Is he ready to be a father figure?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2004
Is he ready to be a father figure?
6
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 3:43pm
Hi I am a 22year old single mother. I have a 3year old son who is my world. I have been dating this guy for over a year now and we have talked about marriage and getting a house together,but that's all he does is just talk about it. I don't know if he is just scared of committment or what. I have asked him if he is ready to be a father figure to my son and to have a marriage and he has told me yes, but his actions don't show that. He can't save money very well. He doesn't really have any debt because he got rid of that while he was over seas in iraq, but he likes to go out and have a good time. His big thing is going to bars and hanging out. He ends up spending a good amount of money and he always buys rounds for other people. I have asked him to stop and he will but then he goes back to it again. We both have ok jobs and are able to pay our bills, so I don't understand why he keeps saying that we aren't going to be able to afford to get married and live together. Please give me some opinions, I need an outsiders view. Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 6:10pm
My opinion based on the very limited information you've given us is that he is not ready for committment. Not if making a committment to you would mean changing his current lifestyle. He likes to party and spend money and that is where he is at right now. He is not about saving money and planning a future. I don't think you can force that upon him. If he is young, coming back from the war, with little or no other responsibilities, that may not be what he wants to take on right now. He may say it is, but actions speak louder than words. If I were you, I would not entertain ideas of marriage or settling down with him until he reaches the level of committment and security you're asking for and he's got to reach that level on his own.
Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 7:53pm
Hi

I'm sorry but I have to agree, he's not ready for committment. It's easier just to say "We can't afford to get married." then "I'm scared" or "I'm not ready". You are going to have to decide if you want to wait this out or move on. I'd love to hear more about your relationship and your son as well.

Hugs

Tara

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 8:58pm
I have to agree with the others. He's just enjoying his life as a single guy. I'm sure he adores you and your son, but he isn't quite there yet. He wants to go out and enjoy time at bars. Nothing wrong with that, but he never should have given you the idea that he wanted more if he wasn't ready. My advice to you is to decide if that's okay with you for now. If it is, assure him of it. Let him know that you love him and even though you hope one day he will be ready, you understand if he isn't right now. But also let him know that you don't plan to wait forever. Don't give him an ultimatum though. He'll run. Fast! Be patient. Some guys are slower to move than others. You've been together a year and that's not an incredibly long time. Some people date a couple of years before committing for life. Give him some time and if it gets to be too hard, then you have to move on with your life. But you know you tried and that's all you could do, right?

Hugs!

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 9:35pm
Hi kitkatbear,

It is hard to know the whole story from what you have written here. But I would say that he is not ready now. His actions make that very clear.

Your profile indicates that you live at home and you work and have a 3 year old. Looks like you are doing well as a single mom. You are still young. Take your time and make a good choice.

A few of us here have read the book, "He's Just Not That Into You" - and we have all commented on how much we like it. In your situation, I think this is the case. If he was "that into you" then he would want to make you happy and commit. Don't settle for less than that. It is not about you - there is nothing wrong with you - it is about him.

Keep in touch with us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Fri, 10-29-2004 - 11:12am
I would stop asking him if he's ready for commitment. If a guy is ready, he needs to do the asking. He needs to pursue you. If a guy is ready, you don't have to do a lot of work. He will. He probably loves you and thinks the world of you, but he sounds very immature. The partying is not a good sign at all. There are men out there who don't need to party on a regular basis. When a guy reaches a certain level of maturity, he will leave the drinking behind.

I'm not saying that you have to break-up with your boyfriend. Just back off a little. Cultivate some other interests. Don't play games...like hard to get. Live and plan your life without him in the picture. If he's not ready, then you will already have the plan in place to live without him. If he decides to stay with you, then that's a bonus.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 10-29-2004 - 12:05pm
Fivesense, you are RIGHT ON with this advice!!!!!!