GRRRRRRR.....MAD!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
GRRRRRRR.....MAD!
16
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 12:18pm

Shane is really getting to me. I sent him a text today to tell him he needed to take off June 8-10 because I was invited on a girls weekend out of town. He texts back..."well...that might be tough...where ya going?" So I respond with my plans and why would it be tough since I'm giving notice? His response, "well...remember I work in a weekend driven industry. I can't promise anything right now." I told him he needed to understand that his DD comes first and that he has made no effort to take her yet and he is able to take off some weekends so he needed to go ahead and request it because I would not be asking my folks to take DD. I told him that his job would just have to understand that things are different with separated parents and he was responsible too, not to mention had asked to have her 50/50.

He takes off but only when he has plans. I am not putting up with this. I can't help it if he works weekends. I do too occasionally, but he promised to be with his DD on weekends my DS goes to his father's. He also said he'd make sure I was able to have a life and have friends and a social life and he'd take her when I needed him to. Well, first request, he bails out of town without a word and claims I never asked. 2nd request, he himhaws around and cannot answer that. Nice.

~mel~

<a href="http://www.TickerFactory.com/weight-loss/wtCMCc4/">
<img border="0" src="http://tickers.Ticker

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: lissa91
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 12:49pm

I think this is no surprise given his history in your marriage. One thing for sure, if they didn't do something good and helpful while you were married, they are much less likely to do it while divorced.

A line of thinking I might tend to have is - you can either pay the money or do the time. Meaning if you want to be one of those once a week every other weekend dads that is fine but you are going to pay full child support.

I think you need to go to a lawyer and put your ducks in a huddle. And while a girls weekend is fun for you, you have to supply the babysitter to swing it. You will have to do it all alone and not depend on him. And whatever he gives you for time will be to his benefit as a dad and to his choosing, if at all. You cannot expect him to go 50/50 because he won't. My exh is a great dad and he does not come close to 50/50 and I don't expect it because if I do I go crazy.

I am a rock - I do it all. And whatever my exh does is gravy. I don't need him for anything. I have a good network set up who helps if I want to go away. The last person I would ever ask is my exh because he is flaky and would surely let me down and leave me high and dry at the last minute - he always has and always will - except he does not get that chance to upset me anymore!

I hope this helps!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: lissa91
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 1:15pm
I don't get it. Guys don't realize how much we do. We most often get custody and they just lay around or go party because they can. Then we are tied down to figure out what to do when we get invited out. He'd better get ready because I am gonna hand deliver her without calling first and he'll just have to watch his dd. I"m not gonna have another dead beat daddy. I already have to deal with one.

<a href="http://www.TickerFactory.com/weight-loss/wtCMCc4/">
<img border="0" src="http://tickers.Ticker

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2007
In reply to: lissa91
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 1:24pm

My stbx has never given much to the relationship with his kids. The being a single mother part of this divorce is not a big deal to me, because a very real sense I have raised the kids alone. He was just our roommate. When I asked him to watch the kids he considered it babysitting.

When I first asked for a divorce he raised heck and said I was stealing his kids and all this kind of crap. I told him that if he doesnt have a relationship with his kids it will be his own fault. During the seperation process he came back from his lawyer saying that she advised we not make specifics about visitation, etc and so that he would be able to see them anytime (for me that was no prob). He got an apt just up the street so he could be near by the kids....do you think he sees them? He averages about 2-3 hours every other Sunday!! With a typical agreement he would have had them every other weekend!! That is what he wanted to avoid. I asked him today if he wanted to see the kids this weekend or if he wanted to do a family activity (meaning all of us, we have done that on occasion). He didnt even answer, just kind of shrugged his shoulders.

Some men just dont invest themselves. And the more expectations you try to put on him the more upset you are going to be, because he is ONLY going to do what he wants. It is better to expect little to nothing and be pleasantly surprised when he does something, than to spend your time frustrated and become bitter.

--tj

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2007
In reply to: lissa91
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 1:32pm
Be careful! If he wants to be nasty he can accuse you of abandoning her. And then you would be in a world of difficulty with custody issues.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: lissa91
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 1:50pm
But you cannot control the way he wants to be a dad. You cannot shove that on him. If I was you I would give him a schedule. Either he shows up or he doesn't. If he doesn't you take the kids to do something fun. If you want free time you have to have a friend or babysitter.
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: lissa91
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 3:23pm

Hi sweetie, without sounding awful, I care about you, but I just want to share my views on this whole thing.

One minute you are singing his praises, then you are not, then you are, then you are not. You are basically letting yourself be walked on, because you are not angry enough yet to just slam the door in his face; even for a little while. Like West said, make him want you. Make him miss you and quit babying him.
You should not be allowing calls, no dinners, no haircuts, no nothing. He only comes over because he needs or wants something from you. He knows you'll do it. You need to learn to shut the door on him. You do everything for him, but not vice versa. Then you are not taking the financial steps you need to be taking. You are basically allowing him to have his cake and eat it to.

I encourage you to wake up and smell the coffee and get busy for a divorce. Have the ducks in a row as everyone has encouraged you to do. Quit asking for him to be responsible and then be totally suprised or upset that he isn't, because it's not going to happen.

We all care a lot for you darlin. You don't deserve to go through this, just like no one on this board deserves the jerks we've had to deal with, but the point is, you need to start getting upset and doing something about it. Big HHUUGGSS!! I love ya.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: lissa91
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 3:47pm
I do understand. I just don't know what to do. I would go ahead and file for the divorce myself, but I cannot afford it. He can. I know he is done...I mean he refuses to see any changes I've made and is using me so why not just go ahead? But he won't do it. I don't think he realizes WHAT he wants...

<a href="http://www.TickerFactory.com/weight-loss/wtCMCc4/">
<img border="0" src="http://tickers.Ticker

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: lissa91
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 4:22pm

He won't do it because to do that requires a monumental effort and expense and headache. PLUS the admission that you failed in one of the most important things of your whole life - your marriage and family. Right now he is just blissfully in limbo - move out and go out on the prowl. Don't answer to anyone but yourself. That is the easy way out. Whoever said divorce was the easy way out never got one for sure.

You CAN afford a divorce my dear - because you own half of the marital estate and assets. In the end you split everything and the legal fees come out of it all first.

Go and get legal advice - that is the first step - finding a GOOD lawyer. The board certified ones are the best - at least here. I called about 10 and the one who returned my call first and was the most patient and hungry got my biz.

The thing that concerns me about waiting is his spending habits. The longer you wait, the less you are going to get when you are done.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
In reply to: lissa91
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 4:39pm

Well if you cannot afford to file, that's fine- but don't sit there and wait for him to make up his mind.


Photobucket
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: lissa91
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 8:49am
Another thing I encourage you to do is not worry about him seeing changes in you or not. If you start living your life, he will see the change; believe me. Another thought...
Didn't he like just move out a few weeks ago and you are already saying you changed? Darlin, a few weeks is not going to cut the change process. You may be changing, but you also need to make the changes stick. Does that make sense? If a guy said to me that he changed from two weeks ago to today, I'd be like "whatever". If you have certain habits that were not good, those habits are truly going to take awhile to break. You are consciously working on breaking bad habits, but you have to get to the point where you are also subconsciously breaking bad habits. Until you find your routine, you will easily fall back into the old rut. I have done that time and time again. Always stating "I've changed". I haven't changed until I have given it some REAL time to change. Reminding myself I don't need to rush into relationship, reminding myself to seek the right relationships, etc etc. Until I really start showing that I can do this for 6 months or even longer and that I am really making significant signs, I have not changed, no matter how often I try to convince others. Make sense?

Pages