the girl next door

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2008
the girl next door
55
Thu, 06-19-2008 - 7:18pm

I'll try to keep this as succinct as possible.

Me: 47 years old, divorced 7 years ago, had some girlfriends since but no real *sparks*. Financially secure, good cook, put the seat down, etc. etc. No current girlfriend.

Her: 40 years old, 2 kids (8 & 5), lives right next door to me. Divorced 4 years ago. We're excellent friends, I take care of her kids all the time, bbq together, help her out when needed, etc. etc. We have, uh, 'hooked up' a few times in the years we've lived next door to each other but just as a basic 'friends-with-benefits' thing. It's very rare, maybe 2x a year.

The issue: I'm in love with her. I love her, I love her kids, I love her style, her smarts, her laugh and her easy-going manner. I can easily see us growing old together, our values are so very similar and I'm 100% willing to give up my single life (which has been pretty good) to be with her. But she was SO badly burned in her divorce that she pretty much hates men. No interest at all in getting involved, she's made that clear many, many times.

I've done everything I know how to do, from being supportive in her time of need and being trustworthy with her kids, ensuring that when we do hook up (like I said, it's rare) that she's, uh, satisfied, to, well, pretty much everything. We actually act like a couple, exchanging emails through the day and see each other after work pretty much every day.

I feel she's stuck me in the friend-zone and there's no chance of a deeper, more meaningful relationship.

I've tried to talk with her about this a couple of times. The first time, she got angry and said she wasn't interested in a relationship and gave me the silent treatment for a couple of weeks. The second time (a couple of years later) she made some crack about, "You just never give up, do you? The answer was no two years ago, it's no now."

I've asked some of my male friends and almost all of them tell me to just forget it, she's not interested and that's that. They may be right... but then again, maybe there's something I'm missing.

That's why I'm here, asking this question of intelligent, thoughtful women.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Sun, 06-22-2008 - 7:43pm

Gerallt-


If you read that Bad Boy article- I hope you DO realize that the bad boys might "get more girls" but they don't KEEP more girls. Either the bad boys get bored and move on to another (they ARE bad boys afterall)- or the girls who got caught up- realize how stupid it was and get out. The bad boys are not Keepers!!! They are always going to be lonely in the long run. Even if they might seem BUSY... I'd bet they are really lonely.


If you are looking for something solid and long-term, that alone makes you a non-bad boy and the women who are smart - will see that.


I also have to agree that if you are going to accept that your neighbor isn't going to be a romantic partner- then the sex HAS to stop. I don't think you could go into it without expectations for more. Because you still WANT more. Having sex with her again- when she doesn't want anything from you but just the sex for the moment... is only going to leave you feeling more cheated in the relationship you want.


And to repeat what others have already said- don't go into any other dating relationship with the intent of trying to get your neighbor jealous. That would not be fair to the girl you are dating, nor is it really fair to yourself, either. And if your neighbor has had over 2 yrs to grow into wanting a relationship with you- and hasn't (even verbally TOLD

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Sun, 06-22-2008 - 9:33pm

Haha- bad boy?

Sure, if a woman wants a fling!

Women do not go for bad boys to settle down with- ESPECIALLY not a single mother! How the heck do you bring the kids on the back on a motorcycle?

And most, MOST, women who have collected at least one "been there, done that" t-shirt can smell a "bad boy" a mile away and will run the other direction!

It's not about becoming a bad boy to attract the right woman. It's about being true to who YOU are and being open when the right one walks into your life.

As for your neighbour, don't be available to her if you have another agenda= ie you're hoping for her to come around. You don't want to become resentful when she finds another guy. I suggest you leave her alone for a few weeks, be busy with something else if she asks a favour, and certainly do not be available for sex with her. Just as some women are used as a booty call, men can be as well- and if you truly want a relationship with her, then YOU have to hold YOURSELF to a higher standard! No commitment = no sex!




Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2008
Mon, 06-23-2008 - 2:29am

Sounds as if she is happy with the way things are going right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Mon, 06-23-2008 - 9:04am

Hey Soonie71, welcome from the 'other' Soonee!


Are you from Oklahoma?


~s~



iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Mon, 06-23-2008 - 12:11pm

Hey gerallt - Could this be a 'reverse case' of why should she buy the cow when she is getting the milk for free?"

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2008
Tue, 06-24-2008 - 7:01pm

Thanks again for all the insightful responses.

I've decided to start distancing myself from her. Not all at once, of course, but spend more time on personal leisure activities - including dating - and just being not so available to her all the time (including sex... which, even though it's rare with her, it's extraordinary!).

Part of this conundrum is her kids. They've grown very close to me, and I to them, and if I just suddenly dropped off the face of the earth it would break their hearts. Mine too, frankly.

My question then would be of notification. Should I let her know that since she's not interested in me romantically that I'm going to get more involved dating other women and pursuing other activities? Or should I just keep my mouth shut about it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Tue, 06-24-2008 - 7:12pm

My feeling on this is that it does not warrant any specific discussion with her about it.

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Tue, 06-24-2008 - 9:18pm

I agree with Pacific, I think that you do not need to have a conversation with her about this.

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Tue, 06-24-2008 - 10:05pm

"Should I let her know that since she's not interested in me romantically that I'm going to get more involved dating other women and pursuing other activities?"

Ok, what would telling her do, other than have her stare blankly at you and have her wonder why you felt you needed to tell her?

You don't OWE her an explanation of your actions. She has drawn the line of where she stands with you, you with her. It's not like you two were dating and now you're wanting to date other people- in THAT case you would owe her a word.

As for kids, they adjust. If you're not as available, they will be ok with that. And you can offer to do something fun with them once in a while- like a hike or fishing. I'm sure they would love it and mom would welcome the break.




Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2008
Sun, 06-29-2008 - 11:31pm
Mine is a nickname my nephew has called me since he could talk.