Give him another chance or blow him off?

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Give him another chance or blow him off?
22
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 5:16am
Ok, here's the LONG storie.

I can't remember if I mentioned the 37 yr old that is a single dad with two girls? He's one of the guys I had been dating for a short period. I met him through the internet where his girls put him on to try and find him a date.

Now before I tell the storie, PLEASE don't judge me wrong because of the fact that I tend to date Officers in the Military only. It has nothing to do that they are better or not, but I just tend to, because my father was an officer and I was raised a certain way by my parents. I have started to get out of that little box and date non-officers, but I seem to have more in common with Officers in the military, than I do with normal enlisted.

So again, don't think of me as a total snob, because by now you guys should know I'm not.

Here it goes:

When this guy and I started getting in contact, I knew he was in the military. His profile stated that he was divorced, his children live with him, military, university degree and from Texas. All those things sounded really good, because I am a Texan. A single father that actually has custody of his kids, educated and I like military men. So, great! We started talking and I told him that my Dad was a retired officer and that I tend to go out with officers, but I've had a bit of bad luck with them. I ended up hitting one of them in the face (long storie, but basically, he didn't take no for an answer.). Normally, when a guy is in the military you ask them what they do and their rank. He said, he wasn't going to tell me, because I might hit him, because I've hit officers. So with that statement, I assumed he was. I started guessing from the age. I told him he must me a Major. He asked how I thought that; I said because of his bachelors degree. He said "No, I have a BA and also have a Masters." Then I said, ok, then you could be a Lt. Colonel, but that would be the extent of the rank by age. He said "that could be right." So I said, come on and tell me. What's the secret. AGAIN HE SAID me hitting officers, he wasn't going to tell me. He'll wait to tell me on our first date. So I laughed and left it to that.

We talked on the phone and he told me his girls were visiting their Grandparents in Houston and would be back in a week.

Then he told me (I AM JUST SURE HE DID) that his X-wife lived in Hamburg, Germany (which is 6hrs away from where he lives) and has NO Contact to the kids, because she is very career oriented.

Ok, so we didn't meet right away. We just talked alot and he told me about his kids. Ages 16 and 10, his youngest and my oldest Alex are the same age and both of them are called Alex, so we just thought it was really wierd. Everything seemed to fit in place.

A few weeks before we met, his daughters were supposed to come in. He told me they postponed their flight for another week. Then when that week came up, they suddenly postponed the flights again. Then when that week was up they decided, because he is returning to Texas next September to retire and teach at the University as a Professor for Math. So they are to live with the grandparents until he returns (supposidly they only live a few blocks away from the house that he owns). So, I was a little bit weary. I mean, how can they keep postponing flights after flights and then suddenly, they aren't coming at all? He asked me if I was upset because the girls suddely weren't going to be coming back this year. I said no and didn't mention it anymore. I just felt wierd about the whole thing that it was so sudden and that they left all their belongings behind, for what?

Finally, we decided to see each other. We met and he wasn't really my type, but their was something very quiet, comforting and he has a way of talking that makes sense. The fact that he didn't fit to me looks wise, didn't bother me.

Now it continues to get a bit more bent.

Number 1: We kept in contact and saw each other two more times. I found out that his X-wife, really lives in the same town he does but on the other end. I am sure he said she moved up to Hamburg, but I can't be positive. Then, supposidly she is lesbian and she wants no contact to the children. ok---------

Number 2: He continued to keep me thinking he was an officer. I finally got really angry with him, because I told him I didn't know what the big secret was. Then it came out. He isn't a commisioned officer, but a non-commisioned officer; a seargent. Far fetched from a Lt. Col. So basically, I felt he kept me going and lied to me, by making me believe he was something he wasn't, even though he didn't right out lie, but that is basically the same thing. He said he didn't tell me, because he thought it was funny to see me guessing. I think he was keeping me in the dark, because he knew I might not date him if I found out that he wasn't an commisioned officer.

