Is he still interested????

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2007
Is he still interested????
8
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 8:16pm

Hello,

Ok, so I've been seeing this guy for almost a month. At the beginning I told him I was very hesitant about him meeting my kids as I don't want to just bring anyone around them. He has a 4 year old so we ended up meeting each others kids but made it look totally casual so they wouldn't think anything. Well things started getting a little steamy and we started showing affection around the kids. We've already done the deed (maybe it was too soon) but now he seems to be a little distant. When we talk on the phone we run out of things to say. I want to ask him if he is still interested but I don't want to sound desperate or insecure....what do you think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2006
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 2:45am
I am in the same situation(i think). I did "the deed" too early, and I think I am being blown off. What should I do, if anything?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2007
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 6:26am

Hi Shortcake,

I don't know what to tell you. I am in the mind frame that he's just a man and there are other fish in the sea. If he blows you off after that then he's not worth your time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 8:26am

For both of you, I would say to be interested in yourselves, and interesting. If this particular guy isn't into you, another one will be.

Not knowing the situation, I would say if he's contacting you, he's interested- but if you're running out of things to say, cut the conversation short, or have something in mind to talk about.

If you're the ones always doing the calling, emailing, texting, stop for a while, and see if he contacts you. If he doesn't, don't call him, but get busy with your life.

If you're exclusive, don't go on other dates, but plan things with your friends and just do whatever you did before you met him.

Be happy being alone, and look at any time with the guy as the cherry on the top of a sundae- just a small part of life and so sweet, but not necessary for the enjoyment of the rest of the sundae.

Keep us posted!

Moody, who must be hungry


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 8:35am
I agree with this 100%.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 8:45am

Oh that sucks, both of you! But I know VERY well how that song and dance goes. I've been there before (in my crazy 20's) when I would find guys disappearing after the sex came too soon. Not to generalize about ALL men, but I did find that most men can lose interest in a woman if they were interested in only the hunt. So once the hunt was done (woman/sex conquered), then they were ready to move on. Or they have a thought that the sex is fun, but a woman who would give in to them so soon, wasn't a woman they would want 'to take home' or keep. I used to fall for the thought that I could keep a man by having sex with him- but it's often the opposite. He actually loses respect for you if you don't stand up for yourself and wait until there is something bigger there than just steam before making that move. And once he loses respect for you as a valuable person... then he will lose interest in pursuing ANY relationship with you.

Sure, there is that possibility that it wasn't the sex hunt issue that was the problem, but just that personalities that didn't match up. There is the possibility that if you were meant to be, then the sex would've only enhanced everything. But unless you KNEW that before the sex happened, you can't know for sure! And there is no way to know if a man is going to stick around for you if the dating has only been less than a month. Next time, just wait on the sex part until you have a strong feeling that he is going to be around to stay, and that there is more to the relationship than 'the hunt' and make him wait. And that way, if the personalities just don't mesh and you and he part ways early on anyway- at least then you won't be left feeling used because you'd had sex and he leaves.

I don't think you can put any set time on the time frame though. You can't mark on the calendar "X dates" or X weeks" or "X months" or whatever- before having sex. I think that's something you just have to gauge with each situation individually. But the main thing is, if you have ANY doubt as to whether your dating or relating is anything but solid, then don't go for the sex (unless you're okay with a just a fling). In general though- less than a month is just not enough time to know if your relationship is solid or not.

I'd just say to chalk all this up to experience (I've had too much experience of this type myself) and move on. If a guy is going to dump you after the sex happens, then his goal was not to have a relationship, but just to get sex. You don't want to keep him anyway, so forget about him and it's not even important what his reasons were for losing interest. You just know that he's already proven himself not the type of man you would want to continue a relationship with anyway- so let him be gone.

Still, it bites. So lots of hugs and chocolate for you both!

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 9:07am
Oh Shrimps - this is very good! Very true and well written for all of us. We are so lucky to have so many wonderful women on this board!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 9:22am

Thanks, Judy!

I just think that there are enough questionable factors in what makes or breaks a fledgling relationship anyway- but to take out the sex factor until there IS some strong foundation present first... it just makes it alot less complicating. That whole "worth the wait" campaign for teens and sex??? It works for adults, too! I'm not advocating waiting til after marriage for sex (I tend to like the test-drive before buying) but just for all the women to at least wait until they KNOW the man better and what his character is like first. Wait until there are no more questions about how he is or who he is or whether he is interested or not. And not until then, should we allow the sex to happen. WE ARE worth the wait.

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 9:38am

And I didn't mean to go off on that "sex tangent" but that was just what stood out in those initial posts.

As for how to tell if a man is genuinely interested or not- then what Moody said here is what I'd say! Don't spend your energies chasing the man, but spend your energies in making your OWN life more interesting. Do the stuff you love and do stuff that expands your horizons (skills and knowledge) and expands your social circles (make friends, not just looking for dates). Keep your life busy so you WON'T have that urge to get a man to fill in your bored days.

Don't be the one always calling or contacting him. Leave him alone enough so you can know that he is COMING TO YOU when you have contact, not that you're always the one catching him. If he doesn't contact you (or doesn't contact you often enough), then maybe he just isnt' the right man for you. You don't want a relationship with a man who you can't rely on, who doesn't meet your needs, and who you have to chase down and drag in. If these guys don't keep things going, then better to know now and move on without wasting too much time.

Also- if you have any questions about things- just ASK him. If you wonder what his long-term or short term goals are in relation to dating- just ASK. I don't see why that would be a problem, and he SHOULD be honest in answering. If not- or if you sense that he is hosing you by telling you some packaged answer, then take that with a grain of salt and watch his actions carefully to see if he backs it up. You really won't know if you're on the same page about trying to form a relationship or not- unless you communicate.

~shrimpy, all about asking the tough questions early, before there is too much to lose

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<