Give Deanna Some Help - ALL

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Give Deanna Some Help - ALL
12
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 3:56am

Hi to all, we had a new poster with an important question in our roll call thread and I didn't want it to get overlooked. I know that so many of us have good stories and advice here. Please help!

"Hi, my name is Deanna and my husband died 15 months ago yesterday. He died from a blood clot that formed during chemotherapy and surgeries. We were married 18 years and have two great kids, Tyler (14) and Krysta )10). I am finally seeing that maybe I can have a happy life somewhere down the road. My problem is that I think I am ready to date, but any friends that we had when we were married don't come around anymore. Basically I have one friend that is married and she can't go out much. So, I don't know how to go out and meet men. I don't think I should go to bars alone, and I am alittle nervous about online. What do you guys suggest. I am so lonely for adult conversation. I just don't know how to go about this. My self esteem is so low right know because it has been 15 months and I have not been asked out once. How pathatic is that? Anyway, sorry for a long posting. Hope someone replies."

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 4:18am

Deanna,

When I read your post I thought we should all pitch in with good advice. Because many of us have been without fun single friends and we have felt lonely and we can relate and offer our support. I just started dating someone, but prior to that I didn't have a date for 4 years. And prior to that I had some bad dating experiences with men who just weren't on the same page with their lives.

I think the most important thing you can do as you embark on this new journey, is to really attend to your own happiness first. I think you have to work on ways to boost your social network and outlet and self esteem as a single person. Church, classes, hobbies, gym, sports, whatever - something for you. Although the kids and their activities can be a way to make new friends, too. I just don't think that should be the only thing in your life. You need a little something for you. I am sure you have worked hard to get them through the loss of their father - that is no small task for sure. But to be a great mom you need something for yourself to look forward to.

Dating later in life is not easy. It is not going to be like it was in your 20s where there are single people all around and plenty of dates. But with that said, there are many things about being older that can make it easier. Like being a formed person with tastes, interests, preferences - all those things help you find the right person.

Maybe you want to focus on your appearance, too. So you feel better about you. Cleaning out the closet, buying a few new things, paying attention to hair - those are all good. And often overlooked by many of us single moms.

At any rate, I think when you start to get out there more you will start attracting the right person and when you make yourself happy then the guy is just the icing on the cake or the cherry on the sundae - he is not the cake or the sundae in your life because that is just too big of a role for anyone and leads to unhappiness. Online dating can be good - but it can be scary, too. There are many of us here who met someone online. Myself included.

I urge you to read all of our posts and jump in with your own opinions. This board has taught me so much!

Hope this helps - and I know the others will chime in - many will be back on Monday when they are at work.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 8:19am

Deanna, I'm so sorry for your loss. If you feel ready to date again, there are plenty of ways to try.

The first thing I'd caution you about though is that you will almost definitely feel rejected by men as you nter this new phase- and you will have to reject some, too.

When we were all younger, dating was easy- you met a guy in high school or college you liked, he asked you out, and that was that. Now, you have to proactively seek them, and they won't all be right for you.

We have many memebers here who have had success with online dating. I personally choose they way before I'd try to pick up or be picked up by a man at a bar.

You can also join meetup groups, Cat could give yu more info on those, or look into singles events in your area. Church, the grocery store, a dog park... men are all the same places women are, it's just a matter of scoping them out, narrowing them down, and then waiting for them to show a sign of interest.

Do the ring check, strike up a conversation, and remember that being friendly is a great way to meet friends. Beyond that, you never know, but who doesn't need more friends?

Good luck, and please stick around- we love having new faces, and I know the others will chime in too.

