He is gone
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| Fri, 03-14-2008 - 11:13am |
Well, he is gone. (see my previous posts about my toxic relationship)
Last night he started talking to me and I told him how lonely and hurt I felt and how I just didn't have the strength to be in this anymore. At first he hugged me and said he was so sorry for hurting me and that he wished he was a better man, and could be the partner that I deserve.
Then he said he is "better off alone" because he is "selfish and unwilling to compromise" and "hates children" and just finds it "grating on his nerves" to be around small children.
He sat their like a robot while I cried and cried. I asked him how he could do all of the things he did and he said he "thought he could do it" but couldn't be a good partner and doesn'thave what it takes to be in a relationship.
He also said "Shutting down my emotions is what I do when things get hard." And that "giving me his love only results in bad things".
I said "Half of me wants to hug you because I feel sorry for you and the other half wants to choke you in your sleep." Then I started laughing and said "That was a joke" and I hugged him b/c (as I told him) "I am releasing all the love I had into you and you can keep it b/c I don't need it anymore". I felt an overwhelming sense of relief.
He said he would pay the next 2 months rent. Then he got up and said he was leaving right then. I asked him not to, just so my son didn't wake up to find him gone. Stupid move b/c he doesn't care about my son anyway.
Get this............he said he felt "uncomfortable" because I had threatened to choke him!! I said he was being ridiculous b/c it was a joke and I've never hurt anyone in my life and he wasn't worth it anyway!! He said "Well, I probably deserve it." I said, "Yes, you do..but I'll let someone else do the killin'. I'm not that person. I won't let you break my spirit and cause me to stop sharing my love. I will forgive you and just move on."
So I asked him to give me his key to our place...he refused. I blocked the door and said "Do you think I have any reason to trust you with my housekey?" He pushed me out of the way.
He promised to call before coming over to get his things and that he would return the key THEN. (control, control, control)
So I let my landlord know that he was gone and I needed to sign a new lease and change the locks.
Now I am FREAKING out b/c I don't have a job and he left us with no $$ and even though he SAYS he will pay the rent...I can only hope and pray that he will. I begged him to "do the right thing and keep his word". He said "It's the least I can do after all the pain I've caused you".
Please say a prayer that he will do so.
So I had to look at my son this morning and explain where Jacob had gone and why. I just gently told him that sometimes people can't honor their commitments; and that no matter how much we care about them they just don't respect us...but that it wasn't our fault and we should just wish him well. I then said, 'Just think...one day we'll get to find a NEW boyfriend!" He gave me his "list" of requirements for a new boyfriend; made a sign that says "We want a new boyfriend" and stuck it in the window.
What a little sweetheart.
How do I let go of the guilt I feel for allowing Jacob to hurt my son? Is there more that I need to say to my son?
Thank you for all of your support.

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Another idea.
Thanks for this information--I am always strapped for cash and have a really hard time finding a very flexible part time job.
April
Steph
I hadn't thought of that!
April
Couldn't your X help out for a month of rent? I know they get bonuses for being in Iraq. I doubt he had any place to spend it. If he's back in a week, I am sure he can help.
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