Great Article on Straying Spouses....

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Registered: 04-21-2003
Great Article on Straying Spouses....
33
Thu, 12-02-2004 - 4:45pm

Why Spouses Stray

Quick, answer this question with the first thing that comes to mind: If you were worried that your spouse might stray, what would you do to prevent it? Maybe your knee-jerk response is: "I'd lose 20 pounds and upgrade my wardrobe." Or, "I would shower my spouse with expensive gifts." Or, "I would be extra attentive to my spouse so she would realize how good she has it." If your answer resembled any of those above, bad news: you're on the wrong track. According to Los Angeles-based psychotherapist Morrie Shechtman, you've bought into a common misconception about what causes affairs in the first place.

"Most people assume that people have affairs with someone more attractive, sexier, or richer than their spouse," says Shechtman, coauthor along with his wife and business partner, Arleah, of Love in the Present Tense: How to Have a High Intimacy, Low Maintenance Marriage (Bull Publishing Company, 2004). "Despite the cliches -- the midlife crisis situation where the husband runs off with his much younger secretary, for instance -- that's not what infidelity is about. People who cheat generally choose someone busier and more goal-oriented than their current partner. Someone more interesting, in other words."

"You have to keep reminding him how lucky he is to have you," says Sherry Argov, author of Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl: A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship (Adams Media Corporation, 2002). "All the propaganda in the world tells us 'keep your man,' 'hold on to your man,' 'jump through hoops for your man,' but your attitude should be 'If you want to go, I'll help you pack'...Healthy mutual respect is the best immune system in a relationship."

"That's right," adds Shechtman. He says that the harsh truth is that when one spouse strays, it's probably because the other spouse has become, well...boring. So, focusing on your appearance or attempting to please your partner completely misses the point.

5 Warning Signs

Shechtman offers the following warning signs that your marriage may be ripe for an affair:

1. You don't challenge each other. Unconditional acceptance is a myth. Healthy marriages require a mutual willingness to challenge and be challenged. An "Oh, I'll let the little woman do whatever makes her happy" attitude can be condescending and harmful. If your partner lounges around in her bathrobe watching TV every day and you say nothing, then you're not invested in her well-being. Maybe she's depressed. Maybe she's sick. Maybe she's succumbing to laziness. Regardless, the message that she gets loud and clear from your silence is that you don't care. Not only do you have the right to make reasonable demands on your partner, you have the obligation to do so.

2. You and your partner have become an amoeba. Getting married does not mean morphing into a single person with the same interests, hobbies, and friends. If you and your spouse do everything together, something's wrong. "If your partner is not allowed to have a life of her own, she will eventually become resentful," says Shechtman. "Similarly, if you're over-interested in her life, wanting to know or be involved in every detail, she will feel intruded upon and smothered. True intimacy requires two people having independent lives, not two people living through each other. The best marriages are low-maintenance marriages."

3. One person selflessly lives for the other. Shechtman likes to tell the story of Bernard, a heart surgeon, and Stacy, the wife who selflessly devoted herself to him. She supported him through medical school. She stayed home and raised his kids. She prepared gourmet meals for him, often complete with heart-shaped ice cubes. And one day Bernard left Stacy for a disheveled photojournalist, two years his senior, who chastised him for stealing a cab she'd just hailed. Why? Because the photojournalist was interesting. "Selfless devotion is boring," says Shechtman. "Bernard could have hired a housekeeper and a caterer. Gratitude for services rendered is no replacement for a stimulating partner. And by failing to cultivate a life of her own, Stacy deprived Bernard of that."

"Having a life of your own is important," says Argov. "When you have your own sense of income and independence, and feel that you can be with or without him, he will smell it and he'll treat you differently."

4. Everything centers on your children. It's easy to succumb to the temptation to make your kids the center of the universe. Don't. For too many parents, running kids to and from soccer practice, dance lessons, and weekend parties becomes an insidious dance of intimacy avoidance.

"Even with young kids, a couple must take private time for themselves," says Pepper Schwartz, PhD, author of five books on love and relationships, and professor of sociology at the University of Washington. "Make a rule that you don't talk about the kids until you download your adult issues and experiences for the day together. Keep kid talk out of the bedroom."

