Is he embarassed to be with me????

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Is he embarassed to be with me????
10
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 2:46pm

Hi Ladies,

I've been dating this guy for over 6 months now and my intuition is telling me something is not right. Am I over reacting? Here are some things I have noticed over the months:

1.) When we are in public he seems to be on the look out all the time. We went to watch the SF Giant's play last month and not once did he hold my hand or put his arm around me (not like him) while walking to the ballpark walking fast and it seemed to me he kept looking around paranoid he would run into someone he knew and hence would have to introduce me. Same goes for the Warriors game just 2 weeks ago. He was so no affectionate at this game and it really bothered me. I'm not expecting PDA or anything but a simple hand holding or a kiss on the cheek - none!!!

2.) When we are alone togehter he IS not the same person. He is very affectionate. In fact, when we take his dog out to Fort Funston (A local dog hang out) he holds my hand and even kisses me. I think he knows at FF he won't run into anyone he knows and it's a safe space for us to be together. Ok, this definately bothers me. My point is, there are certain places that are "safe" and he won't really worry about running into anyone.

3.) He mentions me meeting his kids (11 and 14) and then never brings it up again. I'm sensing he brings it up to dangle the bait and I'll still be interested.

4.) The thought of meeting my family scared the crap out of him. Well, everytime I ask, he makes up an excuse or just doesn't give me an answer. I'm not even asking him to meet my parents or anything. An example, my sister's friend was having a b-day party for her daughther and I thought it would be a good idea for him to join me but nope, I don't get an answer and of course, he doesn't attend. Then he freaked out when I asked if I could pick up my kids from my sister's before I take him to the airport since it was on the way. He made up some excuse saying it would be too much trouble to put the carseats in the car and he didn't want to have the kids and didn't want to get fired up before his overseas trip.

Ladies, what do you think? I really want to confront him but I'm afraid he'll think I'm overreacting. There is a reason why I feel this way and I'm NOT just CRAZY right? I really like this guy but he has me on this emotional roller coaster. Why would I want to be with someone who isn't proud to call me his girlfriend, or is constantly on the look out in case he'll run into his ex-wife or one of her family members right? My gut is telling me to end this but as some of you might know, it's not that easy. I've grown attached to this man and starting over would be hard. What's his DEAL??? Someone please knock some sense into me!!!

-Vanessa

Vanessa
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 4:13pm
Are you sure he is single?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 6:35pm

Who cares what HIS deal is- what's YOURS?

I'm not sure if you read the previous post about what to look for in a guy- but this bozo is definitely not the same when you're together alone as when you're out in public.

Which one is the real him? It doesn't matter- he's not reliable, not steady, and certainly not proud of you.

As for meeting everyone- if I had been exclusive with someone for six months and we hadn't met each others' children, I certainly wouldn't be taking him to the airport! I might buy him a one way ticket to GoodByeVille, but he wouldn't be receiving any favors from me- especially if he threw a fit about it while I was going out of my way to be helpful.

After six months- HALF a year- you should not be on a roller coaster- you should be happy and cruising along on a paddle boat.

I'm not sure I'd think he was ashamed of me- I'd probably be thinking he was afraid of running into his OTHER girlfriend. Or someone who knows he has one. But, that's me and I've been called cynical before.

In any case, my advice is to drop this guy like a hot potato and find someone who acts happy to be with you no matter where you are- someone who is consistent and steady and doesn't make you feel like you're crazy.

Moody, as sane as is reasonable


Powered by CGISpy.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 8:12pm

Hi Moody!

Thanks for your input on this. So, I'm not crazy for feeling like he's paranoid when we're out right? I wouldn't be feeling like this for no reason and my gut is telling me that something doesn't feel right. Is this emotional roller coaster feeling because of him or is it just my own insecurities?

Should I even have a talk with him or just say I've had it with all of this? Ok, maybe I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt so maybe he doesn't know he's behaving oddly??? Does this make sense? I feel I'm at a crossroads.

