Going thrugh Divorce and in Love...
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| Sun, 03-19-2006 - 7:13pm |
Hi Everyone! I'm new... Here the long and short of it...I just started a divorce a few weeks ago. I'm a very young 30-something with an almost 5-year old son. We're already on our own and hopefully the divorce won't take long to finalize. I've been in controlling relationships all my life and finally decided to break the cycle after 10 years of marriage. Here's the deal - I fell in love with someone at work a long time ago, but always told myself that it could never happen. I fell out of love with my husband years ago...
Anyways, I went out for drinks after work with a few friends and asked the guy I liked out with us and he came out. We were talking and he said in his words that he was interested in me (even though I was still married). He did end up kissing me goodnight and it was absolutely incredible! It was probably the best kiss that I had ever had ;-) So, we got to talking to each other a bit more over the next weeks (this was 6 weeks ago) and even started fooling around. I'm a very moral person and never ever concieved of having an affair, but I absolutely fell for this guy. I knew that I was going to get divorced eventually, but never had the courage to. I honestly think that because of us fooling around, I had the self-confidence to do it (both the fooling around and the divorce). So we would sneak around after work and act like teenagers in my car and it was really great. I felt alive and kicking again.
I've been separated from my husband for almost 1 month now and I already feel like I want to be in a relationship. I know that sounds bad, but I was emotionally and physically separated from my husband for several years already. Problem is that I totally like this guy and he knows everything about what's going on and kinda said that he wants to be with me (not marraige or anything like that), without really saying it though. He'll tell me sweet things... But at work every day, he will wink at me and try to brush up against me and stuff like that which gets me all revved up because I'm head over heels for this guy (which I always was, but now that I'm on the road to being single, I want to be with him really bad). It's like he's teasing me though because although he's come over once to see me, he won't talk to me on the weekends when I have the time and opportunity to be with him without sneaking around.
Take this last weekend - I went out for the very first time with some cousins of mine for drinks for St. Patty's day. He lives in the city and I live in the suburbs. He said he was going to come out to see me that night. He never called or emailed me and it's Sunday night. I sent him 2 quick emails that were just "sorry I missed you" and "maybe we can talk sometime this weekend". Problem is that I know that he's into a ton of other things on his own and he doesn't have a phone (so he says) which I believe him. I just thought he'd have the time to send me at least a quick note if he really cared.
I'm new to being separated and know that I'm rushing into things, but can't help feeling like I want to be with him (he's really great with my son and loves kids which makes me more crazy for him because of this). He has really great qualities, but I really think he's afraid of relationships. He's totally opposite of the kinds of guys I've always been with and I feel so good when I'm around him. I want to trust my intuition which tells me I really want to be with him, but can't figure out how he feels about me...What can I do to find out how he feels, if he'll "wait around", or if I should just stop things entirely. I really hate dating and am afraid of heavy relationships - I just want to spend some time with him having fun once in a while...
Sorry for being so long, but there isn't anyone I can really talk to about this. It's so hard to go to work knowing he'll be in the same office as me and we'll bump into each other... Please HELP!!!

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Wow. Welcome, confused! I know the other ladies will have much better advice than me, but I need to say SLOOOOOOW down!
Not because of your marital status, I'm not here to judge you, I can understand that relationships can be over before the divorce is finalized. BUT, you don't know how this guy really feels about you, and right after a divorce may not be your most clear-headed moment, you know?
Plus, you have to see this guy every day. You have to work with him. Does your company have a policy about coworkers dating? Does he even want to be dating? Or does he think that you're going through a rough time right now and it might be easy to take advantage of that?
You could be vulnerable emotionally, and so could your son, so getting him involved, whatever you do, probably isn't something I would do. In fact, you didn't mention how he (your son, I mean) was taking this, but I would say that adding anyone new to his life right now might not be a good idea. Concentrate on you, and your son, and see where it goes with this guy.
You need to find out where he wants it to go, before it goes any further. Like the backseat. And I would say, at least for the short term, don't bring your son into it any more. If things don't work out, he doesn't need another man walking out of his life so soon after you and his dad split.
Just my opinion, and I hope others give theirs.
Welcome again, and stick around!
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Welcome to the board.
Ok, I don't think you're going to like what my gut tells me here, so sorry in advance.
What I think is that you're feeling trapped in an unhappy marriage, so the first guy to come along to give you a hint of attention you're falling all over yourself to see.
Wow, thanks for your reply! I didn't expect any responses so quickly ;) Yeah, I know I'm taking things a bit fast (trying to make up for lost time?). More to the story is that my soon-2-b-ex was so controlling that he forced me to give up all family ties right after we got married. So now that I'm divorcing him, I called up my family and they have open arms (lucky me). My son never knew what family was so he's meeting so many new people that really care about him and want to be with him. I asked him if it was OK if Mommy started to make new friends (he said it was OK). I've been extremely discreet about what's been going on with this guy with everyone... I guess I really do need to know how he feels about me before anything else can happen. If he won't talk to me or at least follow-through with any type of committment - even if it's as simple as I'll email you later, then I'll have to stop everything. I am very trusting and I don't think he's really trying to take advantage of me; I really think he has some issues with relationships and am being hopeful that he just needs alot of space.
