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| Sat, 02-26-2005 - 9:28am |
Thanks to all who have answered my how to tell the kids post. I'm taking you up on your offer to help and keep you posted, lol.
It's been almost two weeks since our "talk" about him leaving. I have become stronger and becoming a little resentful about his xf. This resentment is helping me stay focused on the present and I don't cry right now thinking about him going. I'm at the point of "when the heck is he going to go?"
Here's my problem. I have started to "seperate" myself from him, not doing all for him, not putting him first, ie dinners not always cooked unless kids home, don't pick up after him or remind him of appointments, etc. but I find myself falling backwards. Like last night I could have kicked myself. Was all strong for a couple days, did my own thing, hadn't really seen much of him in two days. He goes out and plows all night (10pm-2:30 next afternoon)and was asleep when I got home. Knew he'd be exhausted so My boys and I watched a movie, hung out, and when they went to bed, I didn't go right to bed. Just watched another movie on my own and tried to imagine being alone, him not in the next room. It was great, seemed so easy...famous last words! So what do I do? He wakes up around midnight as I am getting into bed. He says, hi, long time no see. Being all nice, I think, good it's working. Then he asks what the kids and I had for dinner. I asked him if he was hungry and GOT OUT OF BED TO MAKE HIM TWO SANDWICHES! (he says, "I don't want you to have to get up to do that" "I say, I'm restless anyway" DUH!
Come on ladies, help me here. I was kicking myself as I reached for the bread. Love is hard. I want so much to punish him but it's like I take a step forward and then fall back into a well, lol.
My kids are with their dad tonight so I have the freedom to do whatever I want. I have been invited to go out with some girlfriends which sounds like fun. So why is it that I am waiting to say yes or no to them in hopes that HE will want to do something tonight with me? He works till 6 and I probably won't know what his plans are until then. My gut says he'll have made plans with one of his buddies and I'll be ok going with the girls, but I really want to be STRONG and make the plans with them regardless, show him I don't NEED him and am moving on.........but I'm only kidding myself.
Frustrated!
Additon to frustration! He is out of savings, back to living week to week. NO mention of looking for a place no do I see him checking out the newspaper, etc. I only have two weeks until our trip, then when we get back, he's got to figure it out. Because of this, we haven't said anyting to the kids as yet. Want to make sure I have ALL the facts before confusing them.

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GO OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIENDS!!!!! Please, please, please, say yes to them. Go out with the girls. Don't even tell that guy where you are going. Go out and don't look back. Post tomorrow about what a wonderful time you had with the girls.
Honey, this man is not being good to you at all. The money issue is a huge red flag.
Your girlfriends will give you something to do on a Saturday night. You can call them on the phone if you need someone to talk to. It's great to surf the internet on a quiet evening at home. Take up a hobby. Read a book. Get control over your own happiness and don't wait for his answer. Don't wait and wonder what he's going to do.
What is he going to do? He's going to DISAPPOINT you time and time again.
You made him the sandwich because you are a nice person and you care about him. Don't beat yourself up about it. It's okay to recognize this is hard on you though, and you sound like you are ready to put your foot down that after the trip, there is no putting off this decision. He stays or he goes, there can't be a long period of 'deciding.' That is smart and necessary for your continued emotional health.
I hope you went out with your girlfriends. That is a better choice, just to go not worrying about his plans. I understand you wanting to wait, because if it were up to you this relationship would be working out. But go out, he's said he's leaving and you aren't going to save the relationship all by yourself.
Thanks for the advise, fivesense.
I thought I had it all under control, felt like I was taking charge. I went out with a friend, went to the mall, got a new hair cut (lost 5 inches)went out for a drink. Was all set for him to tell me he was going out with friends and I already had something to do.
Well, he called my cell and I jumped. He asked me if I wanted to go with him to his friends house and I said, "no, that's ok, you go". He was so happy I said no that I got pretty angry. Dumb, I know. He seemed like a jerk on the phone. I told him I'd go if he wanted me to keep his friends girlfriend busy while they worked on the basement, and he said he'd go alone.
