He wants to have sex...tonight!
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| Mon, 05-28-2007 - 2:00pm |
I received a text from Shane. I know texting is not romantic, but after 4 days of no contact since he had a big sale at work all weekend...including today, I'll take it. OK and my phone gets little signal in here at my job and I can't talk much since I am on the phone a lot on my work phone.
Anyway, he and I have spoken about it and he always said he was not opposed to it. He just needed to be ready to take that step. Well....here we are. I want to so bad. I am nervous about it though. Not that I will screw up and cry during since I love him so much, but that after so much time, I will have forgotten how to satisfy him.
I wouldn't if I had not heard my counselor say it was fine for us to be intimate if we could both understand that we were not together again necessarily just because we slept together. Intimate encounters are a good way to connect, and she said it was perfectly normal for us to want that. I am not sure if I will allow him to stay overnight. I might tell him he has to leave, but I feel like I might let him stay. I guess it all depends on how I feel after. But I will not cuddle up to him after. I will go to my own side and act as if it were just a sexual encounter to me and that I was okay with it just being that. I am going to have sex with him, though. We spoke about it not long ago and he just said that he was not quite ready but if I could just wait until he was then we'd get together.
SO big smiles tomorrow at work.
Wish me luck though, as I have been dreaming of this step for a long time.
~MEL~

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Sorry Mel, but I would be telling him no.
Mel,
I agree with this 100%.
Tell him you want him big time - you want to have hot steamy sex. But you want it as his wife with him back in your house. Stick to that sweety.
Sex without the exclusivity and commitment just gives us all bad behavior!
I'll sing back up here.
This was snipped from taken a story written by Lauren Green for Fox, and it talks about the damage of Booty Calls (sex for sex's sake).
I dont think anything anyone says here will change your mind - but if you posted , I assume you were expecting feedback.
I would be searching for a NEW therapist who has your best interests at heart.
I'm not worried that I'll cry during the sex or even after, I'm worried that because it's been a while that I will not be very good at satisfying him and that because of me being nervous, I'll not perform well and the experience will be dull.
I have had sex for the sake of sex before and then rolled over and asked them to leave. I can do that. Yes, love him immensely and do not want him to leave, but if I have to tell him to go, well, I will.
I will say this, we did not have sex last night. He had to be at work at 545 this AM to travel to Dallas for an auto auction. He's the used car manager so he needed to go buy some cars. He would ahve stayed but I insisted he go home to his place and sleep so he could get up early. He said he'd like to come over tonight or tomorrow night and stay and I told him that was fine.
Here's some background info.
Since the split, Shane and I have spoken about sex. If we would, when, etc. I have always been the one to push it, but he was always the one to say he was afrid of hurting me emotionally and was not ready to take that step in our relationship because he wanted to be sure we were at the point where it was right. He really does care about me and how I feel. I asked him if he wanted to and he said he ALWAYS wants to and he is still very attracted to me in every way, but his feeling has been that because we are separated he should hold off and give us both time to heal some emotionally before we take that step. He said when he feels better, he will talk to me about it and see how I feel and when he notices a change in me (ie...more confidence, better attitude towards things) he will know I am better and more able to accept a night together or more. I think this is a positive step and that maybe he's wanting to work more on things and the night together will be a step towards reconciliation. I could be wrong, but I will say this...I am no booty call. I am special to him and I know that. He has never treated anyone like a booty call. Whatever happens, I am in control of ME. I promise he will not hurt me. I won't allow it.
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I know you probably feel a bit "attacked" here for this but I have to agree with the others and say that the sex thing would be a bad idea right now. I think you are getting stronger and I do think you've grown since you first recently posted here about everything (and I didn't know you from before, like some of the CLs apparently do)... but I just don't get the feeling (from reading your posts) that you are strong enough for that step at this point.
You've gone from defending Shane and telling us all how great he is and how you want him back, to saying things that tell us that you are unable to trust him and are accusing him of this or that when he is not with you. And you say that he IS faithful and that he hasn't ever cheated on you, and seem to really want us all to know how great he is... but yet you still don't trust him and are insecure about your relationship??
I understand that you know that the insecurity stems from how your ex-H treated you, and how HE did cheat on you- and it wasn't Shane. And that it's not Shