GRRRR

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
GRRRR
6
Sun, 06-26-2005 - 12:51am

I need to vent for a minute...

I was talking with ds' dad and the subject got onto money- bad thing for us, since that's our biggest disagreement. So he was whining about all his debts and such, and I said, "hey I have debts too, but I am managing just fine". He was saying how he had to sell his car, after making payments on it for 3 years, and only had a year to go, (he "sold" it to his parents). He figures he'll be out of debt by November, and I said, "oh, is that including your debts to me?" and he got all defensive and, "you have to give me time and I have rebuild and get a job... blah blah blah". So I said, "here's an idea, get a job!" Well, he can't do that cause A) he has no car and B) has no license- til his debt is paid off for his fines. So I said, "get a bike, and you can ride into town, get a job pumping gas if you have to". He was so upset, that I would even SUGGEST that he DEGRADE himself to a minimum wage job when he can "earn over $60,000 a year!" So I said, "so, it's better that you live with your parents and make NO MONEY than to earn $1000 a month pumping gas?" I also brought up the morals and values he was teaching his son, that I wanted him to learn that hard work and taking responsibility for yourself is important, and that my son will not be LIVING WITH ME WHEN HE'S 35!!!

I just don't get his logic! And I certainly will be doing everything I can to ensure that ds has my work ethic and values a job well done, whether it's pumping gas or being a CEO.

I am SOOOOO grateful that my bf has the same values as I do. We never argue about money, we both pay our half of the bills and whatever is left over is our own to do with as we please. I save quite a bit, but also allow some splurges here and there, like a new shirt or pizza. When I was with my ex, I always had to ensure I had enough to cover his share, cause I knew that he would most likely spend his money before the bills were paid.

*sigh*

I just had to get that off my chest.

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: alison
Sun, 06-26-2005 - 9:03am

In some ways I'm lucky that I am the one that has to pay child support, since I am the responsible one. I don't like it, but at least I don't have to depend on him to pay me. What a mess that would be. When he tries to talk to me about his money problems now, I just say something like, "well, do what you have to do" or some other comment that 1) gives him no emotion from me that he can then react back to and 2) does not encourage him to continue telling me more about his money problems. My therapist helped me a lot with this, because my response when we were married was always to fix the problem for him, and after we separated my automatic response became to offer a list of suggestions on how he could fix it himself.

One time he called me asking me to buy him a new laptop. He wanted me to charge it and use the child support payments to pay it off. I thought that was probably not allowed. I suggested he buy a used one, save up and buy one once he had enough money, ask his mom for help, etc. He said he didn't want to wait or buy used, and he had already asked his mom but she said no. Later, my therapist asked me if I thought my suggestions helped him. I said no, he had actually already thought of those ideas and dismissed them because he didn't want to take the hard road, he wanted the easy road I had always provided before.

The next money issue came up when he had failed to pay a traffic ticket, and shortly after let his car insurance lapse. He got pulled over and learned that his licence had been suspended for the unpaid ticket, and since he had no insurnace they took his car. He called me with all this and I just said "I'll tell dd you can't come get her tomorrow night, do you think you'll have your car back by Friday?" He thought he would have it by Friday, so I said "Well, if you don't then I can drop dd off for the weekend but Monday she would have to come back to my house since you wouldn't be able to get her to schoool." He agreed. He told me all the things he had to do to get his car back by Friday, I said it sounded like he's got it under control. Then he said it would be MUCH easier to get it all fixed if I put him back on my insurance. I said I didn't think that was a good idea and that was that. End of conversation. The only thing I focused on was how this situation affected dd and it felt like a weight was off my shoulders.

I am not sure it will ever end with him and his money problems. Just last week it was his turn to pay for dd's YMCA class (I pay the membership, we trade off paying the class fee every 8 weeks or so, and this is pretty much one of the only direct expenses he has for dd other than food). He was standing in the YMCA, supposedly with others around including dd that was right there with him, telling me he had to sign up that night because only one swimming class was left open and he says "Well, I guess I could write a check because my paycheck should go into the bank tonight and it should clear with no problem." I thought OMG he doesn't have $40 in his account. The only thing I actually said was "Sounds good."

But I can do that because he doesn't owe me any money. I am sure it would be a lot harder if his money issues affected me personally. Your ex's problems probably won't end either because it sounds like doesn't want to fix them, he wants someone to fix them for him like my ex always does. My ex's gf watched dd one day last week and after they went to a movie, dd told me they stopped to buy her dad some shorts. I'm thinking, she was buying him shorts because he probably needs them and he has no money. She works 2 jobs. She's perfect for him, poor girl.

>>>I just don't get his logic! And I certainly will be doing everything I can to ensure that ds has my work ethic and values a job well done, whether it's pumping gas or being a CEO.<<<

I agree. Our best defense is to be the better example, and I am sure our children will notice the difference between us and our ex's. The differences between my own parents was so drastic, there was no way I could have missed them. A couple months ago my dd was with my ex when he tried to take money out and there wasn't any to take out. She was talking to me later and said "Mommy, you want to know something really sad?" I said "What honey?" She said "My daddy, doesn't have any money!" I said "That's okay sweetie, I don't have any money either" and she said "Mommy, do you mean you only have a little bit of money?" and I said "Yes" and she said "Well, my daddy doesn't have ANY." Even at 4 she knows that when I say we don't have money for this or that, I do always have money for something if we really do need it, and she could see that her dad didn't have any kind of back up money or safety net.

HUGS.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: alison
Sun, 06-26-2005 - 10:46am

Hey Alison,

That is a vent for sure. A lesson for us all. Sorry you have to go through this. But you do have the right attitude that you are going to be the good example for your DS.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: alison
Sun, 06-26-2005 - 10:49am
Oh my goodness, First, you write such a great response. I have learned so much from reading your lesson on how to handle your exh with his money troubles. Your counselor is really good. But most importantly, you put his advice perfectly into use. I am sure that it has not been easy with what you see and what you want to say. You are a shining example to all of us!!!!!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: alison
Sun, 06-26-2005 - 10:58am

Yes, my therapy has been priceless. One reason this has worked for me though is that I don't have to depend on money from my ex. I can easily back away and unburden myself from my ex's money problems because in reality, the only way it affects me is if I let it bug me. My heart goes out to anyone who is supposed to get child support and has to wait, wonder or jump through hoops to get it.

Plus, I'm really so thankful it occured to me to divorce my ex, because I was much worse off financially when I was with him, because of him. I would not have been able to be a good example to my dd if I had stayed with her father.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
In reply to: alison
Sun, 06-26-2005 - 3:45pm

Thanks for the support guys, I felt a lot better once I vented. I just couldn't believe what he was saying to me, it's insane!

Good ideas about not talking about money, although I do find it hard for me, since I do tend to be hard on him for his choices, and I'm the only one. His family doesn't expect anything from him, which I think is really sad. His mother pays the child support I receive, so I always know that I'm getting paid- which too is really sad, but she wants to ensure that ds is taken care of.

The thing is, this guy isn't 22, he's going to be 35. I just don't understand, and I guess I never will. It's just unfortunate that I will have to deal with this person for the rest of my life, but I will try to stop myself from talking about anything financial, and say "sounds like you've got it under control"- that's a great suggestion.

Ds will be visiting his dad and grandparents for a month- going up next sunday. It's pretty sad that I don't trust my ex to be alone with ds, but it's ok as he's living with his parents. If he had his own place, no way. Having seen first hand the irresponsible behaviour he has displayed in front of my son when he was very young, I don't trust him. I don't need the cops calling me because they found my son wandering by himself cause his dad was too busy partying to notice he was gone. At least at grandma's they won't let ds out of THEIR sight.

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: alison
Sun, 06-26-2005 - 5:17pm

Your ex sounds a little like my dad. My dad was financially responsible, always paid his child support, but past that he was a bad father. He didn't believe in babysitters, if the kids were asleep he thought it was fine to go out for the night. He did drugs in front of us, although my mom didn't know that until after he died (we didn't know what it was at the time, so we couldn't have told her). At one point he had a breakdown and after that he lived with his parents, I'd say starting from age 31. I am sure my mom felt better after he lived with his parents, because at least there was always be someone to make sure we were safe. We didn't know all we know until after his death, then the truth all came out. Up until that point my mom did a wonderful job maintaining a decent relationship with my dad, somehow, and hiding all her anger from us. She thinks my ex and I do a great job of co-parenting (other than the money issues, my ex is a good father), but really, I take my hats off to her for successfully (within reason) co-parenting with a drug addict.

>>>Good ideas about not talking about money, although I do find it hard for me, since I do tend to be hard on him for his choices, and I'm the only one. His family doesn't expect anything from him, which I think is really sad.<<<

I'm hard on my ex-h too, just not to his face. I am hard on him all the time when I'm talking to my mother or anyone else close to me that doesn't know him. How can I not be? He's an idiot when it comes to money, and it's incredibly frustrating. One of the things I have learned in therapy was that in some ways, we had a mother-teenager type relationship. I have now made a concious decision to teach my dd how to be a responsible person, and I am no longer going to put any effort into teaching that to my ex. I tried, it didn't work, it's not worth my effort.

>>>The thing is, this guy isn't 22, he's going to be 35. I just don't understand, and I guess I never will. It's just unfortunate that I will have to deal with this person for the rest of my life...<<<

My ex just turned 36. I know he'll never get it. I take satisfaction in the fact I've insulated myself from his choices. He can sink himself if he wants, live off his new gf, whatever he wants and I can live my life exactly the way I want. That is what I always remind myself of when I am biting my tongue on the phone with him.




Edited 6/26/2005 5:34 pm ET ET by firstamendment

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