He has kids, I don't. HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2008
He has kids, I don't. HELP!
24
Sat, 03-22-2008 - 11:21pm

Not sure if this is the right place to post this, but I figured you mothers out there could give me some good advice.


I've been dating a guy for a little while and he has two daughters, ages 10 and 12.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 03-23-2008 - 7:52am

"I am the one who has not yet decided if this is a relationship" - then I see NO reason to expose the kids to yet another woman in thier lives. I think he is being a bit selfish & stubborn. Yes, i DO see that if his kids are important, he wouldnt want a woman in his life to become very close to him, if he found she hates his kids ... but yet, you have made it CLEAR to him y ou havent decided you are even IN this for the long haul. Why the heck would he be intorducing the kids to you. ESPECIALLY when their mom passed away!!!???

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 03-23-2008 - 8:55am

Good point, rlch - and this comes from you who just lost your mom so that means a lot. Boy am I glad we have so many different posters here - it always helps to have so many perspectives and some from those who have been in similar situations.

Plus the poor kids - I was just thinking about that as I was putting the dishes away. Imagine losing your mom and then watching your dad parade about her replacement - it would make me very very sad. No wonder the girls don't like anyone. And the whole OLD/Match/dating scene these days is difficult at best for all of us. It is hard to find a match with a mutual attraction. It really is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Sun, 03-23-2008 - 9:40am

I would just try to be a friend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2008
Sun, 03-23-2008 - 9:55am

"How long ago did his wife pass?"


She passed away last May, but they had been divorced for 3 years prior to that, so he has been dating for a while.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 03-23-2008 - 10:01am

Oh wow - so from their standpoint they have been through a LOT in a short amount of time - to go through a parent's divorce is very scary and rough and then to lose your mom. I think that has double the impact of just one by itself.

Sounds to me like you are very kind to think of them and I like how you are not sure you want to go exclusive that you are really thinking about this.

I guess one telling thing is to stand your ground and state your feelings and see what he does. Because that is a big deal in any relationship - how the other person respects your feelings and how you can find a compromise to 2 sets of feelings. I do think it is good he is thinking of the kids - so maybe you can state what you like but that you need more time?

At any rate, this is an interesting story and we would love updates along the way!! Thanks for stopping by!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Sun, 03-23-2008 - 10:41am

Last May?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
Sun, 03-23-2008 - 11:00am

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 03-23-2008 - 11:01am

"are wanting to put aside your interests in deference to their needs. That's the hardest part of mothering - right there! :-)"

AGREED!!!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2008
Sun, 03-23-2008 - 12:29pm

Thank you for saying that Soonee.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2006
Sun, 03-23-2008 - 1:58pm

Everyone here has already given such great advice and insight but I figured I'd chime in too. I think considering how long you & he have been dating, and considering its not exclusive on both sides, introducing the kids at this point would be a horrible idea. Especially if he's done it already, I'd say it has a lot to do with why his 12 yr old is reluctant to warm up or like the women. In her mind she probably doesn't see them sticking around at all and it's one after another. Ugh.


When the time comes to meet them, down the road or what have you, I also agree, something way less informal. Like at a park or mall or something. Not a dinner where they're forced to sit and interact with you or sit in awkward silence.

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