As I read your post, I thought the exact same thing Mark thought. That you guys DO love each other, and you ARE showing love towards each other, but because you have different Love Languages, and because you understand different love languages, the messages are not getting across. It's like he's speaking Spanish to you, and you are speaking French to him. And the message is THERE... but you don't understand or receive it because you don't speak that language.
So he seems to have Physical Touch as his main love language. He likes to touch you, and by touching you, he is showing his love for you. But when you pull away from his touch, he sees you pulling away from his "love". And from his point of view, it doesn't matter what your reasons are, as to WHY you might pull away (his hands are cold at the time, you need more time to "warm up" to the affection)- the fact is, he is feeling rejected because you are refusing his love.
And when you tell him the "I love yous" often... you're showing him love... but he misses the message, because he's listening for the Spanish (the touch), but the "I love you" is in French and he doesn't catch it. And so I guess that may be where he says that he thinks you are trying to "cover up" something- because the Words of Affirmation is probably pretty low on his list of Love Languages (and doesn't mean much). It might even mean so little that he interprets them as a negative thing.
So does that mean you are mis-matched and doomed? I don't think so. I think this is something you guys can discuss, and if you both understand how the Love Languages work, then you can start recognizing the signs of love that you BOTH do show, and show often. And once you both start "seeing the love", you might be surprised at just how much you DO love each other! I think the only time that the relationship is doomed, is if both partners are aware of the existing love languages, and how important it is to show love in the manner that the partner understands- but yet STILL refuses to show love that way. I think that will just lead to an empty relationshp... or as Biker tried to put into words, the relationship having "no soul".
I think you guys have "soul" in your relationship. I just think the message isn't getting communicated the best way it can. You can learn Spanish, and he can learn French... or the two of you together, can also learn German and find other ways (one of the other Love Languages) where you can find the right communication as well.
Another train of thought I had about the "soul in a relationship" thing- is that maybe he is wanting to feel that "high" of the relationship when it's flying and fun and glorious. And maybe right now it's in a "dull moment" and he's not feeling that high. If this is the case, then he should understand that a relationship won't always have that "high" ALL the time. There will be times when you feel like you're flying, and other times when it just seems like the relationship is simply "there". It happens. It ebbs and flows. And just because it's not on a "high" -doesn't mean the relationship is over or should end!
I've been dating Hiker for over 2 yrs... and there are times when I just feel like I could simply BURST from how much I love him. And then there are other times when I don't. But that doesn't mean the love ended or died. It's just that no relationship maintains that "high" all the time. We have other things in our lives that take away our focus and energies... and that's normal. Like I said... ebb and flow.
I just wanted to add to this post that I think from my post on soulmates..If you look at the reply by "happydaysrhere" she has explained in very well.. That incredible feeling of "knowing the other person inside out..deep communication possibilities"..I think this is what Biker wants.
I figured this out last night. And I know that he will not commit unless he gets that feeling. I
I really think you should NOT live with him until you can get a commitment. Because I don't think living together encourages the bond he seeks - I think it clouds the water. Because while it gives you more time, it also brings about many issues you have to resolve, that are not romantic or "bond-enticing" like paying bills, doing laundry, cleaning the toilets and stuff like that.
What he sees is what he gets. The thing is, he has to love what he sees. You have given him a lot of good and your very best so far. If he loves it and wants to commit that is great and if not, well, then, you have to be true to your clock.
I think from all you have written here, you are very smart and will get what you want - the only question remains - with whom?
I think a coffee date is a good idea right now.......with yourself! Why? To be able to go someplace and think, to ponder :o)
I have been wondering, after your recent posts a question that you do not have to answer, for it is pretty personal! But what a great soundiong board this place is to talk!
Here's me question. Much like me, you tend to take things and analize them (there are a LOT of us like that here!!) I hear in your posts concern, dedication, and curiosity about your relationship with Biker. I feel you want him to be in your life, possible forever. My question is, do you feel passion towards him? Do you find yourself thinking of him in a way that makes you just know...I love this guy...I love him for everything he is and everything we can be together. I KNOW you love him, you would not be writing about him if you didn't! On that same thought...are you IN love with him? I am asking you this because I made it a priority in my life after I got divorced...to listen to my heart, and to never be with a guy who did not really make me FEEL in love. I sacrificed that deep passion in my marriage, because my husband was a good person, a good friend. Wow, I truly hope you do not feel upset by my question. I am just remembering how I moved in with and then married my Ex, without really, really knowing I was in LOVE for the long haul. We all make those mistakes, I guess.
It's so great that you ARE a thinker, and you are willing to evaluate your life with Biker before you move in.
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As I read your post, I thought the exact same thing Mark thought. That you guys DO love each other, and you ARE showing love towards each other, but because you have different Love Languages, and because you understand different love languages, the messages are not getting across. It's like he's speaking Spanish to you, and you are speaking French to him. And the message is THERE... but you don't understand or receive it because you don't speak that language.
