Is he CHEATING???
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| Fri, 09-14-2007 - 12:13pm |
OMG!!! I'm not sure if my man is sleeping with someone else? I'll tell you how I know or what makes me think this:
He has to take Cialis for his ED problems. I know how many pills he has and I counted 5 on Wednesday morning. Thursday, I went over with my son while he was at work to play with the dog (he gave me keys) and my gut told me to check the "pills" and to my surprise, there were 4. I don't see him Wednesday or Thursday because I have my kids. So, the big question is why did he take the pill? So, this makes me believe he is sleeping with someone else.
Thursday night, I went over to see him and his behavior was odd, he didn't want sex!!! He actually acted weird when I tried to put my hand down his pants. He flinched a bit and that was weird!!! I asked him what was wrong and he said, "can't a man be tired???" We talked and he did sound genuine and sincere about it just being me.
I did sort of confront him about this without telling him I know about the pills and he assured me he wasn't sleeping with anyone else. We actually had a long conversation about it. He was a bit defensive but somehow I do believe him but he says I always put him in a defensive mode, perhaps true, I do. He doesn't give me any other reason to make me believe he is sleeping with someone else. He was home Wednesday night and Thursday night so I know he didn't have anyone over. But man, I'm driving myself crazy because I don't think I counted the pills wrong but at the same time, I can't explain his weird behavior. The questions I ask myself, "could he have really been tired that night?" OR "could I have counted the pills wrong?" I'm going nuts!!! I feel almost obsessive like I have to go to his house and count the pills. HELP!!!
I have this sick gut feeling and I hate feeling like this. It brings back feelings of when my husband left me for another woman!!!
He says everything is just fine with us. Should I confront him about the pills??? I'm pretty sure I counted 5, then 4. OR should I just go a day or two without talking to him? If he is sleeping with someone else, it is not OK and I will not put up with it no matter how much I love him so it would be a deal breaker and I will walk away.

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Hi,
I've done some talking on the phone with girl friends but the difference with this board and my girlfriends is you all here are experienced with divorce and dating.
I do believe cheaters can change. There are reformed cheaters out there - I believe he's learned from his mistakes and believe me he's paying back right now with his second ex-wife as she is the one whom he left the first one for. She is divorcing him and she's going to get so much $$$ from him, it's not even funny!!! It's payback and we all payback sometime or another.
I shouldn't have done the snooping but now that it's done, you're right, I can't help but check on his pills all the time. See, with all you ladies have said here, most of you don't think he's really cheating and in some ways, it validates what he is telling me - that he is not sleeping with anyone but me. I have to sleep on this as it will drive me insane. I also realize that if I keep accusing him of stuff, it will one day happen. In a sense, I would have done it to myself. I would be driving him away with my psycho attitude.
After I went to his house on Thursday during the day (he gave me keys), I almost gave myself a heart attack. Maybe I did this all to myself? But I was sure a pill was missing!!! The question remains - where did the pill go? And was it my imagination?
We had a conversation and I sort of believe him - really. He doesn't really give me any reason to suspect him except for me snooping around to find a pill missing. He's plenty busy with work, juggling his kids, his ex, and me so I really doubt he would add someone else to his plate. Oh this is so hard. I guess all I can do is let it go for now, not saying I've forgotten but I'll see how he behaves and if it happens again, I'll make my decision then. It's kind of hard to forget this happened and I'm not sure if I'll ever be the same.
You're right, this may be a deal breaker with him that I snooped. He's trusted me with his house and his dog by giving me his key. I've sort of abused my privileges don't you think? This is a hard situation as I don't want him to know I've been snooping but I do want answers.
I've been dating this guy for 10 months and I've posted about him before. He lives about 10 minutes away and he adores my kids and my kids absolutely love him!!!
