Golden Rules for Finding life partner

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2002
Golden Rules for Finding life partner
8
Tue, 11-16-2004 - 11:48am

Golden Rules For Finding Your Life Partner
by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.
A relationships coach lays out his 5 golden rules
for evaluating the prospects of long-term marital
success.
When it comes to making the decision about
choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a
mistake.
Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50 percent,
it appears that many are making serious mistakes
in their approach to finding Mr./Ms. Right! If you
ask
most couples who are engaged why they're getting
married, they'll say: "We're in love."
I believe the #1 mistake people make is when they
date. Choosing a life partner should never be
based on love.
Though this may sound not politically correct,
there's a
profound truth here.
Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather,
love is the result of a good marriage. When the
other ingredients
are right, then the love will come.
Let me say it again: You can't build a lifetime
relationship on love
alone. You need a lot more. Here are five
questions you must ask
yourself if you're serious about finding and
keeping a life
partner.
QUESTION #1:
Do we share a common life purpose?
Why is this so important? Let me put it this way:
If you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a
long time to live
with someone. What do you plan to do with each
other all that time?
Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share
something deeper and
more meaningful. You need a common life purpose.
Two things can happen in a marriage. You can grow
together, or you
can grow apart. 50 percent of the people out there
are growing apart.
To make a marriage work, you need to know what you
want out of life
bottom line-and marry someone who wants the same
thing.
QUESTION #2:
Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts
with this person?
This question goes to the core of the quality of
your relationship.
Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with
this person. The
basis of having good communication is trust - i.e.
trust that I won't get
"punished" or hurt for expressing my honest
thoughts and feelings.
A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as
someone with
whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and
feelings.
Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you
feel emotionally
safe with the person you plan to marry.
QUESTION #3:
Is he/she a mensch?
A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive
person. How can you
test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on
personal growth on a
regular basis? Are they serious about improving
themselves? A teacher of
mine defines a good person as "someone who is
always striving to be good
and do the right thing."
So ask about your significant other: What do they
do with their time?
Is this person materialistic? Usually a
materialistic person is not
someone whose top priority is character
refinement. There are essentially
two types of people in the world: People who are
dedicated to personal
growth
and people who are dedicated to seeking comfort.
Someone whose goal in
life
is to be comfortable will put personal comfort
ahead of doing the right
thing.
You need to know that before walking down the
aisle.
QUESTION #4:
How does he/she treat other people?
The one most important thing that makes any
relationship work is the
ability
to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give
another person pleasure.
Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to
others or are they
wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed? To
measure this, think
about the following: How do they treat people whom
they do not have
to be nice to, such as a waiters, bus boy, taxi
driver, etc. How do they
treat parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude
and appreciation?
If they don't have gratitude for the people who
have given them
everything,
you cannot expect that they'll have gratitude for
you who can't do nearly
as
much for them!
Do they gossip and speak badly about others?
Someone who gossips
cannot be someone who loves others. You can be
sure that someone
who treats others poorly, will eventually treat
you poorly as well.
QUESTION #5:
Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this
person after we're
married?
Too many people make the mistake of marrying
someone with the
intention of trying to "improve" them after
they're married. As a
colleague of mine puts it, "You can probably
expect someone to change
after marriage . . . for the worse!"
If you cannot fully accept this person the way
they are now, then you
are not ready to marry them.
In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult
and treacherous.
The key is to try leading a little more with your
head and less with
your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible
when you are
dating, to be sure to ask questions that will help
you get to
the key issues.
Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you
wake up with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find yourself in
trouble because you didn't do your homework.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 11-16-2004 - 12:31pm
This is a GREAT list, MB!! Thanks for taking the time to share with us!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-16-2004 - 2:45pm

I like those...but the common life goal thing is escaping me?

Someone want to help me out? Does he mean you want the same things from each OTHER? Or you're both in the same general line of work? OR...any other ideas?

I know my ex was into prestige at work and looking good socially, but not helping people. I am more a helping people person. I think that's part of it. But I'm not sure what he's getting at exactly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 11-16-2004 - 3:14pm

My ex and I had different life goals. I wanted us to both have successful careers, he resented his job. I wanted to spend time with family, he wanted to stay home. I wanted to plan for our future financially, he wanted to have toys now and charge them. I wanted to do things with friends, he wanted to stay home playing video games.

When we married I thought we had similar life goals. We went to college and then he started his masters program. I felt we were working toward the future, but as it turns out he stayed in school because he didn't want to graduate and have to get a job. He didn't care much for responsibilities and just wanted to exist and have me take care of everything. After 9 years of marriage, I discovered that my future was not with him.

