Going Exclusive but not a RELATIONSHIP

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Registered: 04-08-2003
Going Exclusive but not a RELATIONSHIP
11
Tue, 05-15-2007 - 12:28pm

I had the funniest blind date the other night. It was so catastrophic (280 pounds with a comb over), but before I went on this date, M was so hurt about it. He could not get over the fact that I had a date AFTER I kissed him! LOL. I told him "What did you NOT understand when I told you that I was going to date other people?". He said he could never do that to me now because we had a kiss and if that meant nothing to me? And he didn't want me going around kissing other men. LOL.
Anway, needless to say, he was really upset by the whole thing. I ended up telling him I was running late for the date and needed him to just chill out and we'll discuss it later.
Well, the blind date, as stated, was a total CATASTROPHE. I have never been on such a horrible date before. I ended up leaving after an hour and when I got home I called M. Told him about it and he said, "Listen, I KNOW you want to date other people, because you don't want to be in a relationship, but think about this: How about you date ONLY me and we don't have to be "exclusive". Just give me a chance to prove myself. We won't sleep together, we will just get to know each other. If you feel that after a month, you want to kick me to the curb, instead of keeping me, then I will let you, but just give me the chance until then. If after another month (we've been dating casually for 4 weeks)of us seeing each other and further getting to know each other and you want to keep me, then I think we can really talk about going one step further and calling this a relationship."
Sooo, I said OK. We are exclusive, but we arent'. I feel much better, much more relieved because I don't want that pressure of being in a relationship. I'll date only him, but it'll only be dating. I'm not ready to be touchy feely or physical, except for the occasional kissing, because it makes me so whoozy. :) But the reality of it is, I just need more time this time and I really want to see what develops without getting other emotions involved. I'm tired of the endless hurt I've put myself through, but also the hurt my children have felt because they see me hurt. I'm feeling so much more confident in myself.

M is very different and I am starting to see a break in pattern, but not sure how to deal with it yet. I've always dated, affluent, career ambitious, rich, well spoken, intelligent and educated men: All of them JUST like my father.
M is just M. He's none of the above. He's just like the man that raised me who I loved and adored and later died; which broke my heart. Maybe that is why I never gave someone like him a chance to come into my life.
He doesn't have a lot of money, he never finished college, he's in middle management, dresses in Harley t-shirts (but he's not a biker, doesn't own one either) and jeans when away from work, and has a Carolina accent that would throw anyone for a loop and would probably make my Dad have another heart attack. BUT, I've thought long and hard if I really want to continue seeing him, because he isnt' the "prince charming" that I thought would make my father proud. He's Shrek and all the above doesn't matter this time for me because: M is a wonderful father, very caring, very into me, very supportive, and is really interested in me as a person, my children and my happiness. So far, he still hasn't shown an ounce of selfishness. He understands and give me the space that I need, but isn't shy about being into me. He makes me happy, but not the infatuation sort of happy. Does that make sense? I just feel like myself around him. Like I can be the person that I really am inside. I don't feel insecure about myself or that I have to be something I am not. It's just ok to be me and he likes me for that.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 05-15-2007 - 1:00pm

I think M sounds wonderful and that you should give him a chance. Let it grow slow and it will be good. At least that is my vote.

I say blah blah to those rich businessmen - I have had enough of those in my lifetime to choke a horse and don't desire that. I dont want Sax Fifth Avenue, the country club, a mercedes and first class. I want a warm home with a man I love who is fun and into me and who can balance work and life and be into me. That probably means he is not going to be wealthy from my experience. But as long as he is financially stable and responsible that is okay.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Tue, 05-15-2007 - 1:01pm

I just love this, Cat. I love it that M got upset you went out with someone else, so you could both sit down and have the talk that you guys obviously needed- just so you both know where you stand now. I love it that he is willing to give you a chance to find out if he is what you want- and not demanding an all-or-nothing relationship to happen RIGHT NOW. I love it that you are aware of the need to NOT jump into things, but are willing to give M that chance as well. Despite the things you find are so 'out of character' to the things you usually 'go for' as a potential partner.

I think the approach you guys are now taking with your dating (and getting to know each other slowly) is the way we ALL should approach dating. Give each other a chance to see if the other is right and if it's a good match or not. And to NOT rush into anything just to BE in a relationship... but to just look for the right compatibility.

I find it interesting that you tell about how the men who are like your father have all let you down, but now you have found someone who is more like your DAD- and you're scared of getting too close and maybe losing him. There is definitely something to explore there with all that. Sounds like you have a potential keeper there... you just have to let him grow into the treasure that he could possibly be for you.

Personally I like Shrek. Alot. Prince Charmings are full of bull. Give me Shrek any day.

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 05-15-2007 - 1:32pm
I meant to send a laugh about the 280 pounds and the combover. Poor thing! And what a funny story.
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 05-15-2007 - 1:43pm
The worst part about it, is when I asked him how he looked, he said: "You will be pleasently suprised." WEll, I WAS suprised but not pleasantly. He looked like Toad in the book Frog & Toad.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 05-15-2007 - 2:20pm
Poor thing! That is just amazing he would think that. And what a funny book title. At least you have a good sense of humor.
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Registered: 10-07-2005
Tue, 05-15-2007 - 4:47pm

Pleasantly surprised huh?


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Wed, 05-16-2007 - 11:44am

Personally - I love Shrek ! I am so sick of Prince Charming. Give me a down to earth, shoot-from-the-hip, heart-on-his-sleeve, kind of guy anyday. I am sick of the arrogance and baggage that comes with the flashy car and imposssible schedule.

I say "Give Shrek a Chance" - Good luck to you - this sounds like fun to me and it seems to have some promise. Let's face it....you haven't been happy with the previous men in your life so this one might be just what the doctor ordered. Plus .....we have to share the 280lb comb overs with the rest of the world LOL!

Best of luck to you - I look forward to your updates!

Rose - who seems to have a Shrek of her own... :)

Rosecolouredspecs
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 05-16-2007 - 1:35pm
I agree! I am just trying to figure out WHO in their right mind would ever do a comb over in this day in age? But this is the SECOND guy I've dated who had one. A year ago, I had a blind date set up by a friend and now this one was totally blind because it went through OLD. So many people crack jokes about the comb over that I would NEVER dare to wear one! I would rather wear a toupe.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Wed, 05-16-2007 - 2:00pm

Personally - my preference is for men who are balding to shave it right off. I find men who are completely bald (shaved to the skin) to be extremely sexy. I can't explain it but men who are shaved completely bald but have some facial hair (goatee, no beards though, etc) are even hotter to me. The comb over is a sad sad joke....it makes me howl with laughter for all the wrong reasons. This guy sounds like a real winner....poor guy... lets have a moment of silence for the 280lb comb over...may he one day see the light....

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 05-16-2007 - 3:56pm
Well then I guess I have a very hot hunk, because M shaves his head every day, even though he has a complete set of hair and has the goattee to boot. I am trying to talk him into growing it out just a little. I want to see what he looks like with some fuzz on the head, not to be confused with fuzz in the ear or nose. LOL.

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