is a woman who you love who has kept you at arms length to the point you cant possibly know what would happen next. Other women will let you get to the next chapter and then I bet you will think very differently about this woman in some respects. The most ideal relationship is always the one that is just in our heads - it is truly perfect, right?
Be good to yourself and move on - you deserve better!
I have to agree with everyone else on this one.
I think that has happened to all of us!!
I am glad you liked our advice and that you felt it was helpful. It is interesting it agrees with the guys - I guess we are more alike than we tend to think :-)
Anyway, I had one more thought because I was in your shoes with someone I saw every day for 3 years. The only way to get over it and move on is to not see them for a while. Because every time you see her and talk to her you are going to want to start all over again and you are going to find hope. It is hard, but it is doable. Although with the logistics of neighbor that is not easy!! But in time, I think you two can be friends.
I really hope you meet someone nice - women need a lot more guys like you!!!!!!!
~Geesh, can you move next to me?? LOL...
I agree with all the other gals posting, but am going to be a bit blunt too... Is she just not physically attracted to you? Have you stripped naked and looked in the mirror? Sorry, DO NOT mean to sound rude, but if she's slim and active and your the total opposite that could have much to do with it... again, sorry.
I have had some male friends that have promised me the world and are great guys to hang with..but sexually there wasnt that 'Oh MY God' factor, so nothing ever came of it.
I am not saying you need to change your looks or who you are, but just that MAYBE you don't 'light her fire' so to speak...
~Lisa =))
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