He called

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
He called
16
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 7:24pm

I didn't think he would, but I thought he might. I told him when he left last Saturday that I needed to be alone for now, that I would want to see him but I can't. But from his perspective (apparently) there is no reason we have to stop seeing each other. He wants to see me, I want to see him. That's how we've stayed together thus far. I can't fault him for wanting to see me, we really are good together.

Thank goodness my friend is coming into town tonight. It was so much easier to say "I want to see you but I just can't, and anyways I have to pick my friend up at the airport in a few hours." I have to stay strong if he calls in a few days after she's gone. I know I can do it. But it's so hard. I do want to see him, I am glad he wants to see me. I also know I want that future and committment and he can't give me that.

THIS IS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had just downed 4-5 chocolate oreo-type cookies and 1/3 of a bag of potato chips right before he called. Now I feel like I'm going to barf.




Edited 5/13/2005 7:28 pm ET ET by firstamendment

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
In reply to: firstamendment
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 9:58pm

I can't believe he called you. When I saw the title of your post I said to myself, "My God- how selfish can a person be?" I know this has been just excrutiatingly painful for you. The least he could do is respect what you are telling him and just leave you alone and let you heal. Reminds me of that old 80s song (there is orange clouds getting the 80s in my mind) where the lady is belting out, "Why don't you get out of my life? Let me sleep at night. Cause you dont really need me- you just keep me...HANGING ON!" Remember that one guys? I forget who sang it.

Anyway, please hang in there and be strong. Succumbing to spending time with him would just break your heart more- if that is possible. I wish I had good advice for how to withstand this pain but I don't. I know how it feels and it's just awful. Just know that we care about you here.

Amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: firstamendment
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 10:01pm
But from his perspective (apparently) there is no reason we have to stop seeing each other. He wants to see me, I want to see him. That's how we've stayed together thus far.



He wants to have his cake and eat it too - to have you - but not to commit to you and take you out of limbo with all the drama. You are doing the right thing - hold out for what you want. I am very glad your friend is coming into town. You handled that so so well - and so impressive for how soon after the breakup that he dished this one out!



If I was you I would screen my calls and not answer when he calls again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: firstamendment
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 10:20am
Thank you both. I am going to stay strong (even though I feel weak). My friend left this morning. I am very lucky she was here, we had a great time yesterday. Him calling makes it harder, but it doesn't change what I know is true. I am a package deal and he doesn't want the package right now. My therapist and I had discussed before that the only way at this point that I could continue seeing him was if he had a change of heart and made a committment to me. I don't see that happening. :(

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: firstamendment
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 11:12am

I am so glad your friend was here for you this weekend. I think the weekends are the hardest to get through when you have gone through a breakup, especially when your child is gone for visitation with the other parent. Saturday night especially.

I think you have made a good decision to say you can't go on anymore unless you see a future. I think this will give him time alone to sort out his life and maybe he will miss you and come back and maybe he will just stay in his funk. And maybe you will even meet someone even better in the process.

None of us can know what tomorrow will bring - and sometimes it brings great fortune beyond what we could ever wish for!!

Whatever happens, I know you will be okay. It seems like your time away has taken off the pressure and stress you had from being in limbo and that you are not willing to go back to that, although you do have pain from the separation.

So, tell us, where is your friend from? How do you know her? What did you do?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: firstamendment
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 11:33am

Thank you, and you are right, that is how I feel. I don't want to go back to limbo stage. He knows me as well as he ever will, he knows dd, he knows what he's giving up and if he can't see how to make us fit into his life then I simply cannot be with him. It doesn't make it hurt any less, it's still hard.

