Give him another chance or blow him off?
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| Tue, 10-05-2004 - 5:16am |
I can't remember if I mentioned the 37 yr old that is a single dad with two girls? He's one of the guys I had been dating for a short period. I met him through the internet where his girls put him on to try and find him a date.
Now before I tell the storie, PLEASE don't judge me wrong because of the fact that I tend to date Officers in the Military only. It has nothing to do that they are better or not, but I just tend to, because my father was an officer and I was raised a certain way by my parents. I have started to get out of that little box and date non-officers, but I seem to have more in common with Officers in the military, than I do with normal enlisted.
So again, don't think of me as a total snob, because by now you guys should know I'm not.
Here it goes:
When this guy and I started getting in contact, I knew he was in the military. His profile stated that he was divorced, his children live with him, military, university degree and from Texas. All those things sounded really good, because I am a Texan. A single father that actually has custody of his kids, educated and I like military men. So, great! We started talking and I told him that my Dad was a retired officer and that I tend to go out with officers, but I've had a bit of bad luck with them. I ended up hitting one of them in the face (long storie, but basically, he didn't take no for an answer.). Normally, when a guy is in the military you ask them what they do and their rank. He said, he wasn't going to tell me, because I might hit him, because I've hit officers. So with that statement, I assumed he was. I started guessing from the age. I told him he must me a Major. He asked how I thought that; I said because of his bachelors degree. He said "No, I have a BA and also have a Masters." Then I said, ok, then you could be a Lt. Colonel, but that would be the extent of the rank by age. He said "that could be right." So I said, come on and tell me. What's the secret. AGAIN HE SAID me hitting officers, he wasn't going to tell me. He'll wait to tell me on our first date. So I laughed and left it to that.
We talked on the phone and he told me his girls were visiting their Grandparents in Houston and would be back in a week.
Then he told me (I AM JUST SURE HE DID) that his X-wife lived in Hamburg, Germany (which is 6hrs away from where he lives) and has NO Contact to the kids, because she is very career oriented.
Ok, so we didn't meet right away. We just talked alot and he told me about his kids. Ages 16 and 10, his youngest and my oldest Alex are the same age and both of them are called Alex, so we just thought it was really wierd. Everything seemed to fit in place.
A few weeks before we met, his daughters were supposed to come in. He told me they postponed their flight for another week. Then when that week came up, they suddenly postponed the flights again. Then when that week was up they decided, because he is returning to Texas next September to retire and teach at the University as a Professor for Math. So they are to live with the grandparents until he returns (supposidly they only live a few blocks away from the house that he owns). So, I was a little bit weary. I mean, how can they keep postponing flights after flights and then suddenly, they aren't coming at all? He asked me if I was upset because the girls suddely weren't going to be coming back this year. I said no and didn't mention it anymore. I just felt wierd about the whole thing that it was so sudden and that they left all their belongings behind, for what?
Finally, we decided to see each other. We met and he wasn't really my type, but their was something very quiet, comforting and he has a way of talking that makes sense. The fact that he didn't fit to me looks wise, didn't bother me.
Now it continues to get a bit more bent.
Number 1: We kept in contact and saw each other two more times. I found out that his X-wife, really lives in the same town he does but on the other end. I am sure he said she moved up to Hamburg, but I can't be positive. Then, supposidly she is lesbian and she wants no contact to the children. ok---------
Number 2: He continued to keep me thinking he was an officer. I finally got really angry with him, because I told him I didn't know what the big secret was. Then it came out. He isn't a commisioned officer, but a non-commisioned officer; a seargent. Far fetched from a Lt. Col. So basically, I felt he kept me going and lied to me, by making me believe he was something he wasn't, even though he didn't right out lie, but that is basically the same thing. He said he didn't tell me, because he thought it was funny to see me guessing. I think he was keeping me in the dark, because he knew I might not date him if I found out that he wasn't an commisioned officer.
Number 3: He told me he has a Masters. But, down the line, when we kept on talking, he was telling me he was having to read this book and study. I asked him for what. He said to finish his thesis paper for his Masters. Ok, so why say you have a Masters, when in reality, you don't have that little piece of paper in your hand yet? That is kind of jumping the gun, right? And again, not really honest.
Number 4: I had been speaking to him the whole time on the cell phone and it gets really expensive. So I asked us to switch to a home phone. He said he doesn't have one. He uses the cell phone only. I said what about the girls. He said they both have one to and their isn't a reason to have a home phone hooked up. Alarm, alarm, alarm. I just find this all VERY strange.
