Guys getting distant and disappearing

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2006
Guys getting distant and disappearing
10
Fri, 04-25-2008 - 3:04am

I posted this before but here's an update. I've been seeing this guy since December. From the beginning he said that he "just wanted to have fun". He actually told me to date other guys and said he wouldn't care if I slept with other guys. He also dates other women. He said that he would tell me if he had sex with someone else, don't know if I believe that. I thought that I was okay with all that but started getting emotionally attached and falling in love. I'm not sure if we're actually dating or in a FWB situation. We've gone on a couple of dates but most of our get-togethers involve sex.

We were seeing each other once a week, now it's been 3 weeks. He called last month when he was on vacation for two weeks so I think that he does like me for more than just the sex, although I could be wrong here. We're on opposite schedules - he works mostly nights in the restaurant industry so I do understand not being able to see him more often with work, kids, etc. He claims to be really busy with work and fixing up his house lately. I offered to come over to help him with his landscaping last weekend but he never got back to me about that. I'm starting to feel like he fits me in his schedule when it's convenient for him between his work, his friends...I've never met his friends other than his roommate.

The big factor is that he doesn't want biological kids although he doesn't mind that I have 3 kids - he's never met them or asked to meet them. He's 8 years younger than me, 32, but the age difference isn't a big deal to him. I think the fact that I have kids is more of a factor of him not wanting a serious relationship with me.

I've tried not to call or text him too often, once a week maybe, but I'm tired of waiting around for him so I'm seeing other guys now. I tried to see what his reaction was when I told him I went out with someone else and was making out with this guy. He was sort of curious but said that he didn't care. The last guy I went out with/got physical with strung me along for 5 months with way too many excuses before he disappeared and just stopped returning my calls/texts and emails.

Okay, ladies, has this happened with you? What did you do? I'm tired of the disappearing acts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2007
Fri, 04-25-2008 - 7:43am

I tried to see what his reaction was when I told him I went out with someone else and was making out with this guy. He was sort of curious but said that he didn't care.


This is the most damaging clue right here--you are not a priority in his life, you are a FWB--there is no way this will change if this is how he feels!

April

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2007
Fri, 04-25-2008 - 7:59am

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Fri, 04-25-2008 - 8:22am

I agree it sounds like he isn't interested in any more than an FWB (which can be great if you two are on the same page)..... the fact that he doesn't care if you date other guys is the big clue... Guys who are really into you don't want you seeing other guys period.


If you feel it is time to move on.. do so and have fun yourself.... I say don't regret the wonderful sex you two have had.... or the connection... even if it's over now, hurts a little or a lot... life is full of experiences... I say enjoy them all.... Keep getting out there and moving on... no regrets.


Hugs,


Loonybunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 04-25-2008 - 9:26am

When a guy is just interested in sex - this is all you get. I think he made it apparent that he had no romantic interest right from the beginning by just having sex, making all the meetings about sex and saying he is dating others and that you can, too. Unfortunately relationships that are based on this never progress and usually fizzle.

Perhaps if you realize this you can wait for a guy who meets your criteria and has more of a dating and relationship agenda? Those ones are usually more "into you" and wanting to date and court you. They want exclusivity and a relationship with you and will tell you that. Hold out for one of those and you will do better next time.

Welcome! Glad you found us - you will learn a lot if you stick around and we do hope you participate in all of our threads.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Fri, 04-25-2008 - 10:27am

I'll sing backup to everyone else here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Fri, 04-25-2008 - 10:55am

He was clear that he only wanted sex from the beginning and wasn't going to invest anything further.


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Fri, 04-25-2008 - 11:57am
First of all (((HUGS)))...this is a FWB deal...as long as it works for you both, great! If not time to move on. My most recent relationship ended Tuesday. Our get-togethers mostly involved intimacy. We had the talk, and as much as I wanted, deserved more he wasn't able to offer it to me at this time so.....hard part is caring about and being vunerable to someone else. But you need to take stock and REALLY care about you. You are a wonderful person who deserves to be loved, respected and desired. You'll find "him" and he's going to sweep you off your feet....or maybe you'll sweep him off of his.

~~Tiny


You said you couldn't stand to see my heart broken...so when you broke it, did you close your eyes?

~Karen
˙·٠•●♥Ƹ̵̡&#1244
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Fri, 04-25-2008 - 12:02pm

"We had the talk, and as much as I wanted, deserved more he wasn't able to offer it to me at this time so..."


That's why it's important to have that talk FIRST, so you don't assume by his actions that he wants the same thing as you.


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Fri, 04-25-2008 - 12:05pm

Yes...I think it;s happened to every one of us at some point in our lives.


He told you who he was and what his intentions were from the beginning.. and maybe that is a clue you can pick up on in the future. See it for what it is worth. In your next relationship, listen to a man when he says these things (like he wants to see others, ok for you to see others, etc). They are saying UP FRONT what they want and that is how things will progress.


You could keep this guy as a FWB if you like of course. But it kind of sounds like to me that you are looking for more...someone to finally be exclusive with. You CAN find someone to be exclusive with! When you begin dating a new guy, hold out on the sex until you have a good feeling about his intentions.


I know it's

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2006
Fri, 04-25-2008 - 11:08pm

Thanks for all the replies. I'm not opposed to "having fun" but I just don't like being lied to by him or any other guy. I think we've all heard enough of men making excuses, "I was busy with work, I lost my phone, I fell asleep and forgot to call, etc." I'm not necessarily looking for an exclusive relationship because I do enjoy flirting with and meeting other guys but he was the one I happened to get attached to and really like.

I guess I was hoping this situation would evolve into a relationship since he was older than most of the other guys I dated/had sex with. The other guys were in their 20s and I knew where I stood. (If you haven't read my previous posts, I look about 25 to 28 years old even though I'm 40 so I'm approached by younger guys). There was very little chance that a 23 to 25 year old would have a serious relationship with an older woman with 3 kids, Demi Moore being the exception :-)

As far as sex, when I was married the sex was not very exciting so hot sex is definitely something I'm looking for with a guy. Anyways, I called up one of my 20-something guys that I hooked up with before to have fun ;-)