I think there is MORE likelihood of a miscount or an experiment with the pills to play with himself than there is a full fledged affair or sex with someone else based on all you say and all that is on his plate and the time span of just one day. How many times have any of us thought we had something or thought we knew where something was and then it wasn't that way or where we thought it to be?
In my opinion, you are smart to keep quiet for now based on what you say, since he was home both nights, and he seems into you. I am not sure what the flinching was - that would disturb me - but he does have ED so maybe it had something to do with that?
You have to deal with your own demon and get over it. Because where do you draw the line on suspecting someone of cheating again? If you want you can really become paranoid in your own head from everything you see and hear. And if you put all your energy on worrying about that instead of going forward and having faith that it can be real good then you sabotage yourself. I do sympathize with you that is NOT EASY. I know that would always be in the back of my mind.
What I would want to see is that he remains "into you" and wants to see you on a consistent basis and push the relationship forward. Be part of the reason for that and let that be your barometer.
Perhaps you could talk to him more about the condition (ED) that he has and how the pills have changed his life and how he feels about them. I think I would worry that he is not divorced yet and he is in the middle of his second divorce. You do have to listen to your gut. But you do have to be able to separate what is a ghost from the past that rattles your chain versus what is really in front of you. Time will tell you. Perhaps this is a blessing to keep you careful until he gets everything in his life sorted out?
Edited 9/15/2007 1:43 pm ET by cl-west1745
I think I may have put thoughts into my own head and then made my own conclusions. With that said, I made myself crazy into thinking he was sleeping with someone else. From this board, none of you ladies suspect he is really cheating so he probably isn't and I am the one who overreacted. I put things into my own head and therefore drove myself crazy. It isn't easy for me to move forward with this but I have to let it go and take what he says to me as face value. He recognizes I have issues and in my opinion, I feel, he is willing to still stay with me - a good sign. It will be clear if he is still "into me" as we move forward and if the signs aren't there, I need to assess it and then move on without him.
I do have to work on my own demons or else I will drive everyone away plus it's not healthy for me.
This board has been great, it's almost a life saver because here, the ladies have been through it and have lots of experience, and here we can get really good advice!!! Honest opinion, advice based on experience. Thank you!!!
Something made you check the pills- sure you want to brush that off so easily?
Hi!
For the last few days, I have been driving myself crazy. Although, it's not that bad any more, I still have my concerns.
I feel this is a safe space for me to share some of my feelings and thought. I'm not sure what happened with your ex-husband but mine cheated on me and when it was too late, I was too blind to notice all the signs. Anyways, I found myself feeling exactly how I did when I found out my ex-h cheated on me. I couldn't sleep, I found myself thinking about it constantly to the point where I thought I was crazy!!! Last night, I had a hard time sleeping and I felt SICK!!! My heart felt like it was popping out of my chest!!! Then I thought, OK, maybe I'm wrong and what if I am??? I would have done this to myself. I told myself, I NEVER want to feel that pain again and here I am and maybe it's self inflicted???
I did something silly tonight - He was having dinner at his parent's tonight and I have a
key to his place so I drove over there and checked the medicine cabinet to count the pills, there were still 4 so that took some weight off my shoulders. See, I have almost become obsessed with checking the pills now that I've done so. What if he didn't sleep with someone else? I would have sabotaged the relationship. To be honest, still have thought floating around in my head like "Oh my god, what if he's going to bring someone over tonight and he hasn't taken the pill yet?" Then that brings me back to being obsessive to counting the pills. My kids and I are going over tomorrow (Sunday) to hang out with him and I'm going to want to sneak into his medicine cabinet. Sh*t!!! I'm driving myself crazy with my life revolving around the pill??? I've said this in other postings - I'm not sure if I'll ever be the same or if I can recover from this!
To answer your questions - Did he give me any explanation to brushing my hand away other than he was just tired? No, not really. He said "can't we just relax? I told you I was tired tonight before you even came over!" That night when I left, I felt sick to my stomach thinking he must have slept with someone else, hence, the missing pill and not wanting to have sex with me. Definitely a first and very unusual. What do you think about this?
