great guy......no commitment
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great guy......no commitment
| Sat, 11-13-2004 - 11:04pm |
Hi, been a lurker for awhile but after reading the many posts, I realize that I am in the same situation. Great guy, no commitment !! I'm 38,(he's 40) my children are 9 & 14. My bf and I have been together for 2yrs (we live apart, his idea) but have known each other for 6yrs (mutual friends). We.ve both been divorced for a few years now. We get along great, we are very involved in each others families, we do everything together YET....
BUT here is his take on why not to get married right now. He is very anal about cleanliness and quiet, and my kids are typical and leave things around and have to be reminded to pick or do chores. He doesn't want for him to go crazy or to have them change the way they live now; I think we keep a pretty tidy house, but he prefers a showhome!! He seems to have very unreal expectations on what kids (he has none) are all about. They are not perfect, and my son can act up once in awhile. He sees us(5days a week) and stays over 1/2 the time, and is very good to them, we vacation together and he always is very generous with them. It hurts to think that until the kids are grown up he just can't live with us. I know they wish that this was more permanent, as they love him.It hurt last week when I found out he wants to build himself a new house ( 1 bedroom plus den)but closer to where I live . I think in my heart I know that this will come to an end by me, but I am afraid that my best friend will be gone. Is it wrong of me to want a commitment now or should I wait 10 yrs. There is a part of my heart that is truly missing, when I realized over this past year that this relationship will be ongoing. He says it is better to keep the relationship this way because we are all happy and no one is fighting in an unhappy household. Is it selfish to want a commitment, I know i will be losing a GREAT guy, or is he worth waiting for. LIFE is so hard sometimes, any advice? Thanks so much
BUT here is his take on why not to get married right now. He is very anal about cleanliness and quiet, and my kids are typical and leave things around and have to be reminded to pick or do chores. He doesn't want for him to go crazy or to have them change the way they live now; I think we keep a pretty tidy house, but he prefers a showhome!! He seems to have very unreal expectations on what kids (he has none) are all about. They are not perfect, and my son can act up once in awhile. He sees us(5days a week) and stays over 1/2 the time, and is very good to them, we vacation together and he always is very generous with them. It hurts to think that until the kids are grown up he just can't live with us. I know they wish that this was more permanent, as they love him.It hurt last week when I found out he wants to build himself a new house ( 1 bedroom plus den)but closer to where I live . I think in my heart I know that this will come to an end by me, but I am afraid that my best friend will be gone. Is it wrong of me to want a commitment now or should I wait 10 yrs. There is a part of my heart that is truly missing, when I realized over this past year that this relationship will be ongoing. He says it is better to keep the relationship this way because we are all happy and no one is fighting in an unhappy household. Is it selfish to want a commitment, I know i will be losing a GREAT guy, or is he worth waiting for. LIFE is so hard sometimes, any advice? Thanks so much

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I've posted several times on this board about my most recent ex. He was a huge commitment phobe and I think he liked dating me (a single mom with boundaries) because he could never spend the night at my house when my son was with me and there would never be any pressure to move in together. He even hinted around that he thought it was 'cool' when two people got married, yet maintained separate households.
We didn't fight with each other and I loved that about the relationship.....but I was lonely. And, he made me feel bad for wanting more. It was like there was something wrong with me for wanting to "rock the boat" and expecting more from him.
I think we all want a natural progression in our relationships. I think it's completely normal that after 2 yrs of dating you would be thinking of marriage. I hope he steps up to the plate for you, but I think you should have a talk with him and lay it out on the line.
No it is not wrong or selfish to want a committment and a normal homelife for your kids. It's what you want, it's what you deserve, period.
“I think in my heart I know that this will come to an end by me, but I am afraid that my best friend will be gone. Is it wrong of me to want a commitment now or should I wait 10 yrs. There is a part of my heart that is truly missing, when I realized over this past year that this relationship will be ongoing.”
I’m so sorry you have to go through this, but I think you’ve already made your decision and you’re just looking for a little affirmation. Well I’m here to give it to you…
“He says it is better to keep the relationship this way because we are all happy and no one is fighting in an unhappy household.”
HE SAYS. HE is happy with this arrangement, because he is having his cake and eating it too. What about YOU? What do YOU SAY? You are not happy with this arrangement and I don’t think you will be, not for the next year and certainly not for the next 10 years…because it’s not what you want.