Vanessa
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 8:18pm

Hi CL,

Does my post really say something is not right with this guy? Or is it just me??? This emotional roller coaster is not good for me. Yes, I'm sure he's single. See, that's the thing, I'm sure he's not seeing anyone else so should I stay with this guy and have a nice serious talk with him or just drop him? Of course this is much easier said than done. He's grown on me but then again, I have listen to my serious side....why be with someone who isn't proud to be with me??? Should I give him the benefit of the doubt and rationalize why I haven't met his kids or why he's scared to be in public with me? I don't know what to do!!!

-V

Vanessa
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 8:31pm

"Should I give him the benefit of the doubt and rationalize why I haven't met his kids or why he's scared to be in public with me?"


Ok- here you're assuming that he's scared/ embarrassed to be seen with you- unless he's told you that straight out= do not assume!


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 9:04pm

I got the note you posted to me in that "Great Guy" article thread- thanks!

I just have to ask you though... if he is falling short on more than half of those (or whatever number he is missing on)- then why would you want to hang on to him? I know you said you have 6 months' time invested in him... but why keep investing in something that is leaving you feeling so uncherished and questioning yourself? Are his actions leaving you feeling less than how you feel you should? Or does his presence in your life make you feel warm and loved? You shouldn't be wanting to keep him around if he isn't making your life better.

Like Dr. Phil always says, "The only thing worse than staying in a miserable relationship for a year (or 6 months or whatever time frame), is staying in a miserable relationship for a year and a day."

My gut says that he has found someone new and is scared to get caught with you. You said you're sure he is single- but how do you REALLY know? His actions are not saying he is. His actions are screaming 'two-timing' to me. I'd say to go ahead to confront him. SO WHAT if he thinks you're overreacting? If he really cared for you, he would be more concerned that you are being led to feel less than cherished by him. If his reaction is defensive, then you'll already have your answer. Even if he isn't seeing someone else- if his reaction to a concern of yours is to get upset at you, then he isn't a prize to keep anyway, IMO.

~shrimpy, soooo not settling for less than Great ever again

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 9:09pm

I don't know - for some reason it just sounded like he was married and afraid of getting caught?

But at any rate, just because you don't think he is seeing someone else does NOT mean you should stay with him.

I would explain how his actions make you feel. Make sure you say, "I feel unwanted or rejected by you when we are out in public. It is different for me when we are alone versus out." Try not to put him on the defensive by accusing him of how he acts - focus on how his actions make you feel.

I am not sure why he acts like that. But you are obviously hurt and upset by this relationship instead of feeling happy and secure. And that is not good for you. I think you have to make your feelings known and then make a decision. Does he really care that his behavior is causing you pain and will he have a good explanation as to why and try to fix it?

Don't be afraid to make a break if needed. There is definitely an issue here that needs to be uncovered and dealt with and you deserve to feel better about things - either with him or someone else.

Good luck! And let us know how it goes!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 10:00pm

Thank you Shrimpy!!! You are awesome!!! When my gut is telling me something, I kind of put it aside and ignore it and tell myself, no way. I am in the process of sending him a very well put together e-mail on this subject(yeah, we often e-mail, another bad sign?). It's hard letting go you know?

-V

Vanessa
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 10:07pm

Hi!

I love what this message board has to offer. It provides me with the support from you single mothers out there in the big, scary world of dating!!! We are all in the process of finding love and the difficulties that it brings. I do feel good when I hear from other ladies!!!

I am in the process of putting together a well writen e-mail on how I feel about this (it's often difficult to see each other due to different schedules with our kids) so e-mail is the way to go, although not the best way.

-V

Vanessa
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 05-26-2007 - 6:26am

Well, it could be one of those things you write and edit and write for a week but don't send. I think you should bring it up in conversation even if it is on the phone. But in person is better because you can see his facial expressions and see his reaction to what you are saying.

How long has he been divorced?

Your story reminds me of a man I dated that was supposedly divorced. He always held me at arms length - we would get close and he would pull back. I never met anyone in his life. And he ended up back with his exwife. Only I don't think they were divorced even though he said he was for 3 years. I think they were really separated and ended up back together. This is the dope who still sends a birthday card to me 6 years later - with no return address. Although I can look him up online - maybe next year I should return it?

Remember, it is not YOU or about anything wrong with you if it doesn't work. It is always a matter of the timing and situations being right and you being right for each other. It is a matching process. It is not about you personally or a score of good or bad on your part.

Keep us posted!