Thanks for not judging me... It was so hard for me to find somewhere I can "talk" to others in my situation. Being a new single parent is really hard too. Thanks!!
Hello and welcome - you did pick the right place because the advice is great here!!
I echo the first two posters - couldn't say it any better and agree with everything they say. You have to get through the divorce so you will have a clear head. The new bf's behavior screams fling and it seems to me like he is just after the physical gratification.
It is scary that you work together - how are you going to feel when he ditches you and you see him with someone else? And how do you know he doesn't have someone else already as Alison says.
Anyway, good luck for now and we are always here no matter what you decide. You are at a challenging time in your life and we only want the best for you!!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I appreciate the honesty. I wish I had more friends so many years ago that gave me their opinion more... You may be right about what you said, but I'm not picturing myself married again or in a serious relationship with this person. Really I just want to go out to movies and have some fun and if things progressed (slowly) over time, then that would be OK, but in the meantime I'd be experiencing life with someone and at least not being afraid of taking a risk. Yeah - it's totally a crush, but there are things about this guy that he has told me that are so endearing... I think we have some kind of connection, but I just don't know where it is leading. He said he's afraid of his heart getting broken...) this guy is willing to fool around with a married woman - same thing with me, what kind of a woman was I to do that unless I was totally convinced that I was going to end the marraige, which I did... I actually kinda asked him out and I think I was the one that told him I liked him (that was a HUGE risk I took telling him how I felt)... so that's why I'm more confused...
So the phone thing... he did have a cell and cancelled the service which I believe because I don't see him carry a cell anymore. I believe that he doesn't have a house phone because I once didn't either. He's really close to his brother and spends most of his weekends with him which I believe too. I just don't know if it's an issue of he's so busy he doesn't have the time or just won't make the time to try to be with me on the weekends. I really don't think he has a girlfriend, but there's a chance he's "having fun" with someone else (one night stands?). I don't know him that well to answer...
I guess maybe I'm feeling selfish for wanting to be with someone that makes me feel good - I'm really a good girl - don't drink, don't smoke, never drugs... I have a habit for being attracted to emotional, passionate men (that was the problem with my ex-husband - no passion and all bad emotions)... I just see this guy and get giggly. I'd rather just have him do something to totally get me upset with him so I won't want to be with him (which maybe he might do because he's feeling the same way) or he'd tell me how he feels.
I'm extremely impatient... I will give him 2 days and if nothing, then I will tell myself it's over. I just don't want to end things without at least giving him some space, especially if he's been hurt in the past too...
I'm not looking for a new daddy; i'm extremely cautious about who my son meets. Seriously, this guy babysits his neighbor's kids, makes them cookies, plays games with them, etc... He's soooo good with kids and that's one of the things that attracts him to me. He's brought my son some toys and things. It sounds too good to be true for me - a positive male figure who actually likes kids?! Maybe it's just that in the back of my mind, I want to make sure if I am in any relationship, that person MUST like kids. I've seen how he makes my son laugh and I hadn't seen my son laugh so well in so long...
My biggest issue is that I have low self-esteem and can't really imagine how anyone would want to be with me. I used to be really pretty before I got married and then I gained weight and I was emotionally put down so often by my ex-husband that I started to believe it. Then over the past few months, I started feeling better about myself and making an effort to be more outgoing and lost some weight and people tell me I'm pretty and fun to be around, and I want to believe it... so when a man whom I had a crush on for like 10 months finally says he likes me, I really want to believe it...
(I know I'm long-winded; thanks for listening)
Believe me honey, I know exactly what you're going through!
OMG, confused!!! I must say that the other responses were right on the money. I have to agree with them, and I hope you take our words to heart. We're looking at it from the outside and can see the warning signs, and you're "in there" and might not see them the way we do. Of course, we only have what you tell us to go on, since we're not THERE with you, but from what you've said, it seems like WorkGuy isn't worth pursuing.
I also think he is reeking of lust and disrespect and fling and possibly even a scent of 'girlfriend' (or wife?) in there, too. If he is truly interested in you, there would be no way you wouldn't get at least a phone call sometime during the weekend hours. His total disappearance on the weekends just says "girlfriend" to me- with flying colors. And if he respected you, he wouldn't be 'sneaking around in cars' with you for sex. He would wait. And he would ask you out on a real date. And treat you like a woman who deserves to be treated well. I think he found himself a vulnerable woman (you) and is taking advantage of that. Sorry to not give him a better benefit of the doubt, but really... if he was true to heart, would he really be treating you this way and leaving you so confused?
I also agree that while you feel separated for years from your STBX, you haven't actually been separated from him that long. You have only been free long enough to just recently contact your own family again. Girl- you have only been free for about a month, and even then, you won't REALLY be free until the divorce is OVER and done with and the dust has settled. You are still more emotionally connected to your STBX than you know. I've been there with my ex, and I jumped right into a relationship right after the divorce and had NO idea just how "rebound" I was at the time. I probably could've made some serious mistakes had the man I dated not been a really nice guy and didn't take advantage of my tender and needy emotions. Thank God for that!!! But I was SO very attention-hungry back then, I couldn't even think straight. And the scary part was, I didn't think I was attention-hungry until I *could* think straight again and looked back on it all.