I think my boyfriend and I have similar life goals. We both think family and children are very important. We want career success but don't want to give up our whole lives for it. We want balance which means good job, time with family, time to exercise and improve yourself. We enjoy spending time together but don't depend on each other to make our lives full, we are each responsible for our own happiness.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 11-16-2004 - 4:37pm

"I think my boyfriend and I have similar life goals. We both think family and children are very important. We want career success but don't want to give up our whole lives for it. We want balance which means good job, time with family, time to exercise and improve yourself. We enjoy spending time together but don't depend on each other to make our lives full, we are each responsible for our own happiness."

BINGO!! The only thing I would add to that list is financial responsibility.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 11-16-2004 - 4:52pm

Yes, add financial responsibility to my list too. I think about that a lot, and how it went so terribly wrong in my marriage. We were both financially irresponsible and were accepting of that in each other. When I got to the point I wanted to be more responsible about it, he would sabotage my efforts, then I'd give up and go shopping.

I think if I am ever married again I would be willing to handle the finances, but I would want both of us to set financial priorities (for example, saving a certain % for kids college and investing $xx each month). We should both agree to budget amounts and live by them. I would not mind managing the daily finances and balance the checkbook, but I would expect to let the other person know where we stood financially every now and then, how we were doing compared to budget, that $xx were actually transferred to savings, etc. I don't want to be solely responsible for the family's finances ever again, because that means that if something goes wrong I take all the blame.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 12:43pm

Thanks for sharing this. I was struck at how much of it actually reflects conversations dh and I have had about why our marriage works. And one of the key things that we've found is that we enjoy being good to each other, it's not a sacrifice to treat each other well but instead comes naturally. We were actually having a conversation the other day about how odd it is when we see people in marriages that seem to spend a lot of time refusing to do or to give up something because they feel like it would sacrifice their own self interest even though it would be good for them as a couple. JMHO, but I think we've become such a self absorbed culture that one of the key reasons so many marriages are failing is that people don't get it that you can't be happily married and be selfish. You have to be able to look at what is good not just for you but for your spouse and your marriage. And we do have a common vision for our future. We love each other deeply but we also have a profound respect for each other as people; put another way, I look up to my dh because I believe he's a good human being, a man of character and he's let me know that he feels the same way about me. I also said from the very beginning of our relationship that if I couldn't accept him completely (not just the things I liked but every thing about him) that I shouldn't be with him.

I disagree a bit on the part about love shouldn't be a basis for getting married because I think that's too important, but I also agree that it isn't enough. In fact if you'd asked dh why we were getting married, he probably would have told you that he loved me, but he would have also said (as would I) that he knew without a doubt that he'd never find someone as compatible as me with regard to common goals, values, lifestyle, etc and that we'd already established that we could work together on a daily basis for a good family life. Truthfully, had we not already established that we could live together and build a happy,loving, open home, we probably wouldn't have gotten married.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 2:25pm

Thanks for the input...I am still mulling that over.

I think my life goals are just odd. I'm more outward focused. I can't see myself having a cozy little home and centering things around my spouse. I will need someone who either wants to be as outwardly focused as I am and is in a similar field, or someone who would support me in that and believe it's important. Maybe someone who is interested in helping people on a more local, family basis and likes being the support of that in me? I don't know...it's a really interesting thing to think about and very important to know about myself.

I can see in marriages around me some that are more like what I want, but not very many. hmmm...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 12:52pm

Comountainsprite:

I just wanted to comment on your post because I thought it was so great. Your marriage sounds wonderful. The thing you said about married people enjoying being good to each other -- that's exactly what I'm looking for, and I hope to find it some day. You made me think -- I think in all my past relationships, I was the giver, which I never minded because I am a generous person, but the other person wasn't on the same train, and that's probably why the relationships didn't work out. It needs to come from both people. I realy do enjoy giving; that's why I volunteer and that's why I love Christmas so much. I love to see the reactions of people when they open their present that I put thought, time and effort in getting, because it's so worth it.

I totally agree with this statement: "I think we've become such a self absorbed culture that one of the key reasons so many marriages are failing is that people don't get it that you can't be happily married and be selfish." I see this all the time, even in my own family. One person being selfish can work if the other person is willing to put up with it, but when the other person is sick of it, then it's all over. I see that with my oldest sister. Her husband's a saint to put up with her, and I'm just waiting for the day he gets sick of it and walks out. I would hate to see that happen, but I wouldn't be surprised.

Anyway, thanks for the input. Definitely food for thought.

Donna