He loves me, but could leave if.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2004
He loves me, but could leave if.....
13
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 11:17am
Okay, here's a long story as short as I could possibly get it... been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. We've met the parents (and his flew in from CA to Chicago to meet my parents and I) the "I Love Yous" have been said, and there have been innuendos toward some serious issues (kids, spending the rest of his life with me, a ring, etc.)

I'm in no rush for these things, however, I was hoping that we were headed in that direction. Just to note: he's been the one to bring up or hint to the serious issues.

Problem: I have a son, which he barely knows and hasn't gotten close to. He spends his time with me when my son is with his dad, and schedules his days so he works when I have my son. I had to moveback in with my parents b/c I went back to college, and he doesn't feel comfortable at their house, not to mention he's terrribly allergic to cats, of which there are like 7 in the house. His house is being remodeled, or at least that's his excuse, so he doesn't feel comfortable with my son going there for the most part.

Recently he told me that he was afraid to get close to him for a few reasons, the most important being that his job could move him miles and miles away and he doesn't want Max (my son) to get attached.

But I informed him that if he moved, it was most likely that I would have to stay here as well, because I have joint custody, and the only way to move away with my son would be if I got remarried and my husband got a job somewhere, or if I got a new job somewhere. And even then there would have to be a court battle.

So now I'm basically finding out that he wants to be with me and he loves me, but if a promotion drags him acoss the country, he's going to take it and that would be all for us.

Do I stay with him and set myself up for heartbreak, or do I cut my losses now and hope that he doesn't get moved until he decides that I am possibly 'the one?'

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 11:50am
I feel your frustration because I was in this same position 2 years ago with a boyfriend I liked very much.

From the beginning, when we were getting to know each other, I asked him if he was located here permanently (we met online and this was one of my first questions). He said yes, he loves it here and has no plans to move.

Well, to make a long story short, we dated and got on really well - have a lot in common, strong feelings, etc. He even hinted towards marriage.

But all of this came under fire for the same thing. His employer offered him a very attractive position in Atlanta. It gets more complicated because I live near Fort Lauderdale and his kids are in Tampa. He was starting to have issues with his feelings for me because it made him feel like he abandoning them to have feelings for me.

At any rate, he really considered the position in Atlanta, and then turned it down. He ended up moving about an hour from here to be closer to his kids.

I know I want someone who is settled here. I don't ever want to be in a position to have to choose between my spouse and my child. Ultimately the decision would be my child, of course. So now I know I would not date someone who is not absolutely settled here, who is into the corporate-ladder-climbing-and-can-be-relocated-thing.

I cannot tell you what morals and values you should have - but I can tell you that if I was in the same position I would cast him into the pond. He is holding back from you in my opinion.

When you are thinking about children and life commitments, everything has to feel in place. I don't think you have that - or he would not hold back like this.

Maybe he needs to miss you in order to value what he has with you and say he would choose you over his career. Or maybe your prince is around the corner and you needed this to value the new prince? I am not sure. But I do wish you luck with this one.

I hope I have helped you in some way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2004
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 11:59am
You have helped. You put into words exactly the things I was thinking and feeling. Now I think it's just up to me to decide what I should do, and that's so difficult, as I'm sure you know. I knew from the beginnig that he is really business mined, and a limb up the career ladder is exactly what he wants to do at this stage in his life.. I think the miscomunication arose from him thinking that I could just up and move with my son should he take a new position elsewhere. He knows its not the case, but I don't think he wants to lose me....I just have to wonder why..is it because he really loves ME or other things he gets from me....but thatnk you, your post really did help me out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 12:11pm
How old are both of you now?

I think you have to be very blunt. You cannot and do not want to move all over the country with his career. So he has to choose now. Personally I think a family is a better choice than a career in these troubled times. Companies go through all sorts of drama - downsizing, selling out to other companies. In one day your whole life can change if you only depend on a job from someone else. But those are my values - it is HIS values that count at this point.

Don't waste any more time with him. Life is too short and you don't want to miss out on the right person for you.

I am glad to help you. This whole board is so full of experienced people who all lend so much support. I know they would all be here more if it wasn't a holiday!!

Welcome!! Do participate often. We all have so much to learn from each other.

Avatar for mom_x_three
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 12:15pm
Just me....but I'm having serious doubts that he's telling you the truth about the reasons he's holding back from meeting your son. The reasons he's giving you all sound more likely for someone in a "getting to know you" stage of a relationship...not a two year relationship with "hints" of marriage.

Also...he seems to have it in mind that IF he were to get a transfer a. he would take it regardless of whether or not it means an end to your relationship...and b. he seems to "assume" that it would mean an end to your relationship, hence not wanting your child to get attached. Quite honestly, that doesn't seem like a man who has a permanent relationship with you in mind.

To me....If "I" am interested in permanence with someone...I'm looking at how they fit into any choices I make...both short and long term. Would this work for us? Would he/she be able to deal with this? Would it be better for us to turn down more money/transfer for the time being? ETC....not, this is what I want/plan to do...and if it doesn't fit for you, then too bad. I'm sorry...I don't mean to be harsh...but I don't see him doing any of this.

