Have you ever...
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| Tue, 07-17-2007 - 3:56pm |
...dated someone outside of your race? The reason I ask is, being from the area I am from (South central Virginia), mixed racial couples are not looked well upon. There are a lot of couples in mixed relationships and I know that each generation is different. I would not have a problem with my son dating someone that is not caucasian as long as they were good to him and vice versa. His dad on the other hand would throw a fit!
I have conflicting issues with this. I have dated and am still friends with a guy that I dated 3 1/2 years ago that is African American/Puerto Rican. At times we have been FWB but we never go any further because of my family. It's actually my mom, stepdad, and grandparents. When we first started dating, I had told my mom that he was of a different race and she went off. She said she didn't want mixed grandchildren, etc., etc. I have always thought about being in a relationship with him and at times I feel like he wants to be as well. We have had several discussions about this and he tells me that because the closest members of my family aren't okay with it, he doesn't want to go deeper into a relationship. His reasoning...before he met me, his previous gf kept him a secret from her dad and when he found out, he was NOT happy. She broke up with him shortly there after. He has not gotten over that since. I can understand his reservations about getting serious with me because he doesn't want to feel like a freak or outsider.
Sooooo, I date other people and he does his thing. He hasn't really dated anyone but does his own thing, goes on cruizes and trips with his family and this couple that he is good friends with. He loves their children too. They have been friends a long time.
I just get so frustrated sometimes thinking about all of this and how we could possibly have a pretty good relationship if my family would let me. I KNOW that my family should be concerned about my happiness first and not care what he looks like BUT this is southern VA we are talking about.
Now, after all of that rambling, have any of you been in this type of situation or dated outside of your race? What were the reactions if you did?
Jennifer --just rambling today

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I have never really met someone for dating that is another race - I am generally attracted to people who are similar to me. But one thing is for sure - if I was in your boat and my mom didn't like it I would tell her too bad. Because I date for me. I would NOT put up with any bad behavior from her towards my SO.
I have an open mind to mixed races being in relationships. But I think they both have to be very strong on putting themselves as a couple first before the opinions of their families. Even if it means they don't see their own families very often. Otherwise it is just too frustrating. And I don't think you can underestimate this - because my exh lived to please his own mother - and even though we are of the same race this made my life a living hell for many other different reasons.
EVERYONE I have ever dated has been outside of my own race. I'm Asian, and I have yet to meet an Asian man that I am attracted to. Plus, the areas where I live are just not blooming with Asian choices anyway.
Most of the men I've dated have been white. (and I'm sure they still are- lol) ;-)
I have gone out with some men who supposedly picked me because I was Asian- and I hate that. I don't want to be wanted because of my race just as much as I wouldn't like to be rejected because of my race. And IMO, if a man wanted to date me on the basis of my race, that would mean they have some stereotype about it- and I don't fit into any stereotype, TYVM! I've known some men who have contacted me through OLD because of the race category, and I don't think they even read anything else on my profile.
I liked a guy in college who was nice. He and I were really attracted to each other, liked each other's company... even went out a few times romantically (with the good-bye kisses at the end)- but then he had to tell me we couldn't get serious or date because his family wouldn't want him dating anyone who wasn't white. That really BITES because we got along well, and I know I wouldn't have "ruined him" just because I wasn't white. But looking back on it, I know that a situation like that is best dropped. If he is going to let his family dictate something that has to do with race, then that is not a family I would want to be a part of anyway. No matter how nice the guy was. It's just SAD, is what that was. Sounds like you're in the same spot- except you're the guy I dated and I'm the guy in your situation.
The men I have had the best relationships with- are the ones who "forget" that I'm Asian. They see me and they see me, not a race. And when someone else mentions it to them, THEN they might think "oh yeah, she is, isn't she?" but it's not a big deal. I like dating COLORBLIND men. ;-)
I don't know what to tell you about your situation. I know that race issues with older family can be pretty strong. My grandma used to stress to all of us that we should marry Asians... but as time went on (LOTS of time), she did eventually come to realize that we just didn't have all that many Asians in this region for dating. But I also know that not all older family members would 'come around' to accepting others. It sucks if you think you and your friend could be really good together as partners and the only thing in your way right now, is race. Something he can't control, and something you KNOW doesn't "make" him who he is because he goes much deeper than the color of his skin. But yet your family is such a strong influence and a big part of your life- you can't deny them, either.
What a jam. And I don't know what advice to give- because I've sort of been there- but the options that I've taken were to split up and NOT date. And that probably isn't what you want to hear.
Personally? I think that if you really like each other and are strong together, then give it a shot anyway- but that's me. Maybe your family can "come around" about it like my Grandma did.
