He called after 3 weeks

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
He called after 3 weeks
11
Sat, 08-25-2007 - 11:07am

If you will recall I was so proud of myself for ending it with the guy I was seeing. Well he called yesterday evening and we talked on the phone for like almost 2 hours. It was kind of funny, he said it was like I hit him with a baseball bat and he's had to pick himself up and shake his head. He wants me to give him a second chance.

Girls I don't know what to do. We seem to match on so many levels but I cannot be around some one that drinks a lot. He wants to quit so he can see me. During the conversation, he kept saying he drinks because he's bored and he has not had anyone in his life to share and do things with. He has to stay busy. He wants a good woman in his life and he's found her.

Also, from May 19 up until June 28 we spent almost every weekend together. It was a very busy time for me, keeping up with DD, helping with running little league, keeping up with work (full time and part time job) that by the time I told him he couldn't see me anymore I just wanted to be left alone. I'm not kiddin, I didn't want to be around ANYBODY. He called all the time and when I didn't call him when he knew I would have time, he would call. I wasn't getting anything done. After a while I just threw up my hands and didn't do anything. My DD went to FL Aug 4 - 11 and I spent the whole week coming home after work doing what I wanted to do and just listening to "quiet". IT WAS SO AWESOME. Neither phones were ringing off the hook, no one running in and out, music (that I didn't want to listen to) wasn't bouncing off the walls all over the house. It was almost like I got overwhelmed with everything and everyone.

He is such a sweet man other than the drinking part. He's baby's the heck out of me (which is something I've never had) and he's easy to talk with and sometimes we don't have to talk at all and it's not awkward. He's offered to do things around my house but I don't let him because that would be too wierd for me.

At any rate, I told him his request for a 2nd chance was being processed but I could not give him an answer right away because for me it would be a HUGE risk. I asked him to really think about the choice he will be making and he WILL have to be comfortable with that and also he would have to try it on his own to make sure he's comfortable.

I'm comfortable with his man otherwise and I missed his companionship but not all the time.

Emma (trying to get her brains to process this)

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Sat, 08-25-2007 - 1:02pm

Oooh, touchy one!

My brain and logic says that you should cut bait and leave yourself free- just because of the drinking part alone. If he has a problem with drinking too much, then HE needs to be the reason for himself to end that. He shouldn't use YOU as a reason to stop. Because what will happen if you guys get together and one day you have a fight? Will he get mad at you and run off and drink- because YOU were the reason he stopped, and that will be the one thing he can run to that would get back at you? Because YOU were the reason he had to give up his "buddy" alcohol in the first place?

Having not been an alcoholic, I realize it isn't just that way or that clear-cut simple- but also having dealt with alcoholics (professionally, not personally- thankfully)- but I also I know that his reason for quitting should NOT be another person. It should be something he wants and does for HIMSELF.

And on a topic that I DO know very well on my own experience... if he is someone who had smothered you in the past because he "has no other life" apart from time spent with you- then what makes you think that will change the second time around? And if you are a person who needs some alone time to yourself, and didn't get enough of it before- what makes you think you'll get it this time?

Also- if you found THAT much peace and satisfaction from the break you had, then that, IMO- is a signal that you just simply need to keep your world more simplified. So you're not pulled in so many directions and with so many others to take care of.

Sure, you said that he babied you and it was nice spending time with him... but it also seemed like he sucked alot of time and energy from you because he would call and take up whatever free time you got- just because he knew you'd be free. And in doing so- he didn't give you ANY free time for yourself at all!

Sense your inner BITCH (Babe In Total Control of Herself) and don't be afraid to stand up for what you WANT and need- the space you seem to want and need for your sanity! Is he someone who could back off and leave you alone for a weekend, if you need some time to yourself? Or he is someone who would whine and pull some guilt trip on you about it?

Sure, you want and need the companionship, too... but it would be best if you could find that in the level of balance that suits you, not smothers you. And that sounds like it might be something you'd have to find in someone else. There IS a way to have too much of a good thing- even when you enjoy it.

It's not your job to rehab a man. From alcoholism or from boredom with his own life. You shouldn't feel like you're having to entertain him to be in a relationship! That's draining!

The biggest warning sign I see? "During the conversation, he kept saying he drinks because he's bored and he has not had anyone in his life to share and do things with. He has to stay busy. He wants a good woman in his life and he's found her."

He's just replacing one addiction (drinking) with another addiction (you) and he can't get enough. He will smother you with his need for time... and if he can't get enough time with you, he will probably go back to the drinking. What OTHER passions or hobbies/interests does he have in his life?

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 08-25-2007 - 3:00pm

Wow Shrimps - you always write so well - I agree with every word.

