Growing apart

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Growing apart
18
Mon, 06-21-2010 - 10:46am

Well, I'm having some issues with my relationships with my friends.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2008
Mon, 06-21-2010 - 11:30am

I wouldn't assume you're "repelling" people because they don't accept your invitations. I don't know how old you are, but it does get harder to make new friends as we approach middle age. Many people have circles of friends they've had for years, and with family and work responsibilities, don't have time or interest to develop new friendships.

Where I live, there are no meetup groups, but maybe that's an option for you.

I've been in your shoes (still am, to some extent). Some years ago, I realized that since people who'd lived here for years were not available, I'd have to look for people just moving into town. I reached out to a couple of new hires as soon as they started work and made a couple of friends that way.

As far as the no RSVP's go, people just don't respond like they used to. You really have to call or e-mail them a few days or so before the event to find out if they're coming.

Hang in there.

Julie
Julie
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 06-21-2010 - 3:49pm
I'm kind of in the same boat as you & it seemed like it has happened since my 2nd div--even after the 1st div, there were more friends around. First of all, I moved an hour from where I grew up--not that far, so I can still see some friends, but as you said, it's not like people can just stop by. My best friend still lives near the old home town, but we have to make an effort to get together on weekends and then when neither one of us has family responsibilities. My family is also all out of state & I don't have any siblings. Now this is very odd for me to be in this situation because all through school, etc. I always had a lot of friends and always had things to do and in high school, etc. I belonged to a lot of clubs so there was always something going on. I did join a couple of meetup groups and it has been fun, but I haven't yet made a close friend, but at least it give me more things to do, like Sat. about 8 of us went out for lunch outdoors. It was just interesting to talk to some new people. All I can say is that it's a process of getting out there & meeting people but it's like blind dating--it's hard to find a good friend as opposed to an acquaintance.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2006
Mon, 06-21-2010 - 5:10pm

this topic has been on my mind for a few weeks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 06-21-2010 - 7:12pm
Hey do you live in the Boston area? (I'm guessing bec. of the Red Sox comment.) I do (South Shore). There are actually several people from around here that I have met IRL. Tell your neighbor that I am actively looking for some Sox tickets (w/ another woman from this board). lol They are hard to find.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2008
Mon, 06-21-2010 - 8:11pm

"i haven't hosted in more 10 yrs. actually the thought of hosting a gathering scares me."

I was just at that point recently. XH got so anti-social, then the divorce. Within the last month, I hosted my DD18's graduation party (lots of kids, some adults) and a BBQ. I was a nervous wreck for the first, not so much for the second; everyone had a great time at both. It helped me to remember it was my job to provide food, drinks, a location, and my own sunny self; the rest is up to the guests. Also, I had to remind myself that back when I did a lot of entertaining, there would always be an interval before guests arrived when I'd be convinced that deciding to have all those people over was a very BAD idea. :)

I think inviting people over to generate more invitations to events is a great idea. So far, I don't have invites back, but later in the summer (after I return from Chicago), I plan to have another gathering. I think people have to start thinking of you as being part of their lives before they think to invite you to do things.

I'm calling a friend this evening to see if she wants to go mountain hiking this weekend. I'd like people to call ME (I'd feel wanted), but that's not going to happen...yet!

Julie
Julie
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2008
Mon, 06-21-2010 - 10:16pm
volunteer, church, go do things by yourself ...find groups to go do things with even if you dont know anyone...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 06-22-2010 - 9:37am

Thanks, it is good to see that I'm not the only one in this situation. I don't know when it became so hard to make new friends. I told DF that we need to make some new friends because the ones we have are boring.

I think the hardest part for me is that I have so little real free adult time that it feels so wasted when I have nothing really planned. I only have about 96 hours a month. That isn't much really. It feels like wasted time.

Also, with the kids being older it is easier to take them places and do things with them. I would just appreciate having some other adults around to talk to when we are out. Maybe I'll look to see if there are any single parent meet up groups, stuff to go to with the kids like cookouts or something. We have been invited to a bbq in a few weeks. Not sure what else may be going on over the summer. My oldest friends spend much of their time with family and don't really get it. They will often say stuff like you need to learn to be alone. They don't really get that they never really have any time that they can't or don't have other adult companionship. It is somewhat easier having DF but I don't want to rely on him for too much. I have always been independent and don't want to put that much on one person.

Thanks for listening. I will come up with a plan. I'm starting school in the fall so the little bit of time I have will get taken up.

Priscilla

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2008
Tue, 06-22-2010 - 12:31pm
Ya know...I have a Gf that I have been friends with sense we were 5. We barley talk, sad, but when a crisis happens who does she call ...we remember our birthday and I remember her one kids B-day compared to my 5 LOL we still love each other and need each other we just have lives...plus she is remarried and I am single...different life styles and change doesnt always mean growing aprat it just means different lives. I bet in a crisis your true friends will emerge like locus on
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2006
Wed, 06-23-2010 - 6:47pm

for a few yrs i lived in weymouth then son & i came home to boston. i'll keep you in mind if i hear of any sox tix.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Wed, 06-23-2010 - 7:41pm

If this is just post was just a symptom of a wkend w/a lot of downtime, I would just suggest that you possibly find something that interests you to entertain yourself with - get a hobby etc.

However, if it's something that really is causing you to feel a lack of balance in your life, then the only suggestion I can give is to take a class or join something that will get you out to meet people. There are social sites you can join (I'm thinking of meetup.com) where you can probably find local people that are looking for the same kind of interaction you are. If I didn't have kids as well as my writing & other things I've got going on right now to keep me busy, that's what I would do. Most of my close friends are not local & even if they were, a lot are busy and don't even necessarily make that much time for friends or hanging out.

Laurel

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