Number 3: He told me he has a Masters. But, down the line, when we kept on talking, he was telling me he was having to read this book and study. I asked him for what. He said to finish his thesis paper for his Masters. Ok, so why say you have a Masters, when in reality, you don't have that little piece of paper in your hand yet? That is kind of jumping the gun, right? And again, not really honest.

Number 4: I had been speaking to him the whole time on the cell phone and it gets really expensive. So I asked us to switch to a home phone. He said he doesn't have one. He uses the cell phone only. I said what about the girls. He said they both have one to and their isn't a reason to have a home phone hooked up. Alarm, alarm, alarm. I just find this all VERY strange.

Number 5: When we talked about the teaching position he has at the University of Houston, he then also said he got another offer for University of Texas. How so? I thought his job at the University of Houston was secured. Now it sounds as if nothing is really secure and that most likely he won't have a position when he gets out. He just assumes he will.

Yet, he doesn't hide me at all. He really does like me and he seems to open up more. He didn't want to date anyone, but his girls told him it was time. He takes me out, he invited me to the military ball, but I couldn't go. He gives me my space, he talks to me about everything. We talk about his girls, he asks me about mine. He gives me great advice. He talks me down when I am upset. He does seem to be a genuine really nice guy.



Yet, I feel that he mislead me in the beginning and the worst part of it, or to top it off, is that my family asked about him after we started dating. I told them he was a Lt. Col. I couldn't tell them I didn't know after 3 dates. So I basically, just took the risk. Now what would I tell my family? That I lied to them?

So I stopped dating him and kind of just left him hanging. He kept trying to contact me and I just didn't do my part. Then two weeks ago, when I got really down, he called me again to say Hi. He said he could hear I was down and wanted to know what about. So he listened to me whine about everything going on. He then talked to me. Made sense with things and kept saying he didn't want me to run away from him and that he is very serious about making us work. That I should meet him half way and take things as slow as I want, but not back off. The guy doesn't come across as a player or womanizer. He seems very genuine and serious about being with me. He's been on the ball for a few months now and just letting me have my space and time. Understanding that the girls come first, being very supportive and always offering to help me if I needed it. I have a feeling that the more he got to know me the more he opened up about himself and the truth of everything came out, because he knew that eventually it would if we kept dating.

So, what do I do? Give him another chance? I feel like I want to clarify all the above with him first, but I am not sure how to go about it. I feel a bit awkward and almost snobby, because it'll make me look like a money grubber or something, when that isn't at all the point. The point is that I feel like he wasn't honest in the beginning and only when he got to know me, did he start dishing out the truth. As for the other strange things, I almost have a feeling he'll tell me that he never said it, or that I misunderstood it or I don't know. I need advice! For those of you who say I should date him again, how do I explain to my family that I lied to them. That's embarrassing for me. Either I have to say that "I assumed" and they think I am a nut case, for not knowing for so long, or that I lied to them or that he lied to me. Either way it looks bad and YES, it is important for me to clarify everything with him and my family. Like a new ground if I do decide to date him again. You guys alway have the best advice, soooooo I'll just wait what you guys dish out. LOL

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 5:28pm

Because your instincts are telling you that he is a good guy, he's supportive and caring toward you, is a good listener,

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 6:24pm
Hi Catherine

I'm going to have to disagree with Maggie here, which is rare. But I think I'd stay clear of this guy.

To me, if a guy has to lie about his rank whether it be because you came off that it was important or not, he is a) insecure and b) a liar. Bottom line. If he wasn't able to say "this is me, take me or leave me", I think that says alot about his character.

The whole thing with the phones and the switching of plans and job offers is weird too.

You have too many red flags about this guy.

And honestly, and this is coming from a place of love and concern, as vulnerable as you are right now, don't you think that maybe you're trying to see the best in this guy a little harder than you should?

