the girl next door

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2008
the girl next door
55
Thu, 06-19-2008 - 7:18pm

I'll try to keep this as succinct as possible.

Me: 47 years old, divorced 7 years ago, had some girlfriends since but no real *sparks*. Financially secure, good cook, put the seat down, etc. etc. No current girlfriend.

Her: 40 years old, 2 kids (8 & 5), lives right next door to me. Divorced 4 years ago. We're excellent friends, I take care of her kids all the time, bbq together, help her out when needed, etc. etc. We have, uh, 'hooked up' a few times in the years we've lived next door to each other but just as a basic 'friends-with-benefits' thing. It's very rare, maybe 2x a year.

The issue: I'm in love with her. I love her, I love her kids, I love her style, her smarts, her laugh and her easy-going manner. I can easily see us growing old together, our values are so very similar and I'm 100% willing to give up my single life (which has been pretty good) to be with her. But she was SO badly burned in her divorce that she pretty much hates men. No interest at all in getting involved, she's made that clear many, many times.

I've done everything I know how to do, from being supportive in her time of need and being trustworthy with her kids, ensuring that when we do hook up (like I said, it's rare) that she's, uh, satisfied, to, well, pretty much everything. We actually act like a couple, exchanging emails through the day and see each other after work pretty much every day.

I feel she's stuck me in the friend-zone and there's no chance of a deeper, more meaningful relationship.

I've tried to talk with her about this a couple of times. The first time, she got angry and said she wasn't interested in a relationship and gave me the silent treatment for a couple of weeks. The second time (a couple of years later) she made some crack about, "You just never give up, do you? The answer was no two years ago, it's no now."

I've asked some of my male friends and almost all of them tell me to just forget it, she's not interested and that's that. They may be right... but then again, maybe there's something I'm missing.

That's why I'm here, asking this question of intelligent, thoughtful women.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Fri, 07-04-2008 - 11:53am

"You analyze every one of her actions."

Yes, he's trying to convince himself that he means more to her than he does. So, every action on his part he's justifying as verification that she needs him, confides in him and trusts him. He's hoping that one day she'll open her eyes and see him standing there and jump into his arms and say, "thank you for waiting for me!"




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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2008
Fri, 07-04-2008 - 4:41pm

Suddenly I'm obsessive or trying to convince myself of something that doesn't exist because I shared something that took place the other day.

WTF???

I didn't analyze anything, I just wrote what happened.

Somebody - I forget who - asked for an update. I provided an update. I even included a line something like I wasn't reading anything into it, and that I had gone out on a few other dates with some other women, but I suppose you missed those parts. Now I'm being accused of being obsessive with delusions of love-everlasting.

I take that as an insult.

For the record, I get it. I made that abundantly clear in more than one of my posts; that, no matter what, I don't mean that much to her other than a neighbour and friend. Maybe you missed that part too.

It might bear repeating that, all things considered, I have a great life; nice place, good job, money in the bank, nice car, etc. etc. It's just this one little aspect of it that's a bit troubling that I'm sharing here.

Perhaps sharing it was a mistake.

By and large, the comments made throughout this thread have been helpful and constructive, and I thank the posters for their insight. But the judgemental tone of these last two have really put me off.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Fri, 07-04-2008 - 5:00pm

I really wish she would "SEE" what she has in you.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2008
Fri, 07-04-2008 - 5:11pm

"How were the other dates you were on?"

They went pretty well. Since they were both first dates, we never really got past the hand-holding stage which is OK by me. I've been pretty lucky in that I have a good ability to be 'in the moment' so I really wasn't doing any comparing or anything of the sort. I just enjoyed the dates as dates, without expectations. I had a second date with one which also went well, but the other one lives out of town and our schedules don't mesh very well. We'll see how that plays out.

"Too bad you couldn't knock her over the head caveman style and claim her as your own, hey?"

LOL. I look pretty silly in a bearskin thong. Besides, knocking someone over the head really isn't my style (at least not in this context).

"You mentioned you've been getting out doing other things, what kind of activities are you trying?"

Oboy... where do I begin? Well, as I mentioned before, a close relative was in the hospital for a short time and things were touch-and-go there for a while so much of my energies and time were consumed by that. But other than that hiccup, I've been biking a lot, hanging out with friends at BBQs and other get-togethers, been to a couple of concerts (that was one of the dates), helping another friend try and score a new job, and I belong to a local service club which keeps me occupied at least one evening a week, on top of working my tail off. It's a good life, it really is! Busy, but good.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Fri, 07-04-2008 - 5:16pm

"I look pretty silly in a bearskin thong." LOL! Great image in my head now!


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