Good to bad to worse

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Good to bad to worse
15
Mon, 12-15-2008 - 6:54pm

What I thought was going to happen over Christmas has changed.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2008
Tue, 12-16-2008 - 12:10pm

Hey SweetK,


I'm sorry that things are quite ironed out yet. I know your frustration.. sometimes trying to be "heard" is like beating your head against a wall isn't it?


I am a bit bothereed that he is being so definsive about her. You've said over and over that you are not trying to tell him he "can't" spend time with her. Yet that seems to be all he's hearing. Did you say that his past long term committed relationship also had an issue about S? I think that by this time CK should see that maybe, just maybe HE is being selfish and not understanding and maybe its not always the womans problem with his relationship with S.


Isnt the "ten year anniversary" in early Jan? I though you said that. In that case why can't you all have a get together after the Christmas holiday? Like a little party celebration? It just seems to me that his digging in his heels and making this anniversary/Christmas deal a priority over everything else is too wierd. He seems to have an emotional need to make it all OK with S, as if her feelings count first? Sorry, I guess my less gracious side os coming out because I'd have a problem with it all.


Be strong in your phone call... not blaming or biting but firm and remind him about your compromise already. If he can't come your way a little bit then ask him WHO is being controlling here?


pacificsun2-1.jpg picture by samsigs
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Tue, 12-16-2008 - 12:21pm

This is

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Tue, 12-16-2008 - 12:25pm

I totally get what you are saying.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2008
Tue, 12-16-2008 - 12:51pm

You know, it's weird. I just read your post about the phone call. His steadfast need to defend his time with her sounds very much like an addict defends his time using. KWIM? They refuse to see how their (using or other addiction) interferes into the other aspects of their lives. They just plain refuse.


I know that CK has tried to make this work by including you into the plans. And you can tell him you appreciate that part. But it still does not erase the fact that he has some issue with her feelings.


Can you ask CK (person to person) to stop and really dig deep. Ask him what it is about S that he feels he needs to defend so strongly? I know that some people very much need to feel important to some other people, in a rather co dependant way. My own BE has battled those feelings himself.


A little side note. BE's best friend's wife has been friends with BE for about 12 years. They really are like brother and sister.. absolutely no romantic interest. However, I have myself gotten upset on a couple occasions where BE will bend over backwards to ensure she is taken care of/happy for some weird reason. Its like he needs her to look up to him. I see that is her husbands job only but BE likes to give her gifts and really seems to enjoy, heck almost need her to think highly of him.


Case in point--

pacificsun2-1.jpg picture by samsigs
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Tue, 12-16-2008 - 12:53pm

I have no problem spending time with S.

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