GRRRRRRR.....MAD!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
GRRRRRRR.....MAD!
16
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 12:18pm

Shane is really getting to me. I sent him a text today to tell him he needed to take off June 8-10 because I was invited on a girls weekend out of town. He texts back..."well...that might be tough...where ya going?" So I respond with my plans and why would it be tough since I'm giving notice? His response, "well...remember I work in a weekend driven industry. I can't promise anything right now." I told him he needed to understand that his DD comes first and that he has made no effort to take her yet and he is able to take off some weekends so he needed to go ahead and request it because I would not be asking my folks to take DD. I told him that his job would just have to understand that things are different with separated parents and he was responsible too, not to mention had asked to have her 50/50.

He takes off but only when he has plans. I am not putting up with this. I can't help it if he works weekends. I do too occasionally, but he promised to be with his DD on weekends my DS goes to his father's. He also said he'd make sure I was able to have a life and have friends and a social life and he'd take her when I needed him to. Well, first request, he bails out of town without a word and claims I never asked. 2nd request, he himhaws around and cannot answer that. Nice.

~mel~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: lissa91
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 9:19am
True....right now I am making a CONSCIOUS effort so I gues because I am TRYING to be different than I was, I am not REALLY different yet. I get it now. He sees it as an act. We had a big fight last night just because I asked him if he liked his apartment. All I was doing is striking up conversation, then he tells me he is not there to see me or talk to me, he's there to see the kids and that I knew that. I told him that he was using me to have a dinner and family time and getting the benefits of home but getting to bail as soon as things got uncomfortable. Well, he ran out the door. He says he is not ready to talk to me and that the decision for where we end up is ALL UP TO HIM. I told him that was BS and that this needed to be mutually decided. I told him that if he wanted a divorce that even though I do not, I'd allow it and not contest it because I didn't want to be married to a man who did not want to be married to me. He said to stop it and that he'd talk to me when HE'S ready, no sooner. I'm sick of being put on hold. I'm gonna just talk to a lawyer.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: lissa91
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 9:39am

Hi Lissa, I dont think I have posted to you b4, but it sounds as if you are looking at things here thru rose-colored, hopeful, glasses. You cannot MAKE him take her. As West implied, counting on him at all, will only lead to dissapointment for you. AND stress for your dd. Just "dropping her off" puts your child in a horrible situation. I completely understand the reasoning you have, he SHOULD be doing his part, but from what I have read here, his history proves that he isn't going to step-up to the plate. & unfortunately, you cannot force it.

Is it fair? NO WAY. But its just the way it is. When you have custody or physical placement & possession of a kiddo, YOU are responsible for child care, whether it be to go to work or to a well deserved girls nite/weekend away. Again, its NOT fair. & yes, i know plenty of GREAT guys who happily take their children whenever they can AND happily take them for the moms work hours or whatever ... MY x is NOT one of them. & yeah, it is INFURIATING that my kid has to be with a sitter, instead of her Dad, AND I pay thru the nose for it financially, but ... its like beating my head against the wall AND gives him WAY too much power & satisfaction by asking him to help. The non-custodial parent doesnt even HAVE to take them on the allotted visitation either. So in my case, VERY often he chooses not to take her on his "days" & then I end up having to find childcare. Its just the way it is.

Please think twice, for your dd's sake, about putting her in a stressful situation - b/c really, the main priority IS her & her getting thru this seperation ok.

& lastly, I never weighed in on the other posts, but for the record, I think your still having sex, making him dinner, etc, accomplishes 3 things 1. he gets ALL the benefits & none of the responsibility 2. it confuses the kids & 3. it keeps YOU way too emotionally involved, when it sounds as if you need to be seperating yourself emotionally from him.

I know its hard - & it all sucks. But it will get better with time. It sounds to me like you really need to move on. He isnt going to step up to the plate anymore now, than he did in the past. (((hugs)))

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: lissa91
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 9:41am
You know what? It doesnt MATTER what *HE* wants ... its what is best for YOU right now.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: lissa91
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 10:10am
I understand totally. I'm not having sex with him, but the other stuff is true. I told him last night that he needed to talk to me and that if he cannot be there to see me and to talk to me he needed not to come. I told him that I was sick of being put on hold and that he needed to make a decision because it was not fair for him to hurt me like this and if he wasn't going to make a move soon, I would. He says it's not up to me and I told him I didn't care...I would file if he wasn't because obviously he was done.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: lissa91
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 10:38am

You both may need a few weeks of no contact to try to let things settle and let it get figured out. I think his mind is maxxed out. And anything you both say now is just going to be non-productive and ugly and you really don't need that for the future because you have a long row to hoe with DD.

Don't contact him for at least a week. Do your best to stay busy with the kids and getting stuff organized around the house. Go visit friends or family. Sit on your fingers so they don't dial his number. Don't be at his beckon call for the kids. Don't talk to him. Just chill. You will get a little more used to being totally alone and you will be able to put stuff together in your head. Look at the bills, figure out what you are going to have to do to make this work on your own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
In reply to: lissa91
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 12:21pm

Let me tell you from my experience that whatever he's told you during your separation process isn't exactly how it's going to be. My ex husband put in our divorce agreement that he would be flexible enough to help out on the one weekend I work every 5 weeks and immediately gave me a hard time the first time my weekend to work fell on my weekend. When I stopped asking him to swap weekends and worked around him he would complain about the arrangements I made! Go figure.

Anywhooo, my advice to you would to NOT count on him. Have your parents watch DD and go on your girls' weekend!!

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