Guilty about impending divorce....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2006
Guilty about impending divorce....
6
Sat, 01-27-2007 - 2:40am

My husband and I have been married for 20 years, separated for about 18 months. The separation was and is something that I wanted...and I do want to divorce him. We got married very young, he was my first boyfriend, my first EVERYTHING. I knew several years ago that it wasn't working, that I wanted out.

Early in the marriage, he drank alot and I had to deal with all the stress that went along with that. Throughout the years however, and especially after the birth of our son 14 years ago, he straightened up. Got a job in law enforcement and just turned into a really good man.

Problem is...I fell out of love about 4 years ago. We just grew apart. Plain and simple. The differences in our personalities just became glaringly apparent and I had to face the fact that I just am not physically attracted to him anymore. Perhaps this is a product of me never having been with anyone else, or maybe it is just that I am just not into him anymore? In any event...

He moved out Summer of 2005. He is here most nights, spending time with our son. He has never taken our son to his place...and is pretty much dead set against doing it. Our son feels the same way. He does NOT want to go to his dad's place...and just wants to see him nightly at the house.

Every time I bring up the subject of divorce, my ex crumbles. He would rather be with me...cold, unsexual, indifferent ME to come home to every night...than go home to an empty place. Tonight I was rather firm in telling him that the only reason I had not filed for divorce yet was because I have been waiting for him to catch up. To realize that he deserves better than what I am able to give him...and come to the realization that divorce is the right thing for us.

He left in tears. Said he just cannot talk to me anymore. That I just need to file...and not worry about him. This fills me with so much guilt and sadness. I almost want to invite him to come back home, rather than put him through any pain.

He is a good guy. We were great kids together...but polar opposites as adults. I simply am not in love with him anymore and therefore cannot act the way a wife is supposed to act.

I want a divorce...but have been waiting for him to feel the same. Tonight I realized that he still has not come to terms with it, and I feel like crap.

I don't want to hurt him anymore than I already have. BUT...I am now starting to believe that by holding off on filing for divorce I am in turn not allowing HIM to move on. Do I need to be cruel to be kind in the end?

Just needed to vent and rant. Anyone else been in this same situation?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Sat, 01-27-2007 - 3:29am

Hi honey, welcome to the board.


You have to do what is right for you, even if it is painful to see your husband in so much pain.


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 01-27-2007 - 6:08am

Hi and welcome!

Perhaps you can get him to go to counseling? It sounds like he is in real denial. It is sad because he is upsetting your son as well.

I guess you have to balance patience with getting it done. My heart goes out to you and your family. It sounds like a sad story indeed.

Hugs!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Sat, 01-27-2007 - 8:02am

Hi there. Welcome, I know everyone will have good advice for you.

I think you're in a tough spot. You don't want to hurt him, because you don't hate him. Sometimes I think divorces where the two people don't hate each other are harder than divorces where they do, and are angry. I understand that you don't want to hurt him, but you also have to take care of your needs.

I would file for the divorce. It doesn't mean you both won't contiue to parent your child, but you need the closure. If your husband has a couple of friends, maybe he could talk to them? I'm not sure how I'd suggest that, exactly, but counselling probably wouldn't be bad for either of you- not to get bcak together, but to get through this.

Good luck, and please stick around and keep us posted!

Moody


Powered by CGISpy.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2006
Sat, 01-27-2007 - 10:06pm

Thank you for the replies. I appreciate it!

Alison, yes. I agree that I am going to just have to be strong and file. I am just putting off the inevitable and even worse--giving him some sort of false hope. I do love him, just not the way a wife loves a husband. He deserves that. Truth be told, he is pining for something that our marriage was not, but he seems to have somehow romanticized what reality was. We were miserable, just going through the motions.

I truly think that he just does not want to be alone and that a wife at home, albeit a non responsive one, is better than no wife at all. He just turned 40 and is reeling. I will turn 40 this year and just see a fresh start. We are on such different planes..

Yesterday, our house was broken into. Our son and myself live in it, the ex has an apartment. He is still here most nights to visit our son, then goes home to his own place. I got home yesterday to a ransacked house...and our dog was missing. I called the ex and he left work to come right over. We had an emotional afternoon, with the reality of the break in and the fact that our dog was gone. Luckily the dog was just hiding out in the garage...but all this stress opened us up to discussion, when we have just been avoiding each other. It went from friendly to angry in a matter of 60 seconds...when I mentioned that we really needed to start moving forward and should file for divorce soon. Probably bad timing on my part, but I sensed he had some sort of optimism because of the robbery and the fact that we were feeling close. Again, he ended up leaving in tears telling me he just cannot talk to me anymore--it's too hard on him.

There is just no easy way to handle this. I even find myself tempted to tell him to move back in, we can try counseling..just see if there is something salvageable. But I know this is just guilt on my part. I know we would end up in the same place again.

Thanks for allowing me to vent!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 01-28-2007 - 9:51am
Im so sorry. But it seems as if you have thought this well out & you know there is no turning back. & yes, I think you have given him enough time & notice that at this point, just dragging it out is worse for him.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Sun, 01-28-2007 - 4:08pm

It's my opinion that men are in denial about divorce, even when they are the ones filing for one. I've seen this so many times with my own divorce and other friends. The man is often the last to get over it.

If you want to divorce him, you need to set firm boundaries. I would stop having him come over to exercise visitation. That sends mixed signals. If you make a clean break of it, he'll recover. You say he's a good person. I'm sure he'll move on and find someone else once the divorce is over.

You mentioned a fresh start. I felt that way when I separated from my ex. It's not all fresh, or new. I've discovered that a lot of the problems that I had with my ex are the same issues I have with other men. Marriage is marriage. Someone else might be better for you, or maybe not.

Good luck and keep posting.