He called to ask how my date went!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2006
He called to ask how my date went!
6
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 1:59am

Xbf knew I had a date on Friday night. We talked about it Friday morning while I made my coffee in the break room. Maybe I wanted to make him jealous, or maybe I just hadn't had my caffeine yet, but I told him how unenthusiastic I was about going on this date (it was a guy I met online, but xbf thinks I met him at a night club). Then we joked around about it all day. Xbf even suggested where I should go on my date with this new guy and I managed to get in a few light-hearted shots at xbf that we laughed about. For example, I expressed my concern that the only men I seem to attract are liars and he commented on the "nice shot" and laughed. He also gave me pointers about how to duck out of the date if it starts going badly. I gave him another shot when I said "I'll just start talking about marriage. I know from personal experience how that'll scare a man off."

I also expressed my concern about who should pick up the check. I said "I'm a single mom and men traditionally make more money than women, so I think HE should pay, don't you?" This was important because I paid for at least half of mine and xbf's dates, he never once refused my offer to pay, and although it was a major point in my breaking up with him, I never talked to him about it. It felt good to get that point across now, but I'm getting off the point...anyway, so we were back to acting like good ol' chums on Friday. It's amazing how well we get along when we aren't dealing with our relationship. But I was really stung by the fact that he was so cool with me going out with another guy. I even emailed him at one point saying that I hope he doesn't think I'm being insensitive by talking so openly with him about it. He replied "not at all, it's refreshing to be able to talk to you candidly again, in whatever form."

And by the way, the date SUCKED!! He was so obviously wanting to get in my pants that it was pathetic. He even tipped the bartender extra to make the drinks good, ie strong. Ick, what a creep. And he was three inches shorter than me (and I'm 5'6", not that tall), so he totally lied on his profile. Anyway, so xbf called me saturday night to see how the date went. I told him the truth, even though I wanted to lie and say it went great, but I'm so tired with all this crap. He wanted to talk, but I was on my way out the door to meet some friends for dinner. He seemed really disappointed and sad, but also relieved that I had a horrible time on my date, but he didn't call again all weekend. I know that's for the best.

This situation is so disfunctional and wierd. He wants me, but he doesn't. He wants to be single and be my friend, but I really think he was bothered by the fact that I had a date, at least after he stewed about it for a while. He brandishes me for being so nit-picky toward the end of the relationship, yet he apologizes and admits that he was the reason I acted that way. Sometimes I get the feeling that he's playing the martyr. There was a one time he had tears in his eyes and said "if I could give you my arm to show you how much I...I mean, how sorry I am, I would." With that pause, I swear I thought he was going to say "how much I love you" but stopped himself, because he got all wierd and stammered and blushed. Plus, just before that I was telling him how crappy it was that he stopped loving me the way he did, a suspicion of mine that he has yet to openly admit to, so of course I'm thinking that wasn't the case at all and I have it all wrong. He's also told me that if he thought he could make me happy, he would. But other times he seems so stoic, like letting me go is the easiest thing he ever had to do.

Ugh! I just wish he would tell me straight what he wants. If he doesn't want me, fine, but the coward won't even admit it for fear of looking like the bad guy. And if he does want me, he is so busy swimming around in his own issues that he won't admit that, either. He's totally jerking me around and stringing me along and I doubt he even realizes it. He's selfish and cold and has no idea how to treat a woman properly. So why am I wasting my time writing this when I should be sleeping?

Sorry...I just had to vent. Sorry this is so long, but thank you for listening/reading. I feel better now...at least little less angry, but still confused. I hate men. Are they all this screwed up, or did I just get lucky to catch one of the more disturbed samples of the gender?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 9:44am

I think you need to take a break from dating and from talking to your exbf. You must only talk to your xbf about work and nothing else. Take a big chill. Otherwise you are going to end up more confused and very hurt.

Sorry to hear that your date was so disappointing - but this is why you date. I just think you need to get to the point in your emotional state where you do not need to tell your exbf about your dates and you do not compare them to him but you look at the list of what you need.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 10:02am

"Ugh! I just wish he would tell me straight what he wants."

He HAS repeatedly told you what he wants! Or in your case, doesn't want. You are never going to be able to move on while you are in contact with him. I agree with Judy that you should take a break from dating. You are not really in a healthy emotional state right now. BTDT. Stop torturing yourself, have NO contact with him and move on. It is the ONLY way you are going to heal.

You might consider going to counseling/therapy. I went and so have both of my kids. I can't tell you how much it helps to have professional guidance

Stephanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2006
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 8:02pm

Actually, he HASN'T told me anything directly about how he feels or doesn't feel about me. He says he loves me but can't be with me, then he'll say he wants to be single, but also wants to make me happy, but he doesn't think he can. He talks in circles and his actions don't match his words. He has NEVER said he doesn't love me.

The issue isn't that he doesn't want me and I can't accept it. It's that he doesn't know what he wants and he is stringing me along while he tries to figure it out. And since I still love him I'm letting him, but the tone of my message was meant as more of a "whatever, can you believe this guy?" Apparently, it wasn't taken that way.

My post was intended to express frustration about men, and my xbf in general; hence, the eye roll. It was late, I was tired, so apparently it didn't come across as I intended. I just thought it was funny and irritating that he called me to see how my date went. Perhaps I droned on too long...I'm sorry.

I really am handling this okay. I'm dealing, even without professional help, although I know it doesn't come across that way.

The only reason I went on that date was because I agreed to it before I came up with the decision that I wasn't going to date.

I was trying to make a little joke and express something I'm sure a lot of us are dealing with. Whether I'm emotionally healthy or not is not for anyone to decide but me and my therapist.




Edited 8/21/2006 8:06 pm ET by lostbee4
Avatar for jerbear18
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 10:00pm

Lostbee, I don't think anyone was trying to tell you the way you should act, just that your post came across like you still want your EXBF. That is the whole issue, he is your EX, not your present. I think everyone was worried you are still too wound up with you EX and not really moving on.

I can see the humor in your EX calling you, he really hasn't moved from you either and is trying to keep you close until he's comfortable letting you go. I wouldn't be suprised if he doesn't try to set you up with some guy he thinks is perfect for you. Just to see how it fails.

Jer-Queen of dating guy's she worked with and trying to get them to let her go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 8:25am

What you need is a journal.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 3:05pm
I totally got the humor in your message and also empathized with your frustration level. I have an ex who wont give up even though he is the one who said he wanted to end it because he couldnt handle a real relationship. I am currently dating someone else and really loving the new guy and yet my ex thinks he should still be able to leave lewd messages on my machine on occasion if he sees me on the street. I have told him I am dating again and that it is real and we are involved but he doesnt seem to think that should edit his behavior. It is both invasive and infuriating and also comical and ridiculous because it makes no sense. I have had more than one ex that couldnt handle a real future together but had real trouble letting go and watching me move on. This is unreasonable obviously and you may need to be ready to ditch his friendship for a while if it makes it hard for you to heal and move on from your (plural) realtionship that is ended. You need to create a situation where you can be with someone new and in a way that is healthy and feels good. So if that means having no contact with him for a while, it might be worth considering. The alternative looks like torture from certain angles I can tell you!
I have talked to my bf about this and he has an ex that he doesnt talk to because it ended so badly. He suggested I just tell my ex that if he cant respect me enough to back off of memory lane we just wont be able to have contact. No friendship no nothing. I think he is right.