She is my friend from college. We both lived in Arizona when we met, and after we graduated she moved back east and so did we (she lives in Boston, she's the one I drive up to see a few times per year). We had not spent any child-free time together since before my dd was born (my dd is almost 5, and my friend as 3 year old twin girls - when I go up to Boston I always take dd, becuase my friend will have her children there no matter what). She got a special fare to fly down so she came when my dd was with her dad. We slept in, went out to breakfast, went shopping, took a dinner cruise (it was a gorgeous afternoon, absolutely perfect for sitting on the deck after we ate to talk and relax), then we did some more shopping. It was just what I needed.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: firstamendment
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 10:50am
How are you doing this fine Monday morning, First? Are you better?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: firstamendment
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 11:11am
I don't know. I guess so. I had a long talk with my ex this morning and he is not leaning towards moving back to Colorado. I have to hope he changes his mind, because I keep feeling more and more strongly that it's the right answer. I really do need my sister and my mom, and I really want to see my niece and nephew grow up too. Part of all this was that when my bf pulled away emotionally right before my trip, I realized how much I miss being apart of a family. I had been hoping for so long that my bf would decide to stay and he would introduce dd and I to his family (he has siblings and there are lots of children). I need that in my life. Now that the relationship with my bf ended, it is so much more obvious that I have nobody here. My ex and I had started to build a support system of friends when we were married, but the divorce, selling the house and moving has obliterated that. My bf could have been that for me, but he's not going to be. I have to wait until next summer before I will be ready to buy a house, and I know I will not stay in the town I'm in now (it's too far from my work, and I moved here last summer because my ex changed jobs, but now he's gone back to his old employer). That means moving and starting all over in a new neighborhood, working on building a support system from the ground up all over again. I don't want to do that. I want to go home to my existing support system. My ex doesn't care about being near his sister and his nieces and nephew, and he certainly doesn't care about being near my family. Plus he introduced his gf to his mom this weekend (his mom is visiting this week) and he said it went well. I asked if he talked to his mom about Colorado and apparently she said it would be nice if he moved back (then all her grandchildren would be together) but it didn't sound like she was up to pressuring him about it. His mom moved away from all their family when the children were young (that is why they grew up in Colorado), and she probably doesn't think it's that big of deal either. But when she did that, she had two children all the time. I have one child half the time. He said we could keep talking about it but there are no positive signs he's going to agree at this point. I guess I'm just feeling very lonely and sorry for myself right now.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: firstamendment
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 12:01pm

Hugs to you. I know how you feel with the support system thing. It has taken me quite some time to build that back since the divorce.

I do live near my family and that is a help - but not as much of a help as you might expect.

For now I think you should just try to heal from the bf thing and try to get out more and build what you can for now.

Next year when you have the money for a house you will have the answers. Maybe you will have met someone new and great and will want to stay where you are. Maybe your ex will not be opposed to you moving to Colorado without him - or maybe he will want to go. Try not to think about that now - a year will change a lot and can bring you a lot of things.

Sorry to hear you are feeling so low. It seems like you got hit with everything at once. Isn't that always the way - UGH!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: firstamendment
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 12:09pm
I feel like I can't build any kind of support system right now. I don't know where I'll be living in a year, even if I am stuck here. My ex would never agree to letting me move with dd and not him. I don't want to meet anyone new (even after I have healed from the relationship with my bf) because I don't want to close the door on moving back home, and starting a new relationship could do that. It's hard to make friends because I can't really go out (can't drink, I get tired so easily), and all the friends I have made just end up drifting away for some reason or another. I have close friends, but they don't live here. I feel like I just have to stick with being alone for now and just deal with it. I will probably feel better soon, but the week isn't really starting off great :(

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: firstamendment
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 4:35pm

I am really sorry to hear about your situation with your now ex. Since I have been gone from the boards for a while, traveling for work, I had to go back and read a few posts to get caught up on the situation. I see now that you’ve come to a decision (mutually) that it’s over.

I can’t express to you how much I sympathize. I have been through a very similar heartache and I know how much it can hurt and how hard it is to let go when the only thing that is wrong is bad timing. I just want to say that I applaud you and your strength. You are doing marvelously. Even if you are having self-defeating thoughts, and crying daily, and wondering why…you are staying strong, and that is amazing! Don’t underestimate yourself. In the end you’ll see you made the best choice. Don’t waiver. Stay strong. You SO deserve it to be with someone who can place you as #1 and make you a full commitment. You may not think so you deserve the kind of pain you are going through right now, but in the near future you will know why you did needed to go through this and you will be ok.

It helps to just get the feelings out, so keep posting. We are all here to support you. By the way, have you tried the new Darth Vader M&M's? They are pretty great.

*hugs*

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