When you said that you have self-esteem problems as a result of all your years in the controlling marriage, I see that as the SURE sign that you need to stay away from ALL men and dating until you can get your own self back. Until you come to a place where you can stop saying "I don't know who would be interested in me", then you're SOOO not ready to be dating. The time to date is when you can tell yourself that you're a treasure and worthy of attention, worthy of respect and worthy of someone's time and energy.
Separation and divorce is such a crazy time anyway. No need to add dating into the mess too!
~shrimpy, who can speak like a two-by-four but I mean well
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
Shrimpy,
You always write so well!!
"When you said that you have self-esteem problems as a result of all your years in the controlling marriage, I see that as the SURE sign that you need to stay away from ALL men and dating until you can get your own self back. Until you come to a place where you can stop saying "I don't know who would be interested in me", then you're SOOO not ready to be dating. The time to date is when you can tell yourself that you're a treasure and worthy of attention, worthy of respect and worthy of someone's time and energy."
This is so so so true - and we all have to pay heed to this.
Wow. Ok, well, I bet you weren't expecting THIS when you posted huh? Yikes! HOWEVER, everything, and I mean EVERYTHING that these women posted makes total sense. It's soo hard to deal with everything that's going on with you right now. Believe it or not, you really don't know which way is up. Trust me on this, I"ve been round the divorce process 2x and both times it took me at least a year to get my feet under me.
Having said that, I understand where you're coming from. You want the attention, you love the "high school"feelings, the secrecy and excitement of it all. It's all and everything that you've been deprived of for many, many years. BUT please remember, things like this just don't last long. And When they end, they just don't fade, the crash and BURN. And burn you will. Please trust me on this. I know you want this in the worst way. I know it and I can feel it in your posts. You are so excited to have this 'thing' but please stop and think.. what he is, is a diversion. A sweet diversion from all the heartache and abuse that you have gone through. And it will end.
I have to agree with the women on here that he does sound like a sneak. I could be wrong. But I'm only reading the information that you've put up for me to make that decision. I guess I could only ask one thing, and that would be to stop and B-R-E-A-T-H-E.
Step back. Take a couple days. Don't contact him. Or flirt. (yeah, I know, right!) but try. Then, go back, and re-read these posts again.. REALLY read them. If everyone here is seeing the same thing, we can't all be wrong right? Everyone here wants you to be healthy, and happy..AND remember, if you don't heed our warning, We'll STILL be here to help you pick up the pieces because, we've all been exactly where you are right now.
Please take care.
Lisa
Thanks, Lisa, Alison, Shrimpy, and everyone else for posting back. Update... I found out that the "guy" had some serious family issues over the weekend (family emergency) and left town Friday night and didn't get back until this morning. I believe him based on conversations we had previously. So that boosts my self-esteem knowing that he wanted to be with me, but couldn't (the nature of the issue was very serious). I did get the chance to talk with him during the day and clearly saw how distraught he was. I met up with him after work to just talk for a few minutes - where I let him do all of the talking and I tried to be a good listener. I felt so much better - especially that he actually opened up to me about what was going on. I'm learning how to give space to others and let him "come around". We had some tender moments (no sex)... He even said that we can take things really slow...
I know that I have to learn how to love myself before I can love anyone else. I'm not even thinking about long-term relationships or the L-word and absolutely not the M-word. I promised myself that I would see this through - start to finish, and break the cycle of bad relationships and actually do things that make me happy. I know that I will never put myself into a situation where I'm uncomfortable around anyone and that I have the power to make my own decisions and that includes walking away from anyone (except my son) or anything that makes me uncomfortable or compromises my own self-worth... That's the really wierd thing - I'm uncomfortable with just about everyone and I have a pretty good intuition about people (I've learned to trust my own intuition over the years) and I am absolutely comfortable around this person that I actually feel good about myself...
I'm learning how to be a better person, but just feel like I have a real connection to this guy. We both made some mistakes in our past but I think that makes us better people. I clearly see that he's a good person and has pulled himself out of bad situations himself. I honestly feel attracted to him because why else would I have had feelings for him for so long - wayyyy long before I ever even thought about actually getting divorced. My friends at work even joked that I liked him before I ever admitted to myself that I actually did. I can't deny that.
I do have to learn how to accept people for who they are and realize that I cannot change ANYONE. I can ONLY change MYSELF. Nobody is perfect and I don't want to be judged by others, therefore, I will not judge... I have the power to say both YES and NO. I'll never let anyone take advantage of me, but I am feeling selfish with that I really like this guy and I don't want to be afraid of being with him. If I do it for the right reasons, right? I know that I'm going through alot right now (ALOT) and I should take things really slow, but maybe if I don't take a chance, I will have missed out... I've missed so much over the past 10 years, I don't want to risk losing someone that may actually care about me... I know I should be taking baby steps, but sometimes giant leaps are the only way to go...
Thanks for listening, everyone :)
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