Moody, maybe a little outgoing


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 8:48am
Hi DeAnna! Although I don't know what it is like to lose a husband, I DO know what it is like to start over after being married most of your adult life. I divorced after 21 years of marriage. I also have a VERY good friend that lost her husband of 32 years in 2003. So, I watched what she went through.
Anyway, Judy has alot of really good suggestions. She is also correct about dating being harder when we are older. Don't be discouraged about not being asked out in 15 months. I have easily beaten that record! Uh, and definitely bars are NOT the place to meet someone decent. LOL!
Do you have any support groups in you area that meet for widows/widowers? My friend attended one called "Widows Mite" through a church. She made several friends and they still keep in touch.
Welcome to the group and I hope you stick around!
Stephanie
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2007
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 9:35am

Deanna,

I am so there with you... my husband passed unexpectedly in a car accident 2 1/2 years ago. That first step was hard. For me personally, I started e-mailing with a guy friend that I had in high school and college and eventually I ended up going out to visit him and voila... my first romantic encounter since dh died. He lived too far away to even consider pursuing a dating relationship so once I was home for a couple of weeks I made the plunge to OLD. Yes, it is scary but in the beginning for me it was a chance to get out of the house with a man and have some adult conversation and meet new people. There definitely weren't "love connections" in the beginning but with each date it got easier. So I think you should try OLD just for practice if for nothing else and maybe you'll find someone you really click with. Best of luck!

Angie

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 10:24am

First I am sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine how overwhelming and hard that would be.

I agree with cl-west's advice. I believe adult conversation and companionship does not equal dating. I would think that it is easier and better for a person in your situation to find groups that you have things in common with to form adult friendships, male and female. Church is traditionally a good place for community for it's a place where you meet regularly and the familiarity creates comfort.

You may want to look into a grief support group as well. There people can relate to what you are going through and that's built in way of having adult companionship in a safe setting.

Take care,
Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 12:44pm

All of what has been suggested so far is great and I do think the self esteem issue is a definite must to work on. You need to feel good about yourself to help you shine outwardly. Is there a hobby you would like to develop or something you've always wanted to try? If so take a class of some sort. Not only builds your self esteem but also gets you out for some "me" time. I think it would be so difficult to keep things balanced for you because you have 2 daughters to help with their loss also. It would be very easy to get caught up looking after their well being especially at those ages.

Hang in there sweetie, dip your toes in the water a little at a time and have fun with it. This board is awesome. Just reading different post is a boost for me at times.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 4:43pm

I am so soryy for your loss, I can't begin to imagine how you feel. It will take time and a lot of patience, but yes you will be happy again.

The others have given you some great advice, I really don't have anything constructive to add other than to say I understand how you feel, no one male or female has asked me out in so many years I lost count. I learned to go out by myself, I even learned to vacation
by myself. It gets lonely, but I have had some fun and met some nice folks on the way.
I was a nerveous wreck at first, but now I'm used to it. Sometimes it just boils down to if you want to pass up having a little fun vs staying home by yourself.

I'm not saying that you won't meet people, I'm just saying that hanging out by yourself
is not all that bad, sometimes you have to do a bit of both.

The T Girl
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2007
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 6:45pm
Thank you so much for your welcome. Also, thank you for your advice. I haven't been able to find a widows group. We live in a small town. I have never heard of Meetups as I have read on the posts. What are they? I actually posted online a profile, but the two guys who responded were not my type. and i was really nervous meeting total strangers. Am considering match.com, I hear that that is a could online site. Very nervous about it and about explaining to my kids how I meet these guys. My son seems okay with the thought of me dating, but not sure how my daughter will feel. So, I have those issues to worry about too. I will work on some of the advice tips you have given me and I will continue on this site to read about how everyone else copes with this dating world. Thanks again
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 8:40pm
How about taking some kind of class in something you are interested in? I went back to school after having my kids and had been "out of the loop" in the social circle for a long time. Taking classes at the college really helped me to get warmed up to meeting people. I met some really good friends that I am still friends with today. It made me ready to be out in the dating world because of the confidence I got from success in the classes and with making new friends.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2007
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 8:30pm

Hey Deanna,

I noticed in your post you were worried about telling your children how you meet these men... in my opinion I believe that you should just say that you are going out for a couple hours for some "me" time. Your kids don't really need to know that you're dating unless it gets to a point where it's definitely going somewhere. Right after DH died I set up a standing arrangement with a babysitter for a few hours once a week. In the beginning I went to a support group, then I began going to movies or doing things for myself that I couldn't do during the day or with the kids and eventually I had a date every now and then. But as far as my children were concerned it was just mom's night out. They have enough things on their plate with losing their father and regular kid stuff they don't need to have mom's dates on their mind, too. Like I said... just my opinion. Hope this helps a little.

Angie (again)

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