Is he CHEATING???

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Is he CHEATING???
18
Fri, 09-14-2007 - 12:13pm

OMG!!! I'm not sure if my man is sleeping with someone else? I'll tell you how I know or what makes me think this:

He has to take Cialis for his ED problems. I know how many pills he has and I counted 5 on Wednesday morning. Thursday, I went over with my son while he was at work to play with the dog (he gave me keys) and my gut told me to check the "pills" and to my surprise, there were 4. I don't see him Wednesday or Thursday because I have my kids. So, the big question is why did he take the pill? So, this makes me believe he is sleeping with someone else.

Thursday night, I went over to see him and his behavior was odd, he didn't want sex!!! He actually acted weird when I tried to put my hand down his pants. He flinched a bit and that was weird!!! I asked him what was wrong and he said, "can't a man be tired???" We talked and he did sound genuine and sincere about it just being me.

I did sort of confront him about this without telling him I know about the pills and he assured me he wasn't sleeping with anyone else. We actually had a long conversation about it. He was a bit defensive but somehow I do believe him but he says I always put him in a defensive mode, perhaps true, I do. He doesn't give me any other reason to make me believe he is sleeping with someone else. He was home Wednesday night and Thursday night so I know he didn't have anyone over. But man, I'm driving myself crazy because I don't think I counted the pills wrong but at the same time, I can't explain his weird behavior. The questions I ask myself, "could he have really been tired that night?" OR "could I have counted the pills wrong?" I'm going nuts!!! I feel almost obsessive like I have to go to his house and count the pills. HELP!!!

I have this sick gut feeling and I hate feeling like this. It brings back feelings of when my husband left me for another woman!!!

He says everything is just fine with us. Should I confront him about the pills??? I'm pretty sure I counted 5, then 4. OR should I just go a day or two without talking to him? If he is sleeping with someone else, it is not OK and I will not put up with it no matter how much I love him so it would be a deal breaker and I will walk away.

Vanessa

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 09-14-2007 - 12:21pm

Well, if he has ED I would tend to want to think that he was experimenting with the pill and helping himself so to speak. I don't think he would be out pursuing someone new and then having to deal with that! I think that the ED is probably a big deal to him. I dated someone who had ED so I can sort of understand what a pain that is. He has to time the pills and they don't really work all that well. And the man is very embarrassed and frustrated about it.

If it bugs you that much you could mention that you don't see as many pills - and maybe make a joke. Or encourage more discussion about his condition.

I think maybe he rejected you because he didn't want to deal with getting up?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Fri, 09-14-2007 - 12:48pm

You're right, his ED is a BIG deal for him and for a man who can't get it up for his woman, it takes away his manhood.

The thing about Cialis is, it works for 36 hours and it has worked well for us. I started to suspect he may be wanting to experiment for the same reasons you mentioned. I know when he has taken the pill so maybe last night he didn't want me to know either he slept with someone during the day or that he took the pill. His ED isn't that bad but the pill makes it that much better so I KNOW when he has had one. I'm mean we've had some pretty amazing sex with the pill so you're right he may want to experiment. Isn't that gross and sick though??? I get sick to my stomach thinking he may be sleeping with someone else!!!! Deal breaker now matter how you look at it!

I am supportive of his condition and everytime I want to talk about it, he gets defensive and says to me "I guess I can't satisfy you!" He gets upset about it all the time even when I tell him I'm here for him and I want to work through it. Believe me, if I try to joke about his pills, he'll get defensive, that's just him. Talking about his member is a BIG deal!!!

Vanessa
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 09-14-2007 - 1:27pm

You will have to do some digging. I don't think he did that to sleep with someone else - I meant to get himself off. Or for curiousity? Maybe I am naive. Is there anything else about him - other strange habits or a history of cheating? Did you two claim to be exclusive?

Maybe the extra pill is on the floor or he put one in his wallet?

Hopefully in time it settles in - you are lucky that the pill works so well. In the case of the guy I was seeing the pill did not work -but he had prostate surgery so that is probably different.

As I said if it really bothers you, you can make a joke - like there are pills missing - are you having fun when I am not here? Or do you just want to stay "up" all day?