So, once my anger subsided a bit I met up with him at home and he was acting all nice. Blew my chance to let him have it, lol. So I talked to him a bit then asked him that since I didn't know the what or when of his moving out were, that in the future he'd be better off just telling me he was going out with friends. Don't ask me to go if you don't really want me to because then I'd never know which it was and I'd say no when I really wanted to go, or I'd say yes and he'd be upset because he wanted to be alone. He said he'd work on it.
Two more weeks, then I can tell him to leave. It is really hard keeping the peace right now. Anyway, I told him my friend and I were going out. He suggested a place but I couldn't afford the cover so he gave me some spending money. Guilt? Maybe, but I'll take it, I'll take all I can right now for what he's putting me through. Not my usual nature, but I'm hurt and angry as all heck.
Sorry so long, just needed a little venting. Thanks
And NO, he didn't even mention my hair cut although he knew I had gone. I had FIVE INCHES cut!! He did mention the hair on the floor from my son's haircut. Go figure. No, he's not being good to me at all right now. Thinks he is smug, but he'll get his soon. Wish I didn't still love him.
HI firstamendment
AGain, thanks for the pep talk! I did go out with a girlfriend last night. We went to a local bar/restaurant where we know the bartenders, doormen, locals etc. Listened to a band. Realized that's not the lifestyle I'm used to anymore and don't want to return to it. I'm a little too old for those games. Besides, I looked around and thought, wow, slim pickins here, lol. But seriously, As hard as I tried to have a good time, I couldn't help think of him, and the women that he may be seeing after he leaves. Unhealthy, I know. I became very resentful and hurt that I have to go back to this dating scene when until his xf came into the picture, I was happy, and we had everything going for us. I NEVER thought I'd be in this place in life again and I'm TERRIFIED about starting over.
That being said, It was good I went. Got the first step of being on my own. Realized what I want and don't want. I am going to give myself a good six months of being alone, reconnecting with self and kids, before worrying about the next guy. The hardest part was coming home to an empty house, empty bed, and no one to talk to in the morning. I want to cry, but I can't so I'm just going to take the day (he won't be home until after 5) and start packing some of his stuff.
I decided that I am telling the kids on Wednesday, whether he's ready or not, because they sense something is up. My boys are very close to me and they have been extreme angels, apologizing to me for things,etc. Very unusual for my darling 11 year olds. My birthday is on Saturday and he hasn't even mentioned it. I need my kids to be aware because if he forgets, and I don't take it well, I don't want them to figure it out that way. If he forgets, I'll have all the answers I need I guess.
You did good. I don't like going out to bars either. It's okay to wonder about what he'll be doing, it will make you sad and then make you angry and that is part of the grieve process. I don't think you can avoid that completely, as long as you aren't obsessing about it constantly.
6 months is a good idea, a good amount of time to recover and then be ready to start again. You can do it and it will be worth it, becuase if he doesn't want to stay then he's not the right person, and if he stayed anyway, you'd be stuck with the wrong person for who knows how long (but I know that doesn't make it easier to let him go).
Yeah, I did good, lol. Still alive, still healthy. Didn't break or crumble. Sometimes I think I'm just going to fall apart, lol.
I know that my swing of emotions, happy, sad, angry, resentment are part of my moving on. I am filled with mostly resentment at this point. One minute I love him, want to wake up and think this is all bad dream. I remember all the good about our first 8 months and try to figure what the heck happened. Then I remember his ex calling again, him being weak and letting himself get drawn back in to her web and destroying what a great thing we had, and then to basically hating him and when he's around, I wish SO MUCH that he would just go already. I can't take his being Mr. Wonderful one minute, then Mr. I want to be alone the next.
Fortunately, except for his flaw for fallling for the wrong woman, he is a nice, caring guy who I believe is trying to make this break as smooth as possible for me and the kids. I know some women have to deal with abusive behavior towards the end because the guy doesn't know any other way, so for that, I am greatful and it helps me realise the relationship, as a whole, wasn't a total lie. It helps sometimes, but complicates also. I wish I wasn't so darn understanding to reason (ok, make excuses) for his needing to sort things out. Somedays I believe that, somedays I think it's horse droppings!
