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| Sat, 02-26-2005 - 9:28am |
Thanks to all who have answered my how to tell the kids post. I'm taking you up on your offer to help and keep you posted, lol.
It's been almost two weeks since our "talk" about him leaving. I have become stronger and becoming a little resentful about his xf. This resentment is helping me stay focused on the present and I don't cry right now thinking about him going. I'm at the point of "when the heck is he going to go?"
Here's my problem. I have started to "seperate" myself from him, not doing all for him, not putting him first, ie dinners not always cooked unless kids home, don't pick up after him or remind him of appointments, etc. but I find myself falling backwards. Like last night I could have kicked myself. Was all strong for a couple days, did my own thing, hadn't really seen much of him in two days. He goes out and plows all night (10pm-2:30 next afternoon)and was asleep when I got home. Knew he'd be exhausted so My boys and I watched a movie, hung out, and when they went to bed, I didn't go right to bed. Just watched another movie on my own and tried to imagine being alone, him not in the next room. It was great, seemed so easy...famous last words! So what do I do? He wakes up around midnight as I am getting into bed. He says, hi, long time no see. Being all nice, I think, good it's working. Then he asks what the kids and I had for dinner. I asked him if he was hungry and GOT OUT OF BED TO MAKE HIM TWO SANDWICHES! (he says, "I don't want you to have to get up to do that" "I say, I'm restless anyway" DUH!
Come on ladies, help me here. I was kicking myself as I reached for the bread. Love is hard. I want so much to punish him but it's like I take a step forward and then fall back into a well, lol.
My kids are with their dad tonight so I have the freedom to do whatever I want. I have been invited to go out with some girlfriends which sounds like fun. So why is it that I am waiting to say yes or no to them in hopes that HE will want to do something tonight with me? He works till 6 and I probably won't know what his plans are until then. My gut says he'll have made plans with one of his buddies and I'll be ok going with the girls, but I really want to be STRONG and make the plans with them regardless, show him I don't NEED him and am moving on.........but I'm only kidding myself.
Frustrated!
Additon to frustration! He is out of savings, back to living week to week. NO mention of looking for a place no do I see him checking out the newspaper, etc. I only have two weeks until our trip, then when we get back, he's got to figure it out. Because of this, we haven't said anyting to the kids as yet. Want to make sure I have ALL the facts before confusing them.

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