In a way that is sort of funny - that you can count pills. What a touchy subject - good luck and keep us posted! I guess this is one to add to the over 40 dating file - LOL!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Fri, 09-14-2007 - 2:54pm

I'm trying not to drive myself crazy. I am sure there were 5 pills then 4. They come in the foil pack, the ones you have to punch out so I'm positive, it didn't fall out. Who did he use it with? He really doesn't give me any reason to "suspect" him cheating. I mean this man has so much on his plate it's not funny! And no I'm positive he didn't use it on himself. It's not that he can't get hard without the pill, he can, he just can't maintain it, well only when he's standing up.

Many questions I have, one being, how can I recover from something like this? Even though I saw him last night, and he told me everything was OK with us and that I need to just chill, I still have this sick gut feeling. I'm not 100% sure, he slept with someone else so I can't go psycho on him and accuse him and then break-up with out all the facts. I have this cloud of suspicion over him and it's hard to get rid of. Yet, there aren't many facts and maybe I'm just

Yes, we are exclusive, and there was a history of cheating with him. I think he is a reformed cheater. Even cheaters deserve a second chance. I believe we all learn from our mistakes and if he has, then he's worth it. With his first wife, he cheated on her with his now second ex wife.

I think I have to let this one go and then if there is a next time, I'll confront him and take it from there. Oh, so hard to do!!!

Vanessa
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Fri, 09-14-2007 - 3:07pm

I haven't read ahead, but WHY are you counting the pills in the first place??


My way of thinking is that unless he specifically has done something to you to make you not trust him, you simply must.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Fri, 09-14-2007 - 3:08pm

I wonder how much this would bother you if your Ex hadn't cheated on you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Fri, 09-14-2007 - 8:35pm

You are absolutely right, why am I counting the pills in the first place? Well, to answer you, I had this gut feeling that he may want to experiment with the pill since it works wonders with us, he may want to try it with someone else. I figure, he must have a new sense of freedom with these pills and therefore would want to see what it would be like to sleep with someone else??? Does this make sense?

I knew by checking on him I would potentially be setting myself up for unnecessary stress!!! So here I am, all stressed out, thinking the worst and yes, I do have trust issues. Not in this relationship but in most of them. My ex-husband left me for another woman and I was too blind to see the signs until it was too late. I guess in a sense, I don't want that to happen again so I am more aware of things but I think I may have gone overboard.

A few things I am sure about - I did not miscount the pills, there were 5 then 4 and he didn't use them with me because I wasn't with him on those days. I thought his behavior "was a bit odd when I went to see him Thursday night. Yes, it was possible he was tired but it really seemed too much of a coincidence that I suspected him of using the pill on another woman and him not eager to have sex. He flinched as I tried to put my hand down his pants - weird!!!

We had a nice long talk, he was pretty defensive and honestly, he doesn't give me any reason to think he would cheat but the question remains, what happened to the pill??? I'm not sure if I can recover from this - seriously!!! I felt he was sincere and telling me the truth, after all I did call him in the middle of the day while he was at work to ask him, "are you sleeping with someone else?" If he did and he's pretty good at covering it up, wouldn't he feel guilty? If he didn't, I'm sure I came off as pretty damn insecure!!! Right now, I'm still pretty confused, I'm not sure what to do. I think I come up with conclusions all on my own and overreact.

I apologized to him in an e-mail and this is what he had to say:

"Yes, it's all about looking to the future with confidence and optimism and living life to the fullest and controlling what you can control and not let others dictate your emotions - we can only control ourselves and we all hold the key to happiness. And for all of this - count me in! :)"

"Yes, its all about communication and dialog and free flow and enjoying the moment and while planning is a good thing, dwelling on things usually is not good."

It seems a bit vague and it doesn't answer my questions. I think it's a generalization of "life" and it has nothing to do with our relationship. I know I can't continue to treat him as if he has done something wrong because it will kill our relationship but I'm also not sure if I could recover from this.

Moody, what you say in your response makes sense, thank you for your valuable input!!!

-Vanessa

Vanessa
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Fri, 09-14-2007 - 9:15pm

This is way out there but....


Maybe he gave the missing pill to a male friend of his because he thought his friend might like to try it with his friend's ladyfriend.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Fri, 09-14-2007 - 9:24pm

Unlikely, but thanks anyways.

My gut feeling is he is probably not cheating but the question remains - What happened to the pill???

-Vanessa

Vanessa
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 09-14-2007 - 9:30pm

Ugh, This is a hard one.

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