HC & Averey FINALLY met!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2009
HC & Averey FINALLY met!
8
Mon, 06-28-2010 - 11:03am

Didnt use a happy icon, thought about the confused one, lol. Will update both the meet & HC stuff here. Bare with me if its long (which isnt new, i know! lol)

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2009
Mon, 06-28-2010 - 11:48am

Rebecca, as you know I'm not a mother (sadly),

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 06-28-2010 - 12:27pm

Wow, sounds like a fun time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2009
Mon, 06-28-2010 - 4:45pm

Thanks Glammy. & please, just cause' you dont have a kiddo, doesnt mean you cant give me advice! Life experience counts too!

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2009
Mon, 06-28-2010 - 4:48pm

Yeah ,works out really well for me bc i dont like to cook OR clean ... but i love to enterain! lol


I also think that simply telling her that she doesn't get to tell you who you can see as long as they are nice, may be a good & mentioning how it woudl feel if i didnt wnat her to have freinds ... I tried it all prior, lol.


Hopefully, in time she will accept it. Thasn!

Photobucket Photobucket


R~ Mom to Averey


Photobucket Photobucket


In Memory of The Boys. Kibo & Sana .... Swim Free Boys, in Heaven's Vast Ocean.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Mon, 06-28-2010 - 4:58pm

I'll probably get flamed for this, but here are my two cents. I'm sort of with Avery on this one. The thing is; because you and HC have not discussed your future (beyond enjoying what you have now and your mutual hope that it will continue); you are not in the position to develop more of a family unit between you, HC and Avery. (no point in having her get attached to a man that isn't sticking around). But unless you both discuss and work towards actively including Avery in your relationship (as opposed to casual meetings where she is not the priority) This IS going to lead to her feeling jealous and left out. (After all, you now have a man in your life showing you love and affection but she doesn't get any of that or really to be an integral part of it)

When I introduced my daughter into the mix with my boyfriend, we started by doing a lot of activities that revolved around her in order to help build some kind of bond between them (bowling, mini golf, bike riding, amusement parks) things that she was interested in so that her focus was on fun. Having fun in each others company was a great way to build a bond between them and to make her feel part of the unit.

I think until HC can come out and say he wants a future with you, then you really are better off keeping things as separate as you can between him and Avery; yes of course you are entitled to adult companionship; but unless that adult is going to be actively inclusive of your daughter, then it shouldn't be on her time.

I really hope you don't take the above as anything bad or negative, just MY perspective and MY thoughts on your post and in no way a judgment of you or your life - I certainly know and appreciate that life is never black and white and I have seen for myself that you are fantastic mother and I know from my daughter that Avery is a sweet, lovely, sensitive kid.

xo

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2009
Mon, 06-28-2010 - 5:39pm

I dont agree. In fact, whether or not we plan a long range future together, Averey NEEDS to see me in a good relationship, see what a good man is to a woman, & see how relationships work. I never said I was EVER in a MILLION years introducing them in order to "become a family unit"???

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Mon, 06-28-2010 - 7:00pm

"I dont agree. In fact, whether or not we plan a long range future together, Averey NEEDS to see me in a good relationship, see what a good man is to a woman, & see how relationships work. "

But if you don't plan to involve her much in your relationship, how is she going to see what your good relationship looks like? She is still too young to see this as a positive thing for you if it doesn't involve her in some way, so if she isn't included in the relationship, she's going to feel left out..

"But an occassional time spent together so she is comfortable if he is to be part of my life / & the rare occassions where it will be both of them for something (like my brothers wedding), there needs to be some familiarity b/w them."

If it's just occasional time that she spends with him, she's never going to be able to develop anything beyond a superficial relationship which will probably feel awkward and uncomfortable for her. This is ultimately going to make her feel left out because she doesn't feel the same sense of closeness towards him that you do.

My comment that you quoted: (as opposed to casual meetings where she is not the priority) - you seem to have misunderstood what I meant. It's not that you don't make Avery a priority - OF COURSE YOU DO and that's obvious from your many postings; I meant that a party situation is about lots of people, not HER specifically; whether or not it's what she wanted, it's not an ideal situation for them to bond because there are so many other people to pay attention to.

You say doing something just the three of you would have been way too uncomfortable, but there are those moments in life that we must face and deal with rather than run and hide from. I'm just saying.. Trust me when I tell you that I understand. I was a single mother for 7 years and my daughter never met any of the men I dated until my boyfriend came along. When I first introduced them it was quite difficult and quite emotionally exhausting (I think for me, more than for them!) but we all got through the tricky moments and they now have a wonderful relationship with each other. I am not suggesting that this is the course of action for you; just that something being uncomfortable isn't a reason not to do it - it can still have a positive outcome.

I completely agree with you that you are not pushing him on her in any way, I was not suggesting you were in any way whatsoever. My thoughts are that Avery is jealous maybe not of your attention for him but because she is not included; not invited to the party so to speak, but only allowed to observe.

I hope you know I am not some troll surfing the net looking for someone to cut down. I am the therapist to all of my friends and family, and I guess to satisfy some urge of mine to analyze human behavior I come on here and have a go and that's all I'm doing; giving you my analysis of your situation and offering you a different perspective to look at.

Best wishes

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2009
Mon, 06-28-2010 - 8:21pm

I know youre not a troll, lol. Youve been around a long time & I met you in real life. You dont LOOK like a troll!


I think a few visits togther for a day at the beach, park, dinner, whatever is more than enough for her at this point, to see the relationship in its postive ways of a nice guy, kind, thoughtful, fun & NICE to me. beleive me, after what she saw from her father, it woudlnt take much for her to realize someone is being nice to her monther as opposed to horrid.


Im glad you explained the thing about her being the priority. but honestly, i dont think the best way for them to meet SHOULD have been "her being the priority" or the meet being "the priority". I just wanted her to familiarize herself with him & his being "around" in a superficial way for now. Thast all its was meant to be & it worked out for the most part, how i wanted.


You say doing something just the three of you would have been way too uncomfortable, but there are those moments in life that we must face and deal with rather than run and hide from.


Totally disagree. No one was running & hiding. Why would I purposely put her in a situation i KNEW she would be uncomfortable in when I had other options?

Photobucket