I really appreciate your support and hope I get through this without pushing too many people away with my woeful tales,lol.
Hi again!
I didn't realize he wasn't 100% out the door. Is he waffling on whether to leave you or not? Is it because he can't afford to move out? don't let him use you like that, please.
It sounds like you still want him there in some way but also sounds like you at least know you deserve 100% and no less. That's good. I know it's hard when he's still there not to hope things will turn around suddenly. But maybe in all reality the best thing that can happen is for him to move out for awhile and figure out exactly what he wants. It doesn't sound like he doesn't love you but that he is majorly confused and not wanting to end up with a divorce. And it's hard to make these decisions about the rest of your life when you're right in the middle of the situation. There are so many factors when you think about it. The kids. His ex coming back into his life suddenly. His fears about having everything end badly. The money situation. I really can't say he's a bad person. He's confused, you're confused. It's a bad situation.
What's this trip you mentioned? A trip you're going on with him and the kids? I'm not sure why you're waiting until after the trip to tell him to leave.
Is it maybe possible that he go stay with a friend or family for awhile and view this as a "separation" for a little while? Maybe the two of you could have some breathing space and BOTH figure out exactly what you want. Maybe even attend some counseling alone and together?
I just can't honestly say that I think this guy is a bad guy and that this relationship is definitely over. You sound like you love him very much.
Don't try to punish him though. Honestly. I think that is just going to make things worse. If you're allowing him to still live there for the next few weeks, you don't have to wait on him hand and foot. But don't try to manipulate either. I don't think you'll get the result you're looking for.
Big hugs
Tara
It just sucks right now, but it will get better. I know you feel torn and you still love him. But, one day, you absolutely will not love him and you'll blush at the memory of the hoops you jumped through for him. I've done that. Let some guy walk all over me and feel ashamed of myself after I stopped having feelings for him.
Everything is going to work out fine for you after you get this guy out of your house. Don't feel at all bad about taking the spending money from him. I bet if you tallied up all the expenses, he's ending up taking money from you. You'll most likely be money ahead when he's out. I've been in that situation before.
Keep posting your updates. Stay positive. Things will change for the better for you.
I'm not sure why he's waffling. Whether it's because of the money (he just blew through all his tax returns)or if it's because he doesn't want to commit going or staying. I took a few BIG steps this morning. I moved alot of his stuff down to the basement, made more space here. Back to using all MY stuff, none of his. Nothing that the kids would notice, they'll just think the house is neater, lol. But he will notice over time that he is not using any of his stuff anymore and that this is not going to be his place very much longer. I am not trying to manipulate by doing this, I just have to keep moving forward. I can't let him procrastinate. He is waiting on word on one place but hasn't really made any calls.
This is the way he is. He likes to wait for things to come to him. Sometimes he'll go after what he wants, like he did with me, but if there is an easy way, he'll take it, like HER coming back for him. I see clearly now that he is just kicking back and will take the easy road if I allow him to do so.
As far as the trip, we're going to Las Vegas. It is a trip paid for by his company, one I used to work for. I worked there for many years and earned the trip. There are thirteen people going, only two women so I can't very well sleep in the lobby, or room with one of the other guys and it's not a place I can roam around alone. I want to enjoy myself and I want him to enjoy it as well. It may be the last thing we do together and I want the memories to be good ones.
I can't punish him, I can' manipulate him, I don't know how because I love him so much. Sometimes I say I want to, but it's not me, and I'm not going to lose sight of who I am because of this. I want to have no regrets when looking back.
I'm cuious to what he will notice when he comes home tonight.
You're right about the money thing. I was the one carring most of the bills around here, making sure everything was paid up, etc. I'm a pushover, I guess, because when he first moved in, I told him he didn't have to pay a full half of the rent, because I was here with my kids and he didn't have a full half of the apt. He does pay half of all the other bills and groceries etc.
I know once I get over the hump I'll look back and realize that yes, I put more than 80% into this relationship once his xf was back in the picture in september. I should have ended it then, but was trying to be supportive and understanding. It seemed to work, but then she came back yet again and, well, we all know the rest, lol.
Thanks for the positive vibes. They really help.
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