Guy shameful of being divorced!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Guy shameful of being divorced!
18
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 8:09pm

Hi Ladies,

I don't expect all of you to follow what's going on with me and my guy. Anyways, things are starting really bother me about him. It's all the little things..........

So, it's been 7 months now and things are still the same and I feel we are really not moving forward. I've posted a few discussions about him being embarrassed.....that wasn't the case. He doesn't want people to know that he is no longer together with his wife. He is very tight lipped about his current situation. He has told maybe one, at tops two people that we are dating. Not even his family know anything about me (which is normal).

For example, I bought his Chocolate Lab a really cute collar (pastel pink with chocolate colored pokka dots), I know he changes it when he takes the dog out or when his friends come over in fear that they might ask him where got the collar (he's not the type of guy to buy stuff like that for his dog). His sister came to visit him yesterday and I'm sure he changed the collar.

Another thing is, he says a lot of things but doesn't follow through with them. He asked me 2 months ago, if I would like to come to a Giant's game with him and his kids which would mean I would meet them for the first time but it never came up again. He's also suggested that I would come to his office to have lunch.......but again, I he never brought it up. He's also mentioned going to Disneyland with my kids this summer and maybe even including his kids (I don't think it's ever going to happen). He seems to talk a lot of talk but never follows through.

I'm beginning to have second thought about moving forward with him. I'm still stuck in this same spot. It doesn't look like things are going to get any better. Every month or so, we have the same discussion and it goes in circles. For a moment it seems like things are getting better but I give it 2 weeks and what do I know.....things are not going anywhere.

Is this normal for a guy to be so tight lipped and scared of people finding out? I think there is something wrong with him!!! Should I just kick him to the curb with no explaination?

-Vanessa

Vanessa

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 2:02pm

Yes, someone will come along that will fit you, be there for you, make you feel cherished and you won't question his actions or his motives at all!


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2005
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 4:27pm

He sounds still married! The best advise I ever got and the best advise I'll ever give it...

Follow you gut, it never lies! Your heart and head will twist things and turn them into what you want them to be but your gut never lies!

You know what to do. Yours is still out there and he will come along.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 7:24pm

Everybody keeps saying it sounds like he's still married!!!!! WHY??? I'm not upset, Soonee said something very interesting, that is, in his heart, he is still married. I was there when he got served with his divorce papers.

I do know what I have to do, but it's sooooo hard!!! The more I think about it, the more it feels right and the more I want to move on.

-Vanessa

Vanessa
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 7:42pm

He is still married because he hasn't moved on yet from being married. Getting served papers is just a legal aspect of not-being-married anymore. But if he is still "hiding" you and not able to face his friends or family with the reality that he is getting divorced (and no longer with his ex), then he is still VERY MARRIED in his heart and head and his emotions.

This man might be a good man in general- but he is SO wrong to get involved with right now because he is not ready to move on yet. By trying to hang on to what-could-be with him, it is very much like what Moody said- about paying interest on a loan you don't even have. (That was the most clever way of putting it, Moody!!!) You have to want something you can actually HAVE, not just live for what-could-be. And that doesn't mean that in the future, he might be ready and you guys could find something together- but for right now, he is just plain UNAVAILABLE. And you know that. You already know that he isn't providing you with the things you want in a relationship. You already know that he is leaving you feeling unhappy and 'unshared' with the rest of his life. You don't feel like you're a part of his world. It's because he isn't yet OUT of his old married life yet. And I don't mean just legally, with divorce papers.

You deserve to have someone who is available and able to be in a relationship with you. You deserve to NOT be in a relationship where you still have to live with the ghost of the ex-wife.

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 9:03pm

Thank you, thank you, thank you Shrimpy!!! Very well said!!! I never thought of it that way as he is "still married at heart." Yes, even though he is "legally" in the process, it doesn't mean his heart is...WOW!!!

I'm not sure if you know, but I've had many conversations with him regarding the same things we are talking about right now and it seems for that moment, he become very attentive to my needs then, two weeks later, it's back to the same thing.

I will tell him that I think he never had the intention to introduce me to his kids or his family and he is emotionally unavaliable (I should have known, every time he talks about his "past," he is very angry and bitter) and that I feel he has kept me out of his life.

He is a great guy but you're right, he SHOULD NOT get involved with anyone right now. I've asked him if this was a good time for him and he never said no but I think he was fooling himself into thinking he was ready.

-Vanessa

Vanessa
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 9:11pm

Sweetie, I feel for you. But from what you've said here, it sounds like he doesn't want to be alone, so he has you. He is definitely not over his marriage or accepting of his divorce. I think if you walk away you will do both of you a favor because he needs to

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Sat, 06-09-2007 - 1:03am

Hi!

Thank you too!!! Your words are words that I knew all along but never wanted to say out loud in fear it might be true. I had this strange feeling too about him just having me to not be alone. I can remember when my ex first left, I leached on to the first guy that came my way and hung on to him for dear life. Oh, I didn't want to be alone so I continued to date and date and each time things got better until this recent one.

At first, I felt we were at different points in our lives but I was willing to stay on board to see if things would work out. Well, it turns out, things are not getting better, yes, there are times he makes me feel like a queen but more he makes me question myself, question my self worth. Ok, I'll admit it, I love the guy, so this makes things harder to let go. I'll admit this one too - I'm still with him in hopes he will come around but as I've learned, this is no good.

Thank you so much for your post, I do agree with you, he does need to be alone to reflect on his divorce for his own good (I've talked to him about this and he doesn't seem to think he needs it??? Denial). It's almost been two years since my ex left and I've had plenty of time to self reflect and damn, it feels sooooooo good!!!

I will keep you posted =0)

-Vanessa

Vanessa
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 06-09-2007 - 8:34pm

Hi Vanessa,

You have great advice from all. I enjoyed reading this thread and could not agree with the others more. I know it is hard to throw in the towel when you really like someone and yet you see something that makes you know it just won't work and is not good for you. I just had to do that myself recently.

But the minute you throw this one out, a better one will come along. I know have 3 good prospects I am writing to and will probably meet.

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