Just wanted to add one more thing - the drinking bit is huge. I mean that is not something that is just annoying like smoking - problem drinking is usually an addiction that will only get worse with time unless the person admits they have a problem and really wants to totally stop drinking. And it always comes with huge drama and expense - DUIs, too much money on drinking, accidents, problems, etc. - nothing good and all bad in my experience. It is a huge risk in my opinion. I have dumped 3 boyfriends over drinking and would not hesitate to do it again.

His excuse, "I need a woman" is sort of a bit of denial which is typical with someone with a drinking problem. "If only I moved to a different place." "If only I lived somewhere else." "If only I made more money." On and on.

I would wonder, now that he does have a woman, what is going to be the next excuse? Because unless he works on the real problem there is going to be another excuse.

Emmab2, I wish you would do a search on "fireman" on this board and you will see the threads I had regarding his drinking and the other people's stories that reminded me of what an ugly monster the drinking is. Our own rlch had the most horrific marriage because of it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Sat, 08-25-2007 - 5:14pm

I like that you told him he'd have to stop drinking on his own- that it couldn't simply be because he wants to date you.

I drink on ocassion, but not nearly as much as I used to before dating my SO- it was, for me, just something I did with my friends because I was bored. If he feels the same way and isn't an alcoholic, that's great news, simply because him not being bored will end the drinking.

However, if he's an alcoholic, this will be a long, hard battle- for him. It doesn't have to be your battle- that's up to you. You can't make him stop drinking either way, but it sounds like you know that.

Typically, I don't believe in second chances. However, none of the relationships I've had ended because of something that one of us was willing to change. I would say that if you had a good relationship, he's willing to stop drinking FOR HIMSELF, and you feel comfortable setting some boundaries so you will have time to yourself and not getting overwhelmed, think about it.

One thing I would caution against is spending too much time together. Even though funnyguy and I are planning to move in together, we've both stayed active in our own hobbies and close to our own friends. We do spend a lot of time together, but we also make time for ourselves.

I really think a lot of this- aside from the drinking- is about you not making enough time for yourself. I would plan, if I were you, to set clear, firm boundaries so that you aren't being overwhelmed by him and losing yourself and your sanity.

Good luck with whatever you do, and keep us posted.

Moody, who will always need some time alone


Powered by CGISpy.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Sat, 08-25-2007 - 5:32pm

Hi,

I haven't read other responses, but I would tell you honestly if I had a daughter growing up, I will NEVER take the risk of starting anything with a guy who has drinkin issues. It will be irresponsible move in some ways.. He cant use you as an excuse to stop drinking. One xcuse follows others.. I would say be brave and stop all contacts. You will find someone without all these issues..give some more time.. you may miss the right one if you keep spending time with the wrong uy.
good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 1:46pm

I would warn you to think LONG & HARD about letting this man into your,

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 9:44pm

Actually I dont have to read that post. My ex drank a lot (at least I thought he did, to hear him say it he didn't) and I took my daughter out of that relationship so she would have to see her dad that way.

This guy's the same! Even though his personality is different than my ex's. I don't know why I was even considering it. I have given it a couple of days and he asked me to call him to let him know my decision. I've actually thought about just not calling maybe he would take the hint and be done. Can I do that? lol

Anyway, I started thinking about how I wasn't that upset after I told him the first time so there's my answer.

I do appreciate all the replies. It's so helpful to come to this board and just let it all out sometimes. I needed to read everything everyone had to post, and truly appreciate everyone's time.

I guess it's back to Match and all the gomers!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 6:35am

Bravo!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 8:47am

GOOD - good good good!!

And that is the thing - most drinkers don't think they drink that much and they try to justify their habit a million different ways - "I've never had a problem with it." And if anyone tries to suggest that they stop they get extremely belligerent or defensive. They just don't see it our way. That is the thing.

Anyway, I know it is hard to be searching all the time and coming up with nothing when you really want someone special. But you will find someone in time. There is someone out there for everyone!!

I pray that one of the "gomers" will be attractive and charming and sweep you off your feet!! LOL!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 10:45am

<<<<>>>>>>>

So would it be just really tacky tacky of me to just not call? I don't want to have to do this a SECOND time!!!! lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 11:14am

I don't think you need to call and explain yourself. You already broke up with him and he wants you back. No work required at all on your part. If he reaches out again, I would tell him that you are sticking with your original decision and wish him well. Otherwise, just let it go.

I was married to an alcoholic as well. Although I like to go out and have a few drinks now and again I don't drink often. I have a bottle of wine that has been in the house for months as well as some beer in the fridge that I haven't touched.

Good luck on Match.
Priscilla

Pages