As good as it gets?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
As good as it gets?
8
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 1:39pm

This is not directly dating related so I hope it's okay to post here. Just that the women here will have the experience and insight I am looking for.

I am currently going through a divorce (I wanted it) after several years of bad relations -- no affection, no communication, fighting, tense all the time -- but nothing like abuse, drugs, alcoholism. Now that everything is out in the open, H and I have been acting like human beings again (except for the occasional flare-up) and things are quite pleasant even though we are in the middle of packing everything up and selling the house.

H wants to try to make the M work and feels like I haven't given him a chance. We have a 5 year old DS. I don't love H anymore and I am certain of that. We married when I was 23, I'm now 35, and feel that I settled and I never had that "connection" with him.

So I'm asking myself if I could learn to love H again and if that's good enough, even if I know he's not my soulmate (if such exists) and I don't have that special connection with him. We have built a good life together, and obviously our son. I'm wondering if this is "as good as it gets" -- basically, that after all the infatuation and initial "in love" stage fades, what H and I have is the most we can achieve. Or, with the D, the eventual pursuit of that special connection to be really happy -- or is this just an imaginary thing, what my H calls "needle in a haystack".

This is such a huge decision that I am making. Sometimes I feel like I'm being selfish and so many lives are being affected negatively. I would appreciate you ladies' insight post-D and dating. THANKS!!

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Edited to add this comment from my friend -- Do you agree??

As for the "love", frankly, I think all married couples will eventually transform the romantic love to family love. It is inevitable. So if for this reason only, you should definitely reconsider. What is "love" exactly? The thrill and the excitement do not last. When two people really care about each other and hold a common bond and a history, that is the best kind of love.

Edited 4/3/2006 1:52 pm ET by teetering




Edited 4/3/2006 1:52 pm ET by teetering
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 3:11pm
Hello and welcome to our board! Have you thought about the two of you going to counseling?
Stephanie
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 3:51pm

I haven't read ahead, but is the tenseness gone because you know you're getting out of a stressful situation? Is the communication finally there because you only now feel like you have nothing left to lose? For me, this is basically how it was. My marriage wasn't abusive, but that didn't mean it was right.

Once I told my ex that the kids and I were leaving, and once he knew I meant it, we started packing our stuff, and that's when things finally got amiable again. And, like you, I started to question my decision and waver. BUT, I knew that if I stayed, things would go right back to where they were.

I'm not staying you should leave your husband, only you can make that decision. And, heaven knows dating is hard. You may not find that happiness you seem to be looking for with someone else. But you can and will find it for yourself, by yourself. Don't look for someone to make you happy, make yourself happy.

Welcome to the board, and stick around, whatever you decide to do.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 5:09pm

Welcome! Sorry to hear you have had such disappointment and bad times in the past.

No one can answer this question but you. But perhaps I can offer a little "insight" from the other side (as a divorced single mom).

If you have any question about your decision then maybe you should try to fix the marriage - you will need counseling. One of the best books I have ever ready about keeping the loving feeling and what it takes to make a good marriage work is called, "Fall in Love Stay in Love" and you can also read a lot of this stuff at www.marriagebuilders.com -

Basically it says that to stay in love you need to meet each other's emotional needs - there are 10 emotional needs and everyone has a different priority for the top 5. When those are recognized and met then you fall in love and stay in love and the relationship feels easy.

In addition to these needs, you need to have an absence of "lovebusters" - that is the things that break down love such as Selfish Demands, Disrespectful Judgments, Angry Outbursts, Annoying Habits, Independent Behavior and Dishonesty.

I would say that if your DH is at all loving and supporting of you and really wants to work it out and you really cherish your family and being married then you should give it a try.

But if the situation is toxic and you are miserable and don't see him being able to fix it then you have to do what you have to do. Reading the stuff on marriagebuilders.com should help you decide.

Sometimes it helps to get away by yourself and journal - what are the pros and cons of both staying together and getting divorced.

Getting divorced does fix one problem - and that is a broken marriage that causes pain. But it also creates a thousand more problems. It is also hard to date and meet the right person.