Tell him you are not happy with the arrangement. Tell him what you want. A man that truly loves you and wants to build a relationship with you, would choose to face his fear of dust and a little clutter, hire a housekeeper, and make a home with you… A man that doesn’t won’t and will let you leave him.
I know it's hard to think of ending things, to let things go, to lose a friendship and a companion, but remember that saying: when you close a door, another one will open.
Maybe the man of your dreams is waiting behind that door…but if you don’t close this door…
hugs to you!
I do know someone that dated someone with a three year old and she never, ever wanted to be the stepmom...they married when he turned 18. I kid you not. Still, you have to wonder how interested she is in his life and whether he's invited home for holidays, etc., etc.?
It's a tough call. It's nice where it is...but it's all on his terms...what about what you want and what the kids want?
I think you have gotten good advice here.
I don't think your relationship would last if he builds the one-bedrooom near you. I would be angry with that and view it as a permanent step to no marriage or commitment.
You deserve marriage and commitment and must settle for nothing less.
Chances are good that if you explained what you want and stick to your guns you could get it. This might take some time apart and for him to miss you.
Children have so much to offer besides just a little mess. We get so much more than we give from them. I can think of nothing but joy and laughter and good times. I am not ever upset at the mess - it is a pleasure and privelege to have a few brownie crumbs on the floor.
Give him your honesty, then give him time. But most important, give yourself what you deserve - your goals and no more wasted time or hopes.
Take care.
Hello I am new to this board and I was reading your post..... If I may ask what city are you located in? Your man sounds so much like the man I have been dating for the last year it is scary!!!
Especially the cleanliness and the quiet..... My mouth dropped open when I read that line.
Travel:
My post was not meant to be rude or mean etc...... if you want to answer offline, sparkleyediva@prodigy.net......
I am in Los Angeles and the man in ? Altadena
He is obsessive compulsive and selfish. My ex had a lot of fantastic qualities but now I am looking back and still not 100% sure but I see his flaws more clearly. So when I tell you this I know what I am talking about. With both your incomes you could easily buy a big enough home to have your "own" space and an area for the kids. Compromises that would end up being GOOD and not a losing situation. The fact is the only thing he has to lose his YOU (not his freedom/peace/neatness) but if he can't see it than he is either afraid aka big wimp or just plain selfish. Maybe both. Sounds like he is with you all the time anyways. My ex needed more alone time than that. Everyone needs their space but if he is afraid of losing that (even though you could make it so he wouldn't) and losing his lfe of order....well get out NOW NOW NOW NOW.
Besides that, sounds like he is control freak. There are many kinds and by doing what he is doing - which is calling the shots, keeping his place, making decisions ALONE not together with you he is controlling. LEAVE. It will not get better espcially at his age. LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE. I am not saying that if he sees you go and says "I was so wrong, we should be together. Help me to feel comfortable with this in the fact that I do require ( ) would that work for you? What is it YOU need from me..." etc. then by all means he possibly just doesn't understand proper communication. Educate him then. Because as good as you feel your relationship is you have a communication problem (I also didn't see this with my ex because we talked so well and openly) If he doesn't come back, which you should by all means approach like you don't even want him to, then he wasn't worth the time and then you will have to deal with that. Remmeber, I lost my best friend recently, too. Yes it bothers me but what bothers me more is how hurt my daughter is and that - THAT - make me angry. How dare someone be selfish and take something from her? He is - excuse the term - and Indian giver and you need to just leave. Your kids deserve unconditional love from both sides, not just you. And you should expect and require that of any man, especially after 2 years!
I am sorry if this is harsh because I am sure you love him and sure he is a great guy. But he is selfish and under it all, even though he may not appear selfish in the conventional sense, he is.
((((HUG)))))
Laura
Traveler,
I'm not at all surprised that your guy sounds like the guy in this post. I think the cleanliness thing is a trait of the commitment phobe. My most recent ex is like so many of the other commitment phobes. Whenever I run into a woman who has dated a commitment phobe and she tells me what her guy is like, I have to ask her the name the guy because he always sounds like the commitment phobe I dated.
It's very scary. I feel like compiling all of these traits and making them available to other women so they can avoid these guys.
I think many of them are perfectionists. They need everything to be perfect and that's why no one woman is ever good enough. They deny that if you question them on it. Also, they are selfish. They'll let you work for their happiness, yet do very little to make you smile :)
The book "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Steven Carter has a list. I think it should be required reading for everyone who dates ;-)!
Sheri
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