Hugs

Tara

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 2:53am
Thanks Tara and Maggie. Both of you were right in both of your outlooks, but I have decided to stay clear. My gut feeling doesn't feel right, even though he makes me feel good and hears me out. I just think their is a bit to much of trying to impress me and not being straight out honest with me. I want someone "REAL".

Thanks you two and big hugs to the both of you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 9:29am
sounds to me like he's playing games. Have you met his daughters? Seen pictures? Sure they exist? I know I'm a skeptic, but...

I think there are "more honest fish in the sea"...

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 10:08am
Yeah, I saw the photos. Haven'T seen his place yet because it's on base and I can't get on at the moment, due to my passport expiring. He did invite me though. I can't imagine him being able to hide all that, but it just comes across as strange that he has to put me through riddles. He's gotta know I would find everything out sooner or later. Does he think that maybe I don't catch on to all the wierdness? Yesterday we wrote and he didn't get back to me suddenly. I didn't hear ANYTHING. I tried to reach him at 10pm, but he then made a busy signal on his phone. I wrote him and told him I thought he was just playing games and this is all getting to be a bit strange. This morning he contacts me at 5:30 am and left a message on my phone saying that he was working all night and he didn't have a chance to contact me. Hmmm. I find this all very strange. Nightshift and whatever. Why doesn't he tell me that yesterday or not able to send me a quick message if he knows that i am trying to reach him. He sent me a email yesterday saying he misses me and thinking of me and then suddenly "POOF" he can't even take a minute to send me a message and letting me know he is working a shift until the next morning? I know this is military, but come on! THis is the new cell phone technology, where you can go about your stuff and still send a message. I just don't have a good feeling. He asked me to go and meet him tonight and talk to him, but I just don't want to right now. I would like to confront him with what this is all about, but at the same time I feel really stupid in doing so.
Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 1:33pm

I'd give him a chance. Doesn't sound to me like he did more than mislead you to be sure you were impressed.


YOU jumped the gun w/the rank issue and then told your family. You'll just have to tell them you guessed, because he left you hanging and you thought you were right. Oops. Hee hee. Then it's done. YOu didn't lie. You just made a mistake. Not a huge issue.


If he's good to you, understanding, stable and caring I would see him again and see how things go. You don't make a major life changing decision at this point. You SHOULD keep your daughters as far out of things (and his kids too) as possible and see how it goes.


Honestly Catherine, he sounds like the most stable guy you've mentioned in a VERY long time. He sounds to me like he was just trying to impress you.


Other issues will jump out at you as flags if his character is bad.


JMHO. keep us posted.

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 2:07pm
Hi! How are you??

I know I'm a new face, so I don't know much about your experiences before, and I'm not really good at dispensing advice...I tend to talk to someone about what my experiences have taught me and allow them to take what they need from whatever I say. So that's what I'm going to do.

I do deal with men that are a little younger than the man you mentioned. I'm 23, so the guys I've dated have ranged from 25-32. However, if there's one things I've noticed, it's that when a red flag comes up, it doesn't matter how old they are.

My one girlfriend is A MAJOR CYNIC! She DOES NOT believe in second chances. I am, however, the complete opposite. I always see the best in everyone. In fact, sometimes I think I see qualities that aren't neccessarily there, just because I want to believe I'm meeting genuine people and not shallow, inconsiderate, insecure jerks. I've come to realize, both of us are never right all of the time.

