great guy......no commitment

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
great guy......no commitment
12
Sat, 11-13-2004 - 11:04pm
Hi, been a lurker for awhile but after reading the many posts, I realize that I am in the same situation. Great guy, no commitment !! I'm 38,(he's 40) my children are 9 & 14. My bf and I have been together for 2yrs (we live apart, his idea) but have known each other for 6yrs (mutual friends). We.ve both been divorced for a few years now. We get along great, we are very involved in each others families, we do everything together YET....

BUT here is his take on why not to get married right now. He is very anal about cleanliness and quiet, and my kids are typical and leave things around and have to be reminded to pick or do chores. He doesn't want for him to go crazy or to have them change the way they live now; I think we keep a pretty tidy house, but he prefers a showhome!! He seems to have very unreal expectations on what kids (he has none) are all about. They are not perfect, and my son can act up once in awhile. He sees us(5days a week) and stays over 1/2 the time, and is very good to them, we vacation together and he always is very generous with them. It hurts to think that until the kids are grown up he just can't live with us. I know they wish that this was more permanent, as they love him.It hurt last week when I found out he wants to build himself a new house ( 1 bedroom plus den)but closer to where I live . I think in my heart I know that this will come to an end by me, but I am afraid that my best friend will be gone. Is it wrong of me to want a commitment now or should I wait 10 yrs. There is a part of my heart that is truly missing, when I realized over this past year that this relationship will be ongoing. He says it is better to keep the relationship this way because we are all happy and no one is fighting in an unhappy household. Is it selfish to want a commitment, I know i will be losing a GREAT guy, or is he worth waiting for. LIFE is so hard sometimes, any advice? Thanks so much

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Sat, 11-20-2004 - 11:16am
this sounds like a guy that my ex stepmother is dating they've been together for three years. my 14 year old sister lives with her and he always told her that he was old school and they couldn't live together until they were married (but they could sleep together) anyway after they had been together about a year he bought a brand new trailer and but it in the same park that she lives in she also has a new trailer. well a few months ago she found out that what he was waiting for was for my sister to turn 18 and for her dog to die he only has a couple of years left. well she broke up with him. he begged her to come back and move in with him and to get engaged and now they are back together. i have a three year old i couldn't imagine if my boyfriend told me he wouldn't live with me till he moves out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Sun, 11-21-2004 - 4:29pm
Hi guys, HUGS to all for your advice and support. I think as single moms, our lives are so busy and we are, at times burnt out. I know that what emotional and physical support I get from him is soooo appreciated, that I forget the big picture. I need to be stronger and KNOW I can get thru anything without him. The past few years of my life have been such a learning experience ( divorce, school, new job, kids issues, the EX) and at times very very stressful; and he was the one who was there to lean on. Like I said he is my best friend,unfortunately my family is not close at all so he was my support system. We did (last nite) have a talk, but he reiterated that marriage is not a good choice at this time for all of us and he has difficulties with parts of my life. He said if I thought I could find someone else out there with no issues; it isn't possible as I would be dealing with someone else's children or a bad ex or whatever. EVERYONE on this board has hit nail on the head with him (freaky, really) the cleaniness and other things that are control issues. I need to step out,job transfer would be the best to force this issue for both of us. I guess at times I am so scared of being alone....I need to get tough!!! Thanks again for all the postive input...I know I can do the right thing! Oh ya, sparkleydiva, we're way up north; so not the same guy. Egads there is more of these types!!! LOL

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