He has kids, I don't. HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2008
He has kids, I don't. HELP!
24
Sat, 03-22-2008 - 11:21pm

Not sure if this is the right place to post this, but I figured you mothers out there could give me some good advice.


I've been dating a guy for a little while and he has two daughters, ages 10 and 12.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Sat, 03-22-2008 - 11:30pm
I think it is great that you are putting time into thinking this through. It must have been so hard on them to lose their Mom and you are great to be sensitive to that.
I personally would not bring gifts to meet them for the first time because I think it comes off as wanting too much from them too soon but maybe others will think differently. I would however treat them to something while on an outing if they wanted it and it was reasonable. Something spontaneous like that can just be a nice gesture in the end with no pressure attached.
I hope it goes well!!
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 03-22-2008 - 11:43pm

I agree with city - give them your eyes and ears - listen to them and just sit back and let them take the lead. Don't overdo it and don't take what they say or do personally - keep it light.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2008
Sat, 03-22-2008 - 11:54pm
Thank you for the advice ladies.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Sun, 03-23-2008 - 12:26am

I agree with the other comments too- but I also wonder how long you and he have been dating? And are you guys serious? As in exclusively dating, looking towards marriage or something more permanent?


A

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2008
Sun, 03-23-2008 - 12:49am

Shrimpy, You pinpointed a lot of my concerns.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 03-23-2008 - 12:56am

I believe we all have a say in each relationship. You certainly can assert what you want (or don't want) with him. In fact, I believe that is essential in any relationship whether at the first meeting or in a marriage and everytime in between. Just because he wants you to meet his children does not mean you have to if you are not comfortable with it.

When you say he hasn't given you lot of choice, does that mean you either agree or he stops dating you? I believe you can still open up a dialog with him on your concerns, questioning the wisdom of his wanting to put the cart before the horse, etc. This would be telling in how he is able to listen, negotiate, and communicate on "hard" subjects.

Mark





We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb







iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Sun, 03-23-2008 - 1:02am
No wonder one of his kids is upset. This latest post changes things for me. I dont see the point of meeting his kids if you guys arent exclusive really. Being exclusive isnt a marriage or having a joint checking account. Being exclusive means you see something worth pursuing in each other and you plural that warrants calling off dating other people until you know for sure whether "this might be it". Even if you do get along with his kids on this trial family outing, it doesnt mean it will ever work in the longterm. It is hard on kids to be witnessing auditions with women I bet and it makes them wonder what his intentions are. It sounds like he has some personal work to do before he can commit again to anyone and he is pinning it on whether his potential dates are ready or worthy of his family first or instead. Why should you run the risk of falling for the feeling of being a family together if he isnt even willing to stop dating other people? I wouldnt move forward with this at this point...I dont mean to sound harsh AT ALL but I dont think it is in anyone's best interest.....How long HAVE you been dating exactly?
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2008
Sun, 03-23-2008 - 1:15am

City and Mark - You both bring up very good points.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
Sun, 03-23-2008 - 3:33am

IMO it is not possible to see how it will go from the first interaction, there is a he.. of a lot more to figure out if it matches, besides whether you can handle the kids, and vice versa - and I have dated a widower and almost married him, and the reasons I didnt had little to do with him being a widower or his daughter who was a minefield it turned out.

Sure meet them, satisfy this side of things for him, the only thing it may clarify for you is if you like his kids and can tolerate them, and vice versa for them, it does not deal with all the emotions involved

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 03-23-2008 - 7:44am

Now I see your concerns as I read further into the post.

I think you should make him wait until you want to be exclusive. And dinner is way too formal. To me, it would be better if you happened along by accident on something he and the girls were already doing and keep it quick and simple. That is better for everyone's nerves and much better on his children. I don't agree with his thinking - but I don't think any of us can change it and it appears he does have their best interests at heart in that he doesn't want someone who won't get along with them - he just doesn't have a clue about dating!!!!

How long ago did his wife pass?

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