5. You don't have meaningful conversations with your spouse. Does the question, "How was your day?" unleash a monologue, a laundry list of activities, or a cacophony of complaints from you or your partner? If so, you're missing the point of communication.

"Talk to him in a playful way," says Argov. "Banter with him. Be a little sassy and keep it short and sweet. Save the emotional talk for things that are very important to you, and let the rest go -- because when you do raise hell, he has to believe there's merit to it."

Quality communication is the heart of intimacy. (And you thought it was sex!) If you're confused about what constitutes a high-intimacy dialogue, here's a clue: it centers on feelings, not information. "Instead of merely reporting to your partner what happened to you that day, tell her how it made you feel," says Shechtman. "Even if you have only 10 minutes a day to talk to her, make those 10 minutes count."

Affair-Proof Your Marriage

Most of these warning signs are variations on a common theme: abandonment. If you don't care enough to become an interesting partner, if you don't challenge your spouse to be all he or she can be, if you fail to connect with your partner emotionally, you might as well be an uninterested roommate. Abandoning your spouse is the first step to checking out of the relationship.

So what can you do to affair-proof your marriage? The answer can be summed up in three little words, says Shechtman: Get a life.

"Have your own friends," says Dr. Schwartz. "Have a job and hobbies you really care about. Don't cancel everything on the spot just because your partner wants you for something -- show that you have boundaries, commitments, and don't just exist for him. Read, read, read! And then talk about books, articles, movies, and news together. Develop an adventurous relationship based on trips, projects, and hobbies."

"Set goals and work toward them," Shechtman urges. "Immerse yourself in a career or activity that interests you. Don't just hop from one random activity to another. Have a vision of what you want your life to be and do something every day in pursuit of that vision. Take some risks. And challenge your spouse to do the same. Even if it causes some temporary discomfort, remember that a healthy marriage isn't about comfort zones and status quos. If you settle for comfort, your marriage will die."

"This is not the '50s anymore," says Argov. "Men tend to view women who don't have goals and objectives as being deadbeat. When they're going to work everyday and pulling all the weight in the relationship, they really begin to resent it when you don't make a contribution."

"There's one other point I would make," Shechtman adds. "Create a rich, rewarding life for yourself and if your spouse did have an affair and ultimately leave you, you would be well-equipped to cope. Interesting people just have more resources, be they money, social connections, or potential new romantic partners. There are no guarantees in marriage. The only person you can count on to always be there is you. Being abandoned by a spouse is far preferable to abandoning yourself."

--Additional reporting by Chandni Jhunjhunwala

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 12:22pm

I've often asked Shane if he'd like me to have something sexy and silky to wear occasionally and he really doesn't care for it. Now I think if I went out and bought something naughty (okay after the body bounces back) that he'd be very interested, but his total fantasy bedtime attire on a woman is a t-shirt and panties (or no panties). I remember the first time I came to bed that way....WOW! What an animal he was!

Mel

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Avatar for cl_beckty
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 12:24pm

I think this is WAAAAYYY less a "sign" thing, and more of a personality thing. I am a Libra and am very high drive, and I know of one Leo in here for certain who is high drive.


DH is a Leo, and he is definitely NOT the high drive person in our relationship. He is, however, far from boring. It's hot hot hot, just not as frequent as I would choose.


Yep, definitely more a personality thing IMO. ;)

Becky

Becky

 

 

Avatar for cl_beckty
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 12:31pm

Since I go to bed every night like that, J doesn't even notice unless he's already interested. It's irritating, and so I've tried to wear more clothes to bed (and when I am angry with him, I definitely do! LOL) but I just CAN'T GET COMFORTABLE WITH CLOTHES ON!!! oh well...


Now, when we're in the middle of a flirtation that lasts all evening with the obvious being that it'll end in sex (and Ty isn't home) he'll say to me "Hey, why don't you do me a favor and go put on that sexy little black thing you wear for me?" I LOVE that. I rarely put something on unless he asks me to, so that I know it'll be noticed and appreciated.



Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 12:31pm

Shane is a Sagittarius and his drive is very high, but his energy level is low due to work, so we have it less frequent than we both want to, but it's amazing when we do. So that makes up for the frequency. I'll take quality over quantity ANYTIME!

Mel

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Registered: 04-21-2003
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 12:50pm

Yeah, my normal look is pj pants and tank top, but on occasion, I'll wear the t-shirt or one of his button down shirts and walk around like that on a Sunday that Dylan is gone in front of Shane. Normally, that results in being chased!

Mel

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 2:55pm

You're a pisces? Well, that explains all the emotion and DRAMA! I'm a pisces too, and typical for a cusp with Aquarius (thus the large dose of intellectual interests). Sex is a big deal to Pisces, supposedly. You haven't lived till you've been with a Scorpio in bed though. Trav is typically Scorp and I'm typically Pisces and it's like dynamite.

LOL

I think there is a lot to the sign thing, but don't pretend to understand it. I don't use it as a life guide, but it's interesting and kind of spooky how right it is where I'm concerned.

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Registered: 04-21-2003
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 3:07pm

Tell me more about the characteristics of a pisces because I never really paid much attention to what we're supposed to be like. I read my daily horoscope and that's fun and all, but I'd love to know who we are assumed to be. Never was with a Scorpio, but my Sagittarius is a total love machine. AMAZING!

Mel

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Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 6:48pm

oh my!!! teeth are definitely high on my priority list when it comes to men. I am a smile snob and I am not afraid to admit it. I wouldn't date a guy because he had a tremendous gap between his two front teeth and I couldn't stop staring at it. (I know it sounds shallow, but atleast I'm being honest here).

When I was dating online, I ALWAYS put in my profile that nice teeth and a nice smile were a MUST. And one of my conversation starters was "How often do you replace your toothbrush?" My favorite response was: every 6 months I get a new one when I have my teeth cleaned. Ding, ding ding! winner!

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Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 7:02pm

hey, you GO girl! I'm a firm believer in mutual consenting booty calls. I don't think you need to be ashamed about it.

When I first got separated, I wanted nothing but a non-commited fling with someone I didn't have to worry about, and who wasn't worried about me. I found the perfect guy for the job. Tall, funny, gorgeous, great smile... We had awesome sex once a week (usually our dates would last about 24 hours). In four months I had done more and seen more than I had in nearly 7 years of marriage!

So what was wrong with him you might ask? He was an obnoxious butthead. A 29 year old man with the maturity of a 12 year old. But it wasn't his mind I was after. ;) LOL

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 9:53pm


Pisceans possess a gentle, patient, malleable nature. They have many generous qualities and are friendly, good natured, kind and compassionate, sensitive to the feelings of those around them, and respond with the utmost sympathy and tact to any suffering they encounter. They are deservedly popular with all kinds of people, partly because their easygoing, affectionate, submissive natures offer no threat or challenge to stronger and more exuberant characters. They accept the people around them and the circumstances in which they find themselves rather than trying to adapt them to suit themselves, and they patiently wait for problems to sort themselves out rather than take the initiative in solving them. They are more readily concerned with the problems of others than with their own.

Their natures tend to be too otherworldly for the practical purposes of living in this world as it is. They sometimes exist emotionally rather than rationally, instinctively more than intellectually (depending on how they are aspected). They long to be recognized as greatly creative. They also dislike disciple and confinement. The nine-to-five life is not for them. Any rebellion they make against convention is personal, however, as they often times do not have the energy or motivation to battle against the Establishment.

Pisceans tend to withdraw into a dream world where their qualities can bring mental satisfaction and sometimes, fame and financial reward for they are extremely gifted artistically. They are also versatile and intuitive, have quick understanding, observe and listen well, and are receptive to new ideas and atmospheres. All these factors can combine to produce remarkable creativity in literature, music and art.

They are sexually delicate and most Pisceans would want a relationship in which the partner's mind and spirit rather than the body resonated with their own. Unfortunately they can be easily misled by a lover who courts them delicately and in marriage makes them unhappy by a coarser sexuality than they expected. They are nevertheless intensely loyal and home-loving and will remain faithful.