the girl next door

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2008
the girl next door
55
Thu, 06-19-2008 - 7:18pm

I'll try to keep this as succinct as possible.

Me: 47 years old, divorced 7 years ago, had some girlfriends since but no real *sparks*. Financially secure, good cook, put the seat down, etc. etc. No current girlfriend.

Her: 40 years old, 2 kids (8 & 5), lives right next door to me. Divorced 4 years ago. We're excellent friends, I take care of her kids all the time, bbq together, help her out when needed, etc. etc. We have, uh, 'hooked up' a few times in the years we've lived next door to each other but just as a basic 'friends-with-benefits' thing. It's very rare, maybe 2x a year.

The issue: I'm in love with her. I love her, I love her kids, I love her style, her smarts, her laugh and her easy-going manner. I can easily see us growing old together, our values are so very similar and I'm 100% willing to give up my single life (which has been pretty good) to be with her. But she was SO badly burned in her divorce that she pretty much hates men. No interest at all in getting involved, she's made that clear many, many times.

I've done everything I know how to do, from being supportive in her time of need and being trustworthy with her kids, ensuring that when we do hook up (like I said, it's rare) that she's, uh, satisfied, to, well, pretty much everything. We actually act like a couple, exchanging emails through the day and see each other after work pretty much every day.

I feel she's stuck me in the friend-zone and there's no chance of a deeper, more meaningful relationship.

I've tried to talk with her about this a couple of times. The first time, she got angry and said she wasn't interested in a relationship and gave me the silent treatment for a couple of weeks. The second time (a couple of years later) she made some crack about, "You just never give up, do you? The answer was no two years ago, it's no now."

I've asked some of my male friends and almost all of them tell me to just forget it, she's not interested and that's that. They may be right... but then again, maybe there's something I'm missing.

That's why I'm here, asking this question of intelligent, thoughtful women.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Mon, 06-30-2008 - 9:19am

Howdeee Soonie71!


You're in good company here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2008
Mon, 06-30-2008 - 8:40pm

Hey soonee!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Thu, 07-03-2008 - 11:53am
Hey Geralt, any updates for us?



Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2008
Thu, 07-03-2008 - 12:51pm

Nothing really to report. She and I still hang out though less than we did before. I've dated a couple of different women in the past 10 days or so but no *sparks* or anything of the sort. As well, a close relative was hospitalized for a while which took a considerable amount of time and energy away from other pursuits.

Anyway, nothing's really changed. I'm doing what I can to keep busy and occupied, but it's difficult when she lives right next door and I see her pretty much every day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Thu, 07-03-2008 - 1:27pm

That is tough with her living next door.

I'm glad you're getting out there though, so you can be open to someone who will feel the same about you :)




Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2008
Thu, 07-03-2008 - 8:04pm

Funny timing on this, as a situation came up this evening which might shed some more light on our relationship (and I use the term 'relationship' loosely here).

I was puttering away in my kitchen fumbling around for something to eat when she came to my front door. She was clearly VERY upset. "I'm going out for a bit," she said through gritted teeth. "The kids are driving me around the bend tonight and I HAVE to get away from them for a while." She then stomped over to her car and took off.

I sauntered over to her place and made dinner for her kids, then they 'helped' me clean the dishes. Some minor power struggles ensued, but being as I'm the grown-up, I always win anyway so it wasn't a big deal.

She returned about 45 minutes later after having done some grocery shopping, and all was well after that. She told me that she had 'lost it' with the kids a couple of times but, as kids do, they just wouldn't listen. I didn't offer any advice or make any suggestions, I just let her let off steam. We hung out for a bit though I couldn't stay long as a buddy of mine was on his way over to help me out with something on my car.

Point is this: She's completely comfortable with leaving her kids with me, and I'm perfectly fine with that because the kids and I get along great. She's also comfortable enough to let her emotional guard down in front of me, and I'm OK with that too.

Anyway, there's no moral to this story or any deep meaning. I just find it somewhat odd, even a little heartbreaking, that she's so trusting of me but still doesn't want anything to do with me in the relationship department.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Thu, 07-03-2008 - 9:35pm
Hmm... I don't think it's the fact that she "trusts you" with her kids... it's more like she knows that she can use you to watch her kids while she stomps off to cool down. What if you had plans, would you have spoken up that you weren't available for her to dump the kids off with? She's too presumptuous that you will drop everything to be at her beck and call.



Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 07-03-2008 - 9:47pm

But I have at least 4 or 5 neighbors here that I would leave my DS with if I needed. BUT that doesn't mean I want a romantic relationship with any of them. Those are 2 horses of completely different colors. Totally.

You must accept that she is not into you that way and move on. Don't think about why. It just is what it is. You will always have questions - even if she answered all of the questions there would always be more questions.

There is someone even better out there for you - you will be amazed when you find it.

Have you had luck with backing off with regards to no sex and much less time together?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Fri, 07-04-2008 - 12:05am

I know that you really hope that she'll change her mind, but she won't. And looking at the contact with her as possibilities for you to get "in" isn't healthy for you, because you'll be continually disappointed.

YOU have to be the one to step up the boundaries for yourself so that you don't feel this way. Her coming over and walking out on the kids- you have to NOT be available to her to do that. Bet dollars to donuts if you weren't "able" to watch her kids at a moment's notice she wouldn't continue to show up unannounced and assume you're free to deal with her kids.




Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2007
Fri, 07-04-2008 - 11:01am

Why are you doing this to yourself?