Go With My Instincts or Over Analyzing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
Go With My Instincts or Over Analyzing?
12
Thu, 04-11-2013 - 8:33pm

Hey there Ladies, quick question for all of you. I met a guy online a few months ago. Still haven't met in person. During the course of our talking, he expressed to me that he has been arrested once in '09" when he was 19 for soliciting a prostitute. He explained that he didn't sleep with her but he got busted by an undercover. Then one time i asked him if he ever cheated on a gf, he said "Yes" once when he slept with his baby's mother. Then one night last month, his co-worker texted me to let me know that he hit on his gf by texting her and telling her things about her body etc. This co-worker claims that he was giving me this info so that i would beware of this guy and see his true colors. I asked him about it and he admitted that he did this but that he was just telling her she was hot, had a nice body, etc. To me, i feel like he has issues with controlling himself sexually. I was willing to overlook the arrest thing, but then i have seen these other 2 instances and i'm wondering now if it's a good idea to take things any further with this guy. Should i just go with my gut and keep it moving or am i over analyzing things and being too picky? Thanks!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Fri, 04-12-2013 - 9:56am

Your gut is broken. Please rely on others opinions if any one of these 3 things you wrote about him are not dealbreakers for you. When someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time. He's a cheater and is willing to pay for sex, meaning that sex is just sex for him, and he doesn't need love to do it. And, he's willing to break the law, which makes him less employable. Choosing a lifetime partner is one of the most important things you'll ever do. Make a list of must haves and dealbreakers and stick to it. Work on your self esteem so you won't think that all you're worth is garbage as a partner. Get some books from the library on how to choose a mature, loving, faithful partner.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Fri, 04-12-2013 - 8:06pm

donnakny24 wrote:
<p>Hey there Ladies, quick question for all of you. I met a guy online a few months ago. Still haven't met in person. During the course of our talking, he expressed to me that he has been arrested once in '09" when he was 19 for soliciting a prostitute. He explained that he didn't sleep with her but he got busted by an undercover. Then one time i asked him if he ever cheated on a gf, he said "Yes" once when he slept with his baby's mother. Then one night last month, his co-worker texted me to let me know that he hit on his gf by texting her and telling her things about her body etc. This co-worker claims that he was giving me this info so that i would beware of this guy and see his true colors. I asked him about it and he admitted that he did this but that he was just telling her she was hot, had a nice body, etc. To me, i feel like he has issues with controlling himself sexually. I was willing to overlook the arrest thing, but then i have seen these other 2 instances and i'm wondering now if it's a good idea to take things any further with this guy. Should i just go with my gut and keep it moving or am i over analyzing things and being too picky? Thanks!</p>

How in the world did his coworker get your phone number?  That would make me really suspicious of both of them.

I vote for "keep it moving".

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
Sat, 04-13-2013 - 1:18pm

Thanks so much guys for your input. Safire... I work on my self esteem DAILY and it's pretty good if i say so myself. I actually am known to be overly picky and over analytical at times because i refuse to accept less than my best. That's why i seek the input of friends and post on here occasionally just to make sure than i am not going overboard and gain sone more insight in the processs. Thanks for your opinion though. Ken... I agree lol and i have been keeping it moving. I notice during this time that he seems to also not have any friends and only talks to me and that makes me feel smothered. Since i stopped speaking to him, he calls and leaves these messages where he sounds depressed and we haven't even met yet. His last voicemail included  "I just wanted someone to talk to..." and it makes me wonder if i am the only person who he can go to. That's pretty sad honestly. The guy used his co-workers phone to contact me for a while after his phone got cut off when he didn't pay the bill. That's how his co-worker got my number and decided to tell me what happened.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 04-13-2013 - 5:35pm

This is why I am against having these long online relationships where people don't meet IRL.  People can create a fantasy of what they are like and maintain it for a while if all their interactions are email or on the phone, but it's a lot harder to pull off in person.  I don't know if the guy was long distance or not and that's why you haven't met.  But that's why I am only willing to look for guys on line (and I don't do that much any more) who are within an hour of where I live.  I want to email for a very brief time and then meet within 2 weeks or so.  You know, my goal is not to have an on line pen pal--I want someone I can be with IRL.

So you have a few red flags here:  a guy who seems to have no friends, a guy who can't pay his phone bill (how irresponsible is that? unless it was shut off for a day and then he got it turned right back on), someone who had a baby and did't marry the mother (yes, sometimes these things happen so you can't always judge someone badly for this, but I'd be curious about the circumstances) and then he would hit on his friend's GF--his excuse was pretty lame--why would he be telling someone else's GF that she has a hot body?  That's inappropriate.  

