Have you ever been in this position?

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Have you ever been in this position?
18
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 3:36pm

You are asked VERY casually to lunch with a co-worker of the opposite sex. You KNOW your SO doesn't particularly like this person, and even (for some unknown reason, and they would never admit this) feels a bit competitive with this person. You do NOT have any discomfort with your co-worker, so you go.


But, do you mention it to your SO? OR, only if it comes up? (But then you might get a "Funny you didn't mention you went to lunch with so and so before now!" sort of accusation) Or do you just MAKE sure that it doesn't come up and therefore end up feeling rather sneaky for something you didn't do wrong?


You might be looking at a fight either way. But really, is there a reason NOT to have gone to lunch?


Putting yourself in someone else's shoes, would it bother you if your SO went on a casual lunch outing with someone you felt you had to compete with, even if you KNEW it was completely unfounded.


Obviously this isn't hypothetical, as it's my situation, but I am curious to know what anyone else would feel/think/do in same position. And it's for discussion's sake mostly.

Becky

Becky

 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 3:46pm
I'm thinking about my situation and giggling, beck. Trav is NOT possessive, but he's VERY jealous. He is suspicious of anyone within a 10 mile radius of me, regardless of age or gender. I'm not kidding. He thinks everyone must want me madly. (Honestly, I think the same about him, because he is just SO...magnetic). I think I finally settled the matter when I said "ok, yes there are men who are interested. But I don't WANT any of them, so that's the END of that story, ok???" LOL

I send him chatty email and tell him all about who I have lunch with. I don't lunch with any men right now except my son occassionally. My "indian food" guy friend kept putting down the idea of my relationship with Trav, and I don't talk to him any more. If Trav didn't like someone, for good reasons, I wouldn't hang out with them...because I trust his judgement. That hasn't ever happened, so I don't see it being a problem.

Not sure I helped...*shrugging*

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 3:56pm

Only out of pure respect for my SO's feelings, and putting the shoe on the other foot (relating how I would feel if he went to lunch with a woman I had issues with), I wouldn't go.


You know how women have certain vibes about other women that men are blind to?

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 4:27pm

Any sane partner would accept that and quickly get over it.

Becky

 

 

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 4:35pm
If a good working r'ship with my co-worker was important to my job, and having lunch with him would further that, then I'd go, and I'd only mention it if I normally told my SO about having lunch with any other co-worker (i.e., not hide it, but not make a point of telling, either, unless it's usual to tell him who you have lunch with every day).

If the shoe were on the other foot, so long as I trusted my SO, I wouldn't have a problem with it. I mean, I wouldn't want them having lunch together every *day*, but once in a while? No biggie.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 5:10pm
me? I would mention it straightaway. I would hate for SO to find out later and to be hurt by it...if it's innocent, why omit it? I have a lot of issue around outright lying and lying by omission.

And is there a reason not to have gone to lunch? Depends...if my SO is feeling insecure about this guy because he's flirting with me, then I wouldn't go at all...or because he just doesn't get on with this guy, then it shouldn't matter. SO just got out of going to lunch with someone he doesn't like.

My SO goes to lunch with attractive women at work all the time...I know they are because I've been to his office and met them. In fact that's where he is right now, at lunch with a woman friend. He's only got women friends, it's an interesting phenomenom...and me, with all the infidelity baggage, trusts him implicitly.
Avatar for cl_beckty
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 5:26pm

it's an interesting phenomenom...and me, with all the infidelity baggage, trusts him implicitly...Wow, that is really great news. You are healthy in SPITE of all that crap. I have a difficult time with trust, and I've NOT been cheated on. (well, ok, I suspected it with my first fiance, Ty's dad. But only suspected. And that was towards the end of "us")


Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sat, 06-05-2004 - 5:18am
Personally, I would always be honest with my SO.

And I would respect his wishes on a matter like this. Because I would want the same respect.

I have watched many relationships over the years. And the one my secretary has with her husband is extraordinary. They are so in love and have so much fun after 15 years. I know if I asked her this question she would say the same thing as me.


Edited 6/5/2004 11:42 am ET ET by west1745

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Sat, 06-05-2004 - 10:07am
Well, my situation is a bit different because Shane says he never has time to do lunch with me. So if I found out he went to lunch with ANYONE male or female, I'd be a little hurt over it. In fact he's called me before on his way out to lunch with a male friend and it bugged me because just the day before I asked him to please try to make time for me for lunch one day soon. This was a long time ago. He only works with one female and she's cool and I like her and she's married...happily so I know if he ever had lunch with her, which is doubtful, it would be innocent. And if he was invited with any of his out of town friends that I know well, I'd hope he'd invite me too. Otherwise, he just takes his lunch or gets take out and brings it back to work.

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 06-05-2004 - 11:34am
And how does Shane feel about you having lunch with someone? Or how would he feel?
Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 06-05-2004 - 5:42pm

Becky


I've never had this come up but James does work with a lot of women.

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