Guy shameful of being divorced!
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| Thu, 06-07-2007 - 8:09pm |
Hi Ladies,
I don't expect all of you to follow what's going on with me and my guy. Anyways, things are starting really bother me about him. It's all the little things..........
So, it's been 7 months now and things are still the same and I feel we are really not moving forward. I've posted a few discussions about him being embarrassed.....that wasn't the case. He doesn't want people to know that he is no longer together with his wife. He is very tight lipped about his current situation. He has told maybe one, at tops two people that we are dating. Not even his family know anything about me (which is normal).
For example, I bought his Chocolate Lab a really cute collar (pastel pink with chocolate colored pokka dots), I know he changes it when he takes the dog out or when his friends come over in fear that they might ask him where got the collar (he's not the type of guy to buy stuff like that for his dog). His sister came to visit him yesterday and I'm sure he changed the collar.
Another thing is, he says a lot of things but doesn't follow through with them. He asked me 2 months ago, if I would like to come to a Giant's game with him and his kids which would mean I would meet them for the first time but it never came up again. He's also suggested that I would come to his office to have lunch.......but again, I he never brought it up. He's also mentioned going to Disneyland with my kids this summer and maybe even including his kids (I don't think it's ever going to happen). He seems to talk a lot of talk but never follows through.
I'm beginning to have second thought about moving forward with him. I'm still stuck in this same spot. It doesn't look like things are going to get any better. Every month or so, we have the same discussion and it goes in circles. For a moment it seems like things are getting better but I give it 2 weeks and what do I know.....things are not going anywhere.
Is this normal for a guy to be so tight lipped and scared of people finding out? I think there is something wrong with him!!! Should I just kick him to the curb with no explaination?
-Vanessa

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It is irrelevant to discuss what is "normal." What is more to the point is what you need and want in a relationship. It sounds that you have communicated that clearly several times with him and he decided to keep doing what he is doing. It sounds that he does not want to integrate you into his life and to keep you separate from the family, personal and work circles.
It's not a matter of right or wrong or normal or not. It's a matter of what you want in a close, intimate, romantic relationship. The rule of any relationship is you cannot change him, you can only change yourself/your attitude/your perspective/your behavior.
The ball is in your court in determining to be in a type of relationship you already made clear you don't want with no prospects of changing.
Mark
Is this normal for a guy to be so tight lipped and scared of people finding out?
Mark,
Dang!
Awwwww shucks... wish more women think that way *wink* or else I would not be single LOL.
Mark
Hello Soonee!
He is in the process of getting divorced. I just happened to be there when he got served with the papers. You may be right, in his heart he may still be married. I was afraid of this. I've had MANY conversations with him about his EX, and what I get from it is he upset because he failed as a husband.
It does BITE!!! I am with you, it does drive me absolutely NUTS that I haven't met his kids or that no one really knows about me. Should I have another conversation with him? Should I wait any longer to see if I may meet his kids? I don't know, I have so many thought about this. It will be hard to leave him. There are many good qualities about him but what it come down to is my happiness and if things continue this way, I will not be happy.
My gut tells me this is not right but somehow I try to justify things to make it right but deep down, I know that something isn't right. Maybe he's got issues???
-Vanessa
Hi Mark!
Wow, nice to see a man on Single Mothers..........
You are absolutely right, I cannot change him. That is not my intention. You know, I am in this because I am hoping that one day things will be different but it does not seem like things are changing. Maybe he will get over his fear. He still keeps me in the closet and it drives me nuts!!! Soonee said it right!!! This shouldn't happen after 7 months. Is it pointless to communicate this to him one last time? My gut tells me to just walk away from this all together but I know this won't be easy!!! I justify things that are wrong so they are right and brush them off and say it's ok but it really isn't!!! I know what I need to do but it's so hard!!! Does this guy sound like he'll come around???
-Vanessa
I haven't read ahead so forgive me if I repeat anything.
Normal doesn't really matter, as it's your life, and I opt not to be normal a great many times a day. I also opt to be treated like a good person who has a lot of things to offer a relationship, including friendship.
I'm currently dating seriously a guy who has a lot of wonderful qualities. If he had all of those same qualities but chose to "hide" me, I'd be through with him. Whatever his reasons, this guy isn't comfortable with you in the public sense. It may just be the divorce, but as I stated before, this isn't 1940, and a divorced person isn't a pariah.
From reading the posts on this board, I can tell you that women view divorce more favorably than they view later age bachelorhood. Being divorced means that a guy at least tried to have a long term relationship, whereas bachelorhood can mean any number of things. Neither guarantees that the guy will be right for you.
In this particular case, I'd say you both want a different type of relationship. This is neither right or wrong, but having two different relationships doesn't really work. I wouldn't cut him loose with no explanation, but I would cut him loose.
Whether or not he changes on his own, right now- which is when you're dating- he doesn't want the same thing you do. Ending this now will save you further grief down the road. I'd simply tell him this relationship isn't working for me, and that I wished him the best. Perhaps he'll be more ready to date after his divorce is final, or perhaps he needs to be in a relationship with someone who only wants a casual, behind closed doors type of arrangement. Either way, that isn't you now.
Thinking of staying with him because of what might be is paying interest on a loan you haven't received yet. Completely unneccessary, and more expensive in the long run. You need to let this one go so you have a better downpayment for the next one.
Good luck, and keep us posted!
Moody, thinking finances this morning
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What Moody said.
Interesting how you were thinking finances and the name you chose...
Moody's Corporation (NYSE: MCO) is the holding company for Moody's Investors Service which performs financial research and analysis on commercial and government entities. The company also ranks the credit-worthiness of borrowers using a standardized ratings scale. The company has a 40% share in the world credit rating market.
Mark
I think you know what to do- it's just hard to do because you like him so much.
Hi Alison,
You're right, I know what I need to do because I can't keep discounting his actions and say it's ok. I always feel I come in last with him and it shouldn't be that way. Yes, I do like him a lot so it is hard to let go. I know that someone else will come along evenutally right? That's how it always works. Thanks!
-Vanessa
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