So he seems to have Physical Touch as his main love language. He likes to touch you, and by touching you, he is showing his love for you. But when you pull away from his touch, he sees you pulling away from his "love". And from his point of view, it doesn't matter what your reasons are, as to WHY you might pull away (his hands are cold at the time, you need more time to "warm up" to the affection)- the fact is, he is feeling rejected because you are refusing his love.
And when you tell him the "I love yous" often... you're showing him love... but he misses the message, because he's listening for the Spanish (the touch), but the "I love you" is in French and he doesn't catch it. And so I guess that may be where he says that he thinks you are trying to "cover up" something- because the Words of Affirmation is probably pretty low on his list of Love Languages (and doesn't mean much). It might even mean so little that he interprets them as a negative thing.
So does that mean you are mis-matched and doomed? I don't think so. I think this is something you guys can discuss, and if you both understand how the Love Languages work, then you can start recognizing the signs of love that you BOTH do show, and show often. And once you both start "seeing the love", you might be surprised at just how much you DO love each other! I think the only time that the relationship is doomed, is if both partners are aware of the existing love languages, and how important it is to show love in the manner that the partner understands- but yet STILL refuses to show love that way. I think that will just lead to an empty relationshp... or as Biker tried to put into words, the relationship having "no soul".
I think you guys have "soul" in your relationship. I just think the message isn't getting communicated the best way it can. You can learn Spanish, and he can learn French... or the two of you together, can also learn German and find other ways (one of the other Love Languages) where you can find the right communication as well.
Another train of thought I had about the "soul in a relationship" thing- is that maybe he is wanting to feel that "high" of the relationship when it's flying and fun and glorious. And maybe right now it's in a "dull moment" and he's not feeling that high. If this is the case, then he should understand that a relationship won't always have that "high" ALL the time. There will be times when you feel like you're flying, and other times when it just seems like the relationship is simply "there". It happens. It ebbs and flows. And just because it's not on a "high" -doesn't mean the relationship is over or should end!
I've been dating Hiker for over 2 yrs... and there are times when I just feel like I could simply BURST from how much I love him. And then there are other times when I don't. But that doesn't mean the love ended or died. It's just that no relationship maintains that "high" all the time. We have other things in our lives that take away our focus and energies... and that's normal. Like I said... ebb and flow.
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
Thanks to all of you. What a wonderful place this is. Every time I come here with a vent I go back with such great ideas
I just wanted to add to this post that I think from my post on soulmates..If you look at the reply by "happydaysrhere" she has explained in very well.. That incredible feeling of "knowing the other person inside out..deep communication possibilities"..I think this is what Biker wants.
I figured this out last night. And I know that he will not commit unless he gets that feeling. I
I really think you should NOT live with him until you can get a commitment. Because I don't think living together encourages the bond he seeks - I think it clouds the water. Because while it gives you more time, it also brings about many issues you have to resolve, that are not romantic or "bond-enticing" like paying bills, doing laundry, cleaning the toilets and stuff like that.
What he sees is what he gets. The thing is, he has to love what he sees. You have given him a lot of good and your very best so far. If he loves it and wants to commit that is great and if not, well, then, you have to be true to your clock.
I think from all you have written here, you are very smart and will get what you want - the only question remains - with whom?
I agree that you should slow down on the whole moving in with Biker idea.
I wouldn't go on coffee dates with others unless you're ready for NEXT, but that's because I'm assuming that you and Biker have been exclusive for a
Dance-
I think a coffee date is a good idea right now.......with yourself! Why? To be able to go someplace and think, to ponder :o)
I have been wondering, after your recent posts a question that you do not have to answer, for it is pretty personal! But what a great soundiong board this place is to talk!
Here's me question. Much like me, you tend to take things and analize them (there are a LOT of us like that here!!) I hear in your posts concern, dedication, and curiosity about your relationship with Biker. I feel you want him to be in your life, possible forever. My question is, do you feel passion towards him? Do you find yourself thinking of him in a way that makes you just know...I love this guy...I love him for everything he is and everything we can be together. I KNOW you love him, you would not be writing about him if you didn't! On that same thought...are you IN love with him? I am asking you this because I made it a priority in my life after I got divorced...to listen to my heart, and to never be with a guy who did not really make me FEEL in love. I sacrificed that deep passion in my marriage, because my husband was a good person, a good friend. Wow, I truly hope you do not feel upset by my question. I am just remembering how I moved in with and then married my Ex, without really, really knowing I was in LOVE for the long haul. We all make those mistakes, I guess.
It's so great that you ARE a thinker, and you are willing to evaluate your life with Biker before you move in.
Edited 1/17/2008 1:32 pm ET by pacific_sun
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