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sat, 04-13-2013 - 6:13pm

donnakny24 wrote:
<p>Thanks so much guys for your input. Safire... I work on my self esteem DAILY and it's pretty good if i say so myself. I actually am known to be overly picky and over analytical at times because i refuse to accept less than my best. That's why i seek the input of friends and post on here occasionally just to make sure than i am not going overboard and gain sone more insight in the processs. Thanks for your opinion though. Ken... I agree lol and i have been keeping it moving. I notice during this time that he seems to also not have any friends and only talks to me and that makes me feel smothered. Since i stopped speaking to him, he calls and leaves these messages where he sounds depressed and we haven't even met yet. His last voicemail included  "I just wanted someone to talk to..." and it makes me wonder if i am the only person who he can go to. That's pretty sad honestly. The guy used his co-workers phone to contact me for a while after his phone got cut off when he didn't pay the bill. That's how his co-worker got my number and decided to tell me what happened.</p>

To tell you the truth, I would be highly suspicious of anyone I didn't know calling me out of the blue to dish dirt on the person I was talking to who also happens to be his so-called "friend" that they let use their phone.  It would make me wonder if there is some kind of contempt, dislike, competition or whatever going on in that person's mind that they would decide to interject themselves into a situation that didn't concern them and fill your head full of tales without providing irrefutable proof of their allegations at the time they were saying it to you.  This guy has no reason to be truthful to you, either... and his benevolence is born from a jealousy he has against the guy you were talking to.  Chances are, your guy didn't say what he claims he said--he might have paid her a compliment and this guy blew it up out of proportion due to his own insecurities.

It goes to show that your guy has a poor friend picker on top of many other detractions.  Yep, keep it moving.  He'll figure out that he needs to make some changes hopefully sooner than later.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Sun, 04-14-2013 - 11:05am

Don't see yourself as too picky if it's about the guys ethics and their past behavior, which predicts future behavior. You probably see yourself as picky because you have to sift through a lot of sand before you find the treasure. To me, being too picky is to only accept guys with a six-pack, or who make over 80,000 per year, or who have no chest hair, etc. It's not being too picky to expect someone to have the same ethics as you, is financially stable, has a high work ethic, is faithful, kind, respectful, and treats you like the treasure you are.

Tell this guy you have a boyfriend now, so he'll stop calling. If he calls after that, ignore him and hopefully he'll get tired of speaking with a ghost. Keep on cutting the losers loose so you can get to the gold. I had to do that after my divorce and it took 2 and a half years of frustrating dates and brief relationships before finding a man who was worthy of me. Good luck in finding a good guy. It's not easy. Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
Sun, 04-21-2013 - 9:12pm

Music... I don't know why I thought you were married lol. We haven't met yet partly due to the fact that he is a truck driver. When he was home last time, he had a choice of either meeting me or seeing his daughter so i told him to go ahead and spend time with her and worry about meeting up with me at a later time. But then the next weekend came and i notice that he didn't make any effort to plan to meet up and that bothered me and aided in my decision to stop talking to him because i felt he wasn't serious enough. Saffire.. This so called "friend" really was not a friend. He was a co-driver (now ex co-driver because this guy got him fired) of the guy i was talking to. The co-driver's intention of telling me about his girlfriend being hit on was specifically to get me to see who this guy really was. This is what he told me. He said that he did not want me to get hurt and that he wanted to show me what was going on behind the scene. Funny enough, i was on the phone with the guy while his friend was texting me all of this info and i asked him if there was anything that he wanted to tell me. That was when he confessed that he did say things to his co-drivers girlfriend. I asked him if it was also true that he was still talking to his baby's mother (who he admitted that he cheated with while in a relationship) and he denied it. After this situation took place, the guy i was talking to told me that he got his co-driver fired by ratting on him. It seems like he has been jealous of his co-driver because he has a gf and he hates being alone. Just comes off as very immature to me and that turns me off. All of his tit for tat stories were just too much drama for me and my antenna went up even further and i decided to cut it off. He has called a few times and then gradually less and less and his messages consisted of "just wanted someone to talk to" which i felt came off as being lonely and that's strange that he would turn to me. Especially since i wouldn't really consider him a friend and we never met. He hasn't called in a few days now and i don't plan on speaking to him anymore. It seems like he has a problem controlling his sexual urges and the getting arrested for meeting with an undercover prostitute was a big eye opener for me. Although he didn't actually sleep with her (which is his defense), he would have had he not got caught which is disturbing to me. Since then, i have moved on and met a good guy and i am expecting good things, which you guys will hear about for sure.

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Sat, 04-27-2013 - 9:06am

Run hard, run fast, don't look back and change your cell number.  This guy is bad news on SO many fronts it's not even funny.  Go back and read your first post like you didn't write it yourself.  What would you say to the woman who wrote it? No, this one is a MAJOR DUD and as good women, we ALL deserve better. Good luck.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
Wed, 05-01-2013 - 7:50pm

Lol... Amen sister! I have moved on, believe me. Been talking to another guy who seems to be pretty good so far. Looking forward to great things which i will surely post about in the near future :).

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2012
Wed, 07-10-2013 - 3:30pm

Run, don't walk, from this guy! Not only could he have killed someone after making the "choice" to drink and drive...not only has he solicited a prostitute (believe me, he would have slept with her if he hadn't gotten caught)...he's also hit on a friends' girlfriend?? 

You need to steer clear of this guy

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