This last year, I was dating this guy, J. We originally met and hung out for a couple weeks, then he just stopped calling. No explanation, no nothing. Just stopped. Then, about three months later, he started calling again. I gave him another chance. Figured it was a case of wrong timing. So why not, right? I was attracted to him from the get go, and he always made me feel at ease. He'd listen to me. He'd call me. He'd tell me things he wouldn't talk about with anyone else. I was the opposite of every other girl he'd dated. I thought this was all a good foundation for a relationship. NINE MONTHS later...we were still "dating." NO committment, no consistancy, none of that. He gave me every reason in the book to not be in a relationship. " I want to take it slow. I'm not ready. I've got some things to take care of." blah blah blah. The bottom line is, my GUT instinct always told me not to trust everything he said. And too many situations were just so shady, I never knew what was up and down with him. He'd ask to see me every day for three weeks, then he'd disappear for a week. Finally, I said screw it, and I cut off contact with him. I moved on. Dated a couple other guys until I met my boyfriend now. The fact is, if you're gut instinct tells you to back away, trust it. Things can seem great, but any red flags that come up need to be paid attention to. It's not neccessarily that this guy is a BAD guy...he just might not be right for you. ( I said I wasn't going to give advice, but I did anyway..LOL)

So yeah...that's really all I have to say about that. Just trust your gut.

Hugs,

Shelley

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 3:28pm
My opinion is that you have too many suspicions of him already and you are going to continue to raise flags about everything he does. Any explanation or excuses he gives you for his behavior is going to seem suspicious to you at this point. Even if you do decide to give him a second chance, unless you come clean with him about your concerns and give him a chance to clarify things, and unless you are wiling to wipe the slate clean and start over, there is really no point in continuing.

I wonder though, how much of this is about wanting to find something wrong with him? You mentioned earlier that he wasn’t really your type, but that he treated you well. If he was your type would you do anything differently?

I wish you all the best with this one, whichever way you decide to take it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 4:07pm
The family thing is your call, and telling them you just guessed wrong sounds fine to me.

These points still bother me though. Why follows asterisks***

>His profile stated that he was divorced, his children live with him, military, university degree and from Texas.

***My ex had in his profile that his kids live with him, even though he only had them part time. Knowing him, he did this because he didn't want people to know his kids didn't want to be with him.

>We talked on the phone and he told me his girls were visiting their Grandparents in Houston and would be back in a week.



>Ok, so we didn't meet right away. We just talked alot and he told me about his kids. Ages 16 and 10, his youngest and my oldest Alex are the same age and both of them are called Alex, so we just thought it was really wierd. Everything seemed to fit in place.

A few weeks before we met, his daughters were supposed to come in. He told me they postponed their flight for another week. Then when that week came up, they suddenly postponed the flights again. Then when that week was up they decided, because he is returning to Texas next September to retire and teach at the University as a Professor for Math. So they are to live with the grandparents until he returns (supposidly they only live a few blocks away from the house that he owns).

****

this sounds fishy. Knowing what my ex said about my kids, I wouldn't believe this till I talked to the girls and saw him with them.

>He asked me if I was upset because the girls suddely weren't going to be coming back this year.

*****

Why would he ask that? Was he fishing to see if you were suspicious?

>When we talked about the teaching position he has at the University of Houston, he then also said he got another offer for University of Texas. How so? I thought his job at the University of Houston was secured. Now it sounds as if nothing is really secure and that most likely he won't have a position when he gets out. He just assumes he will.

*****

This really bugs me, either he HAS the job or he DOESN'T, and if he doesn't have a job cinched he should say it's "possible", not a done deal. Did he know you're from Texas and might want to return?

>Then he told me (I AM JUST SURE HE DID) that his X-wife lived in Hamburg, Germany (which is 6hrs away from where he lives) and has NO Contact to the kids, because she is very career oriented.

>We kept in contact and saw each other two more times. I found out that his X-wife, really lives in the same town he does but on the other end. I am sure he said she moved up to Hamburg, but I can't be positive. Then, supposidly she is lesbian and she wants no contact to the children. ok---------

****

This would bother me too. Maybe he doesn't want you to know who she is, or why they divorced.


Like I said, there are more fish in the sea.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 11:22pm
ARe you saying that you're going to date him because you're worried that he's going to think you're a snob? Sigh. The guy has proven himself a big liar, a stretcher of the truth since you met him. I think lies of ommision are just as bad as outright lies...and he did both types of lying. WHY do you think he deserves a second chance?

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