He is gone
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| Fri, 03-14-2008 - 11:13am |
Well, he is gone. (see my previous posts about my toxic relationship)
Last night he started talking to me and I told him how lonely and hurt I felt and how I just didn't have the strength to be in this anymore. At first he hugged me and said he was so sorry for hurting me and that he wished he was a better man, and could be the partner that I deserve.
Then he said he is "better off alone" because he is "selfish and unwilling to compromise" and "hates children" and just finds it "grating on his nerves" to be around small children.
He sat their like a robot while I cried and cried. I asked him how he could do all of the things he did and he said he "thought he could do it" but couldn't be a good partner and doesn'thave what it takes to be in a relationship.
He also said "Shutting down my emotions is what I do when things get hard." And that "giving me his love only results in bad things".
I said "Half of me wants to hug you because I feel sorry for you and the other half wants to choke you in your sleep." Then I started laughing and said "That was a joke" and I hugged him b/c (as I told him) "I am releasing all the love I had into you and you can keep it b/c I don't need it anymore". I felt an overwhelming sense of relief.
He said he would pay the next 2 months rent. Then he got up and said he was leaving right then. I asked him not to, just so my son didn't wake up to find him gone. Stupid move b/c he doesn't care about my son anyway.
Get this............he said he felt "uncomfortable" because I had threatened to choke him!! I said he was being ridiculous b/c it was a joke and I've never hurt anyone in my life and he wasn't worth it anyway!! He said "Well, I probably deserve it." I said, "Yes, you do..but I'll let someone else do the killin'. I'm not that person. I won't let you break my spirit and cause me to stop sharing my love. I will forgive you and just move on."
So I asked him to give me his key to our place...he refused. I blocked the door and said "Do you think I have any reason to trust you with my housekey?" He pushed me out of the way.
He promised to call before coming over to get his things and that he would return the key THEN. (control, control, control)
So I let my landlord know that he was gone and I needed to sign a new lease and change the locks.
Now I am FREAKING out b/c I don't have a job and he left us with no $$ and even though he SAYS he will pay the rent...I can only hope and pray that he will. I begged him to "do the right thing and keep his word". He said "It's the least I can do after all the pain I've caused you".
Please say a prayer that he will do so.
So I had to look at my son this morning and explain where Jacob had gone and why. I just gently told him that sometimes people can't honor their commitments; and that no matter how much we care about them they just don't respect us...but that it wasn't our fault and we should just wish him well. I then said, 'Just think...one day we'll get to find a NEW boyfriend!" He gave me his "list" of requirements for a new boyfriend; made a sign that says "We want a new boyfriend" and stuck it in the window.
What a little sweetheart.
How do I let go of the guilt I feel for allowing Jacob to hurt my son? Is there more that I need to say to my son?
Thank you for all of your support.

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(((HUGS)))
My son is 6 and though he is hurting too he is such a big hearted boy and so sweet. He said "Don't cry Mommy. It's okay".
I don't have any family. No parents or siblings or anything. It's just me and my son. I'm really scared.
I've had to quit 3 jobs over the last year (part time stuff) b/c my bf wouldn't be a backup to me and I couldn't work odd hours. I'm a computer nerd and a lot of full time jobs are weird shifts.
Anyway, my son's father is due back from Iraq in a week and we always co-parent and back each other up so it will get better. The job market here is so bad though..there just isn't a lot out there.
I'm so scared. We've got $63 in our pockets. I got the food stamp app and will do whatever I have to in order to see that my son is taken care of. I'm just so scared.
Deep down I know I'll make it b/c I am resillient and strong, and this isn't the first time I've had to buck up. But I just feel a mess at the moment. I think I'll allow myself one day to feel that way and then put it away.
It's too bad he couldn't tell you how much he disliked kids before you moved in--at least now you can move on.
April
Im sorry to read it as well. I am happy that you ended a toxic relationship. I know the empowerment that I felt was quickly diminished by my freak outs (pretty much same as you on the financial end) But I was able to move out and into my moms for a short period. What state are you in? I know that there are a number of organizations in my state that are 'emergency' assistance for single moms they also have job programs with dept of labor with childcare options. I dont want to throw alot at you but just know you made the right decision and you son clearly thinks youre the bees knees so it will be bumpy at first but hang in there it will smooth out! There are options for you...
((((HUGS)))) so proud of you for standing strong
M
Thanks everyone.
I have a good resume and I used to make a nice salary, but the jobs here have just gotten less and less. I live in NW Arkansas (which isn't a huge area). But I am going to take anything I can get that will pay the bills.
I feel this strange mix of relief/empowerment/sadness/freaking out. Maybe I need a trip to the mecca (Starbucks).
:)
Do you have to stay where you are? Can you look at the monster.com board and find a really good job - maybe near family and friends? Maybe this is an opportunity for a whole new and great start?!
Sorry to hear it ended this way - but now you don't have to put up with someone who only wants half of you. You sound strong and you did make a good decision. Good luck and keep us posted - you will pull through - we all do when we have to. And you know what? Tomorrow is always a new day and you never know what it is going to turn up!!
I am truly sorry you are going through this! Can you contact some of the local churches for help? What social services are available through the state,county or Dept. of Human Services? You should qualify for Medicaid, food stamps and possibly some sort of temporary financial aid.
Stephanie
http://www.arkansas.gov/dhs/homepage.html
Edited 3/14/2008 12:18 pm ET by texas_mom1991
Yes, I have contacted some local churches and printed out the food stamp application.
I know I will make it.
Moving isn't an option because my ex (who is due back from Iraq in days) and I share custody. He's a GREAT father and we co-parent really well. It will take some of the pressure off and allow me to work whatever jobs I have to, in order to survive.
Mitsi version 2.0
:)
I used to do this for extra income and so do a couple of my friends who are single Moms. It is easy money and kinda fun! You know the demo ladies you see in Walmart and Target? Uh, they get paid around $17 an hour to pass out samples!
https://www.stayingconnected.com/main.jsp
Steph
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