I really don't want to dwell on this as it may be just a mistake but is it really??? All I can do see what the future holds - if he's still "into me." If he is always out of character, something is up and I'll have to walk away.
On his 2nd wife, they've been together for 9 years and she was a stay-at-home mom for all of those years. He makes lots of $$$ so even if she gets half, he'll still have plenty. Not happy with dishing out half of what he earned while they were together but it's fair at least in the State of California.
We've had our share of ups and downs ALREADY and I think it has a lot to do with the amount of baggage we each bring to the relationship but it just seems that it is much harder to get all our ducks in a row. Is it suppose to be that hard? You ladies seem to have a positive out look when relationships end. I'll be truthful, I'm hoping and praying that if I stick around long enough it will all be worth it? Is that true? I'm scared to go out onto the dating scene again. I really want this relationship to work out!!!
Yes, I'm a little bit crazy if you haven't mentioned it already. How did I get to this place?
Hugs, Vanessa!!!
I agree with the others that it's too soon to clearly be able to say that he is cheating. Only time will tell on that one- so keep your eyes open for signs. But that said... don't go DIGGING for signs where there might not be one!
I do fear for your relationship that your lack of trust on this infidelity issue might have already ended it, even though you guys haven't ended anything at this point. You have your past, of being cheated on to bring to the table. And you know of HIS past of cheating (with ex-wife #1 & 2) that adds to the baggage buffet. It surely doesn't help, to have those 2 things sitting right there!
But I agree that you shouldn't drive yourself nuts or make yourself sick being suspicious and spying on him. Going into his apartment to count the pills again, and planning to count them yet again once you visit today... it's pretty obvious that trust has already gone out the window. Whether you and your relationship can survive this? I don't know. What will be HIS reaction to your tracking/counting his pills? He will know for sure that you simply don't trust him and that will be bad- whether he knows it is YOUR issue more than it seems to be HIS issue at the time being, and doesn't end up defensive about it when he doesn't need to be... it just seems like he won't be able to react in ANY way other than feeling bad knowing that you don't trust him.
This is tough. How do any of us really know when our "spidey sense" has gone off the charts because our gut is correct about the other person? Or if it's just going off the charts on something WE have in our own baggage?? That is surely a tough one.
As for why you are so 'insane' over this issue- I think it's because deep down, you haven't actually healed or sorted out your thoughts and feelings about being cheated on in your past. You just think that because it's happened before, that it WILL happen again. So it doesn't help matters that you are with someone who HAS a history of cheating in his past. But you DO have to try to get past the past (so to speak) and not allow those things to taint what you currently have. Until you REALLY see some evidence that he IS seeing someone else... try to back off on all this and not keep sabotaging it by investigating and spying on him. Easier said than done, I know- so ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))) on it all. I do think counseling on your part would help you to get past this fear of being cheated on. If it wasn't him you were dating, it might be the next guy (or some other guy)- and you could be just as stressed over HIS cheating- even if he is not. Somehow you have to get to the point where you know you will be okay even if you DO find out he's cheating- and know that you won't be devastated or blaming yourself for it. I'm not saying he IS cheating... but even if he is- you have to know it's not because you CAUSED it.
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
Hi Vanessa,
First off ....{{{{{hugs}}}}}} for feeling the way this situation has made you feel. By nature, I am not the most trusting soul and if that situation happened to me I would be pulling my hair out wondering "what it."
This might sound crazy but the way I see it there is only one thing you can do to try and get the question answered about where the pill went. That would be to have a very honest conversation with him, telling him the truth.
I was cheated on too..and its hard to get to trust others..but if you find an amazing enough guy..its totally easy once they earn your trust :) {{hugs}} hope its nothing!
if you notice my siggy changes often..its because I have a rotator! youre not going crazy ;) lol
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