Number 5: When we talked about the teaching position he has at the University of Houston, he then also said he got another offer for University of Texas. How so? I thought his job at the University of Houston was secured. Now it sounds as if nothing is really secure and that most likely he won't have a position when he gets out. He just assumes he will.
Yet, he doesn't hide me at all. He really does like me and he seems to open up more. He didn't want to date anyone, but his girls told him it was time. He takes me out, he invited me to the military ball, but I couldn't go. He gives me my space, he talks to me about everything. We talk about his girls, he asks me about mine. He gives me great advice. He talks me down when I am upset. He does seem to be a genuine really nice guy.
Yet, I feel that he mislead me in the beginning and the worst part of it, or to top it off, is that my family asked about him after we started dating. I told them he was a Lt. Col. I couldn't tell them I didn't know after 3 dates. So I basically, just took the risk. Now what would I tell my family? That I lied to them?
So I stopped dating him and kind of just left him hanging. He kept trying to contact me and I just didn't do my part. Then two weeks ago, when I got really down, he called me again to say Hi. He said he could hear I was down and wanted to know what about. So he listened to me whine about everything going on. He then talked to me. Made sense with things and kept saying he didn't want me to run away from him and that he is very serious about making us work. That I should meet him half way and take things as slow as I want, but not back off. The guy doesn't come across as a player or womanizer. He seems very genuine and serious about being with me. He's been on the ball for a few months now and just letting me have my space and time. Understanding that the girls come first, being very supportive and always offering to help me if I needed it. I have a feeling that the more he got to know me the more he opened up about himself and the truth of everything came out, because he knew that eventually it would if we kept dating.
So, what do I do? Give him another chance? I feel like I want to clarify all the above with him first, but I am not sure how to go about it. I feel a bit awkward and almost snobby, because it'll make me look like a money grubber or something, when that isn't at all the point. The point is that I feel like he wasn't honest in the beginning and only when he got to know me, did he start dishing out the truth. As for the other strange things, I almost have a feeling he'll tell me that he never said it, or that I misunderstood it or I don't know. I need advice! For those of you who say I should date him again, how do I explain to my family that I lied to them. That's embarrassing for me. Either I have to say that "I assumed" and they think I am a nut case, for not knowing for so long, or that I lied to them or that he lied to me. Either way it looks bad and YES, it is important for me to clarify everything with him and my family. Like a new ground if I do decide to date him again. You guys alway have the best advice, soooooo I'll just wait what you guys dish out. LOL

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Good luck!! It is a jungle out there - no matter where you are.
NOW I am completely dateless for the first weekend that I can remember in FOREVER! LOL
But! I feel good and I am going to stay home, watch the debate, do the whole halloween decoration thing with my kids, my youngest is turning 4 on Monday, so I feel great. I am going cold turkey on all men for exactly one month! No dates, no calls, no nothing. The only exception I am making are the pen pal soldiers in Iraq that I write too. They need me, because they don't have anyone else and I feel like I am making a difference in their lives and I know it makes a difference in mine.
If he is 37-yrs-old and still a sargeant, there's something wrong with that guy. A rank won't lie to you.
The fact that you told your family something that he did not tell you, is not his fault. It is strictly yours.
Like I said darlin, you got yourself the winner! I wasn't doggin enlisted, I was just saying due to my upbringing I had hang ups.
I dated, for many years, a man that was three inches shorter than I am. Yes, he was short, but he was a great person, and treated me very good. Had I been one of those that said, "I only date ......... I would have missed out on a great friendship.
That is JMO but I think all your reasons to not give him a chance are not too serious but only you know how you feel about it. Sometimes little things that aren't serious ARE red flags and sometimes they are just little things. Maybe he is ashamed of not being as accomplished as he wants.
Maybe you want to find out - maybe you don't. It's your call but that is my take on things. If the chemistry isn't there though I wouldn't continue. That is something you can't explain away or fix.
Besides - what happened to this idea? "I am going to take at least a whole month off now before getting back on the scene, but it might even be longer. I need to refocus on my life. This means looking deeper within me. I spend a lot of time with my girls, but at the moment all I want to do is stay at home and shut the door from everyone except my girls. "
good luck with whatever you decide.
Laura
IF you really liked him and you wanted to be given a chance to get to know him…what would you do?
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