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
I completely agree with you Judy. My mom is very stubborn and set in her ways. I think she, my stepdad, and my grandparents who would probably disown me from the family. I think this is why I worry. It's just a tough call. My sister, brother and his wife would be fine with this. I don't know how and have never asked how she would feel about me dating someone who was Asian, Mexican, etc. I don't know if she would have a problem with that.
Another thing, I still have my son to worry about and his father. His father would not like it. As long as (I'll call him D) D treats me and my son well, he really can't do anything about it except be pi$$ed. He would definitely TRY to take Logan away I think.
For right now, he is just my friend, sometimes more, and it just frustrates the heck out of me sometimes.
Jennifer
I'm hijacking this topic a bit in response to shrimpychimps. I too am Asian, third generation Japanese American. I have grown up with Caucasians so being with other Asians seem strange to me and hence I am not attracted to Asian women.
A Jewish acquaintence of mine was frustrated with Jewish women who made it a rule not to date other Jewish men. He labelled that as a form of self-hatred. I thought about my own self acceptance of my ethnicity since being a minority was not fun growing up. I use to consider myself as a "twinkie," i.e. yellow on the outside, white on the inside.
I use to chastise myself for being attracted to Caucasian blonde women but now I yam what I yam.
On the flip side, my Caucasian guy friend goes nuts over Asian women. Ironically he is in a commmitted relationship over this hot blonde.
Mark
I'm a white lady. German, Welsh, French.
I dated a fellow from China. We had a lot of fun. He's still a great friend, we talk weekly and hang out once in a while.
Race was never an issue and the cultural differences were a lot of fun and still are. We ended it because he's still not ready for a serious relationship. Oh well. I'm dating someone else now.
No one we knew were bothered in the slightest.
I guess at 45 I am at a point in my life where I would tell my mom to go blow. Really. She put me through so much he11 because of my divorce that we have little left of a relationship. But she has also learned a hard lesson that she cannot manipulate me or my actions with her approval. I do not need to be validated by her to feel like a whole and happy person. It took a lot for me to get to this.
I think if you really wanted it you could do it - but it would not be easy and you would have to tell them all to stay out of your business and you may never have their approval - how would you feel about that? The problems come too when you need their help. I am not a big family type of person so I could be okay with that. But not everyone is like that.
I don't think your exh could take your child away easily. And what is the reality of him dealing with your DS full time as you do? I mean, that is a lot of work!
The thing is that your friend would also have to want this too. You would have to both be okay to just do your own thing and not let family butt in.
That is a hugely good point that it matters regarding what part of the country you are in. I think here in S FL we are more receptive to that sort of thing because there are many Latinos here and mixing is not a big deal. But yes, in New England it would be very different. As we both unfortunately know!
I cannot imagine dating someone with a culture that is known for gender bias against women either. That would spook me in a bad way after all the stories I have read.
I guess one more thing to add that I just thought of for our OP - is that if you want kids together this is probably too big of a hotbed. I was thinking more of myself since I am too old for more kids and don't want to be pregnant again - that for me something like this would matter less. But if you are younger and want children then I think mixing races where you know your family would not accept it would be very hard. Having children together in my opinion makes a relationship about 1000 times harder - the stress they cause and the points to agree/argue on for parenting are huge.
I am having a huge disagreement with my exh right now on what he is doing with my DS on their vacation. He is trying to play the macho role with making him eat food he doesn't like because he is home with his family. And my poor DS has to go hungry while he watches the family eat brownies. What a fun family vacation - NOT - but this is the culture my exh came from.
Wow. I appreciate all of the opinions and advice from you all! This was definitely an eye opener.
I had thought about the marriage, children, my son, etc. and I think all would be fine but I still have my doubts. Yes, part of my family would disown me and that would not make my life easier. I don't want my son growning up in that type of environment thinking about why we don't go and visit his Nanny anymore or why people have a problem with his mom's new relationship.
I am raising my son to not be prejudiced towards different races even towards other types of people NOT based on race. I actually grew up in a racist family (go figure) and had that mentality to a certain degree but I ALWAYS got along with everyone. I guess I got that from my papa because he doesn't meet a stranger. :) Of course there was always that stigma that was programmed in my head by my family but I have overcome it. I guess it's the Libra in me because I like peace and harmony and justice. I want my son to grow up with an open mind and not be afraid to get to know people that are not like him. Does this make sense? I think everyone deserves a chance in life. Maybe that's why I can never decide on who to date exclusively! lol
I think in the long run it will be best for me and D to remain friends. I have enough stress in my life right now and don't need to add any more.
Thanks again for all of the insight!
Jennifer
Edited 7/18/2007 11:13 am ET by jh12
Mark I died laughing at your comment about being attracted to blond caucasian women. I am blond! lol Too funny! There's nothing wrong with being attracted to certain things about other people. I have a thing for dark haired, blue/green-eyed guys. lol If I don't find one that meets those criteria I'm not gonna die from sadness. Just a preference. lol
Jennifer
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