Sherry<with 3 kids, 2 beautiful granddaughters

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2004
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 12:25pm
To west's question...I am 24 and he is 25.

To mom x Three

This is exactly what I think. And I told him....how can we continue our realationship if it would be that easy for you to just leave... We had this discussion once before, and I had said, 'So what, you were going to wait until you got the job and just pack your bags to take it without telling me about it first?" (He had heard about a promotion, but didn't mention it to me because he didn't want to scare me. He planned on telling me, only if he got it and had to move. I found out by accident) And he said to me 'I would say good-bye.' This was back in May, and I thought maybe he had had some time to think about our relationship and how important it was in his life...but then he brings this up and again, I feel as though he is using me to bide his time, and as much as I love him, and he says he loves me, I am finding it more difficult to justify a relationship with him. The only thing that I think I can do now is just lay it all out on the table for him. Because during our talk, he told me of 2 more might-happen job transfers that he was keeping from me until they became more real.

I was at another message board before I found this one, and I want to say thank you so much for helping me handle this with couth and maturity. I was called a selfish twit, and "his sex toy" by those board members. But in reality I think I've been hood-winked by a man I trusted.

Avatar for mom_x_three
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 12:46pm
I'm really sorry to hear that you were insulted when asking for advise on another board...

On one hand...in some ways you have been deceived. But on the other hand...looking at the bright side...your son didn't get attached to this guy (who is not worth his attachment), your intelligent enough to realize something wasn't right and ask for confirmation, and now you have the information you need to make a decision of where to go from here.

If your relationship goal is to married/settle down...than this guy isn't for you....I'd "cut my losses" now, take some time to grieve the loss of this relationship...and then look forward to meeting new people and finding someone with similar goals. Like the other poster said...if staying in the area is important to you and your son...then that should be a question that you want answered before getting too serious.

One thing it's important to learn...is that you can ask people about their goals in life and relationships...without asking "do you want to marry me"...you can ask someone "do you see yourself getting married" "what kind of relationship are you looking for"...and if asked at the beginning of a relationship...it saves a little heart break...because if your goals aren't the same...you can say "it was nice to meet you" but move on...

Sherry<with 3 kids, 2 beautiful granddaughters

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 6:11pm
Mom x three:

You said,

"One thing it's important to learn...is that you can ask people about their goals in life and relationships...without asking "do you want to marry me"...you can ask someone "do you see yourself getting married" "what kind of relationship are you looking for"...and if asked at the beginning of a relationship...it saves a little heart break...because if your goals aren't the same...you can say "it was nice to meet you" but move on..."

This is brilliant info and advice - I agree with you on this - you are so right. It is a lesson for all of us!!!! And very well put.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 6:14pm
Dear nodoubter1023,

Ah - so you are both young. You have time now - but at the same time you don't want to waste any more time.

I am sorry you were insulted on the other board. I hope you can look at the bright side of this and the positives that you got out of this relationship. You learned a lot of lessons that will help you find Mr. Right. Don't be bitter - this is not about you or rejection of you - it is all about him and his needs right now in his life. That is not your fault.

But now you know it is important to find someone who is ready to be settled near you and not move. And good thing your child did not get attached. You have done everything right.

Stay with us - we will be nice to you here!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 12:16am
I think you are holding on, waiting for this man to change...and it's not going to happen. He should have long ago met your child and built a relationship with him. AFter two years, he knows all he needs to know about you to know if you're the one for him.

I think he loves you 'in his way', but not in the way that you deserve to be loved and certainly not in the way that your son needs to be loved. I vote for throwing this guy to the curb. The sooner you move on, the sooner you're on your way to finding someone that wants to marry you and be a stepparent to your child.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 10:45am
So does it say in the custody papers that you MUST stay put? I ask this because I am the custodial parent, however, my ex has visitation rights every other weekend and other times depending on holidays, etc. But my son lives with me otherwise. There is nothing in the papers that says I can't move. If I am in a relationship or a job moves us, it's my choice to go and he will see our son as time permits. There is nothing he can do.

I am now remarried and I have moved an hour from my home. I moved before I got married...with my now husband. EX still sees our son regularly, but he knows taht the business my husband is in (the car business) he can decide to take a better offer elsewhere and we'll be gone. IMO, the ex chose to cheat and stay in another state, so why should I consider his wishes? He never considered mine and still doesn't.

I think you should look at your papers again and if possible, consult your attorney about the conditions with you moving away. If there is even the slightest possibilty you can go with this man to the new location (if he moves) then you have to look into it. If you two love each other, then you have to try. I can understand him not wanting to get too attached to your son if he thinks he could move, but he also can't sit and think this will happen soon because it might not happen, or at least not soon. He's living his life around the possibility. And what if he goes and you stay behind for a while? So you have a LD thing for a little while. He can visit and if it's meant to be, you get engaged, get married and go with him. It can work.

Just think positive. And talk to your attorney about the limitations on your relocating.

Mel

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