There is no easy answer. I am so happy away from my exh and am happy I made my decision. He was mean-spirited and selfish and never allowed me to do the things I love. He was controlling and judgemental. For me to have stayed would have hurt my self esteem and self worth and growth. I have a lot more now than I would have had if I stayed with him.

I hope this helps you somehow. You are always welcome here and we are happy to help. I hope that others post their opinions, too. Keep us posted.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 6:01pm
Thanks everyone for your replies. I am leaning toward "possibly" giving it another shot which in itself is a scary thought since all the wheels have been spun in the direction of a divorce.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 7:06pm

Great post! And thanks for the link. I might end up spending a long weekend digging through there, just to see what they have to say!

For teetering- I have to agree and suggest counseling first before deciding for divorce for sure. As someone who was married to someone who broke down my self-esteem by being controlling, I was also ready to give up and chuck it all. But even as horrible as I felt it was, I still wanted to try making things work. But once I started finding counselors for us to go to, he started off on this "you go, you're the one who needs fixing" type of comments and implied that he was FINE and didn't need counseling. And that was when I realized that while the marriage problems weren't all mine or all his, fixing the marriage can't be all on me. HE had to realize his part in the failure and seek help in fixing it, too. So teetering- if your dh is willing to work on it, and YOU are willing to work on it, then I'd say give it a good honest try. But BOTH people have to be wanting to work on it. Be honest with yourself and decide if you still want the marriage. If you can't decide, maybe the counseling will help you make that decision. Just always be honest to yourself and don't stay in the marriage just out of guilt- because it would just mean more problems and resentment further down the road.

Life on "the other side" isn't always grand. I've had to deal with the fall-out of post-divorce kids and missing the other parent and all that... and it's hard. I'm MUCH happier now that I'm divorced (yay for that!) but I am also dealing with a whole new set of difficulties- of being a single mom and dealing with the emotional issues of kids from a divided family. Staying married isn't a guarantee of happiness, and getting divorced isn't a guarantee, either. I think that's what makes it all so hard to decide.

So lots of prayers for your clarity in this. It's tough. ((((((((hugs))))))))) But don't do anything that doesn't honor your true feelings.

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 11:30pm

Hi Teetering,


Welcome to the board!


If you're really torn about what to do, then you should separate and work on rebuilding your marriage.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 1:11pm

Teetering here.... Thanks to all of you.... cl-alison, cl-west, shrimpy, moodygrneyes, texasmom.... You've all been very kind and welcoming. I had been lurking for a couple of weeks and I wish you all much luck and success in dating.

I so sad this morning and still crying as I type this. Last night, for the first time since January when I told DH I wanted a divorce (after discussing it for about a year), I expressed to him that I am having second thoughts and might want to try. He immediately broke down sobbing, hugged me, told me he loves me and that he will do everything in his power to make the marriage right and to reignite the spark of love from me. He was affectionate and sweet as we had sex. But all the while I was feeling empty. I was also thinking about all the things I wanted to experience as a single person, including dating, that I would no longer be doing. I slept on it and woke up feeling like I can't stay in the marriage even though I feel like it is the right thing to do, and much easier by all accounts. So I told DH where I was leaning and it really breaks my heart that I am unable to make the decision to stay. I just know I won't be happy. But I feel so awful to hurt him like this and that I'm throwing away a good man who loves me, who has great character, etc. I was fighting my emotions throughout the hour long drive to work, and when I got here, I just sobbed and sobbed in my car.

What all this boils down to, I think, is that: (1) I don't love DH and don't see myself loving him in the way that I want to, in the way that I think a spouse should love a life partner (2) I don't want to be married anymore; I want to have freedom. As shrimpy said, I have to be true to myself, and I think that's what "I" want.... right or wrong, easy or difficult, like it or not.

I was scheduled for my weekly counseling session today but my T had to cancel. Frankly, I haven't been getting much of out the sessions anyway. My T validates my decision to leave coz I had been so solid for weeks and she knew that I started going coz I needed a boost in my decision to leave.

Anyway, all the responses from you kind ladies have helped me. Thank you.




Edited 4/4/2006 1:56 pm ET by shirlsssss
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 9:56pm

(((HUGS)))


I'm sure you feel better now that you've made the decision as final.

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