Is this going anywhere?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Is this going anywhere?
13
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 9:35am

OMG I am so confused. I've been seeing this guy for over a year and things are going well most of the time. Seems like lately I am starting to see that he doesn't seem to want to make any sort of time for me outside what we try to squeeze together between work hours and kids. For instance Wednesday I was off and he didn't call me and then Thursday he didn't have to work until 4:00 in the afternoon. Wouldn't you have thought he'd have called Wednesday night to see if I wanted to do something Thursday for a little while?

Then of course there's the issue of my belongings at his house. I'm there for days at a time and I have to hide my things when the housekeeper comes. She works in the same department as we do and she cleans houses on the side. It irks me that I'm away from MY home living out of a freakin bag and it's insult to injury when I have to hide from the help!!

Am I being unreasonable?

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Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 9:42am

UMMMM??????? How would the housekeeper KNOW it was you, by leaving your things around? I take it you aren't keeping framed photos around for her to see, but just simple items. I think he needs to maybe get another housekeeper or you need to get another boyfriend. Something just doesn't gel right with all of that. Once you have to start hiding and you've been dating this person for over a year, then things are not going to move forward. Sorry to say darlin, but I don't see him that into you. You dont' have to break up with him, but I would definitely start moving your things out permanetly and start making yourself available again. Don't settle with someone that wants to keep you in the closet. BIG HUUUGGGGS TO YOU!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 11:18am

No. I don't think you are un reasonable. Just stop making plans and going and being so available all the time. And during the time away from him, take some time to evaluate if he is what you really want. Is he available enough for you? Is he who you really want to be with.

I would not leave stuff there or be there so much. And if he asks why, tell him what you just told us. It might take him a bit to take notice. And maybe he won't notice- and then yo have your answer.

Good luck and keep us posted!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 12:03pm

Here's the thing though. I don't leave stuff there when I'm not there. I'm talking about a backpack of clothes and bathroom stuff such as a hairbrush and toothbrush and shampoo. I take it all with me when I go back home to the kids, but leave it there when we're going to work. Lately I've been packing it up every day and keeping it in my car and then he asks why I tell him. Just irks me.

But the straw for me was this week when he clearly didn't have to work until 4:00 and didn't even make an effort to see me at all or at least call until he was already on his way to work.

I'm supposed to go over tonight, but I feel like if I do I'm just rewarding the behavior. He had the kids and I over yesterday and it was strained.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 12:21pm

"I'm supposed to go over tonight, but I feel like if I do I'm just rewarding the behavior."

I agree - and I bet you can find some other fun things to do while he sorts it out in his head what he wants.

The other thing is that you can sit down and have a talk with him and explain how you feel.

Why do you think things were strained yesterday when he had you and the kids over?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 3:27pm

Just strained because we had argued a couple of days prior about it and also because I had turned him down about getting together on Saturday. Probably if I hadn't been dwelling on this issue it wouldn't have been such a big deal, but I can't help it.

Summer is coming and he hasn't even taken an interest in when my vacation is and suggested doing anything. He's going away for a week with his kids and had said he hoped I could make it down some time, but that would involve me calling in sick to work and I can't do that.

Already my friends have asked about my vacation and about taking all our kids camping together. Since he has no interest in my vacation I'll be camping with friends. I have 12 days off coming up the middle of July.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 3:41pm
It sounds like everything is all about him. I agree you should go camping with your friends. At the very least you should stop putting forth more than half the effort to keep it going and do your own thing and see what happens.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 9:30am
It's definately a tough call because of our work and kid issues, but it seems like all my friends want to know my vacation time and he hasn't asked! Whatever I guess. I guess it's my problem if I wait for him and miss out on fun with my friends.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 10:36am

Sometimes I think you have to just go and have fun for yourself. And what your friends are doing sound fun and they are asking you.

And sometimes absence makes the heart grow a little fonder. Or it lets you get back from the situation and figure things out. Maybe if you take time away and have fun with your friends you will come to a conclusion about what to do - stick it out or give it up?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 11:41am
Thank you, you are right. For me I get upset because I want to be able to make a decision about doing things and when he asks me last minute and I've already made plans with my friends it doesn't seem to sink in to him and he'll take it personally if I have already made plans!
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 11:58am
You are too worried about what he thinks and how he will feel. Darling, put yourself first. You deserve to do that. He obviously isn't taking your feelings into account.

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