Going thrugh Divorce and in Love...
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| Sun, 03-19-2006 - 7:13pm |
Hi Everyone! I'm new... Here the long and short of it...I just started a divorce a few weeks ago. I'm a very young 30-something with an almost 5-year old son. We're already on our own and hopefully the divorce won't take long to finalize. I've been in controlling relationships all my life and finally decided to break the cycle after 10 years of marriage. Here's the deal - I fell in love with someone at work a long time ago, but always told myself that it could never happen. I fell out of love with my husband years ago...
Anyways, I went out for drinks after work with a few friends and asked the guy I liked out with us and he came out. We were talking and he said in his words that he was interested in me (even though I was still married). He did end up kissing me goodnight and it was absolutely incredible! It was probably the best kiss that I had ever had ;-) So, we got to talking to each other a bit more over the next weeks (this was 6 weeks ago) and even started fooling around. I'm a very moral person and never ever concieved of having an affair, but I absolutely fell for this guy. I knew that I was going to get divorced eventually, but never had the courage to. I honestly think that because of us fooling around, I had the self-confidence to do it (both the fooling around and the divorce). So we would sneak around after work and act like teenagers in my car and it was really great. I felt alive and kicking again.
I've been separated from my husband for almost 1 month now and I already feel like I want to be in a relationship. I know that sounds bad, but I was emotionally and physically separated from my husband for several years already. Problem is that I totally like this guy and he knows everything about what's going on and kinda said that he wants to be with me (not marraige or anything like that), without really saying it though. He'll tell me sweet things... But at work every day, he will wink at me and try to brush up against me and stuff like that which gets me all revved up because I'm head over heels for this guy (which I always was, but now that I'm on the road to being single, I want to be with him really bad). It's like he's teasing me though because although he's come over once to see me, he won't talk to me on the weekends when I have the time and opportunity to be with him without sneaking around.
Take this last weekend - I went out for the very first time with some cousins of mine for drinks for St. Patty's day. He lives in the city and I live in the suburbs. He said he was going to come out to see me that night. He never called or emailed me and it's Sunday night. I sent him 2 quick emails that were just "sorry I missed you" and "maybe we can talk sometime this weekend". Problem is that I know that he's into a ton of other things on his own and he doesn't have a phone (so he says) which I believe him. I just thought he'd have the time to send me at least a quick note if he really cared.
I'm new to being separated and know that I'm rushing into things, but can't help feeling like I want to be with him (he's really great with my son and loves kids which makes me more crazy for him because of this). He has really great qualities, but I really think he's afraid of relationships. He's totally opposite of the kinds of guys I've always been with and I feel so good when I'm around him. I want to trust my intuition which tells me I really want to be with him, but can't figure out how he feels about me...What can I do to find out how he feels, if he'll "wait around", or if I should just stop things entirely. I really hate dating and am afraid of heavy relationships - I just want to spend some time with him having fun once in a while...
Sorry for being so long, but there isn't anyone I can really talk to about this. It's so hard to go to work knowing he'll be in the same office as me and we'll bump into each other... Please HELP!!!

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Just ensure that you're communicating with him every step of the way and that you're listening to both yourself AND to him.
You need to do what you need to do. None of us are living your life, we just offer our opinions to what you have posted here and hope that we are giving good advice. I don't judge you, nobody here should, and I don't think they are...I hope that things go well for you, and that I myself have been in a similar position like you where it's a delicate line to balance.
For me, when I decided to take that giant leap, then I would also say to myself, if this crashes and burns, you have nobody to blame but yourself. Sometimes it did, and even though it hurt, I was prepared in advance that there was a HUGE chance. Sometimes it didn't and it was cool.. This is how I live with no regrets..Good or Bad.
Everyone lives their lives differently, and I guess this board is good for getting support and advice, but only you know yourself...I'm getting the sense that you are really wanting to connect with this guy, take a chance, put yourself out there, and see what happens because you've 'wasted' so much time with your marriage. IF you go forth, yes, I agree with Alison, keep the lines of communication open, and don't settle for anything. Try and keep your wits about you and this situation. It's odd, I've seen relationships form right out of a bad marriage and they are strong healthy relationships, and I've seen it crash and burn big time. You are you. We are here to support YOUR decision. Well, I guess I should speak for myself. I will be here. ;)
Take care, Keep us posted.
Lisa
That is so funny. I had almost the same situation. I was in a horrible marriage decided to get out and once the ex moved out some friends from work invited me to have a drink. Guy friend from work was there, we had a great time! Another co-worker set us up by getting a group of people together to go to a comedy club. We had a great time and he kissed me goodnight. Magical.
I hadn't had consensual sex or any physical affection in a couple of years and this guy got my juices flowing! He knew the situation I was in since he was part of the work circle of friends. I pretty much planned on him bing my transition man. Someone I could have a great time with and mind blowing sex. I called him my service technician. Well that was 17 months ago and he is the love of my life. He ended up being so much more. I dated others in the beginning but always found my way back to him and his ability to make me laugh.
No one can live your life for you. Only you can decide. My only caution would be the state you live in. In SC I could have been sued for divorce on grounds which would have increased my liability but when we settled in Dec 2004 the ex didn't know I had already started dating and in the temporary settlement agreement we agreed that neither party would sue the other for an at-fault divorce and that basically we would divorce on the grounds on living apart for 1 year. Of course we have been living apart for well over 1 1/2 years and our divorce won't be finalized until April so go figure.
As long as your careful (raincoat, please) and your soon 2Bx won't find out, I would go for it. if I listened to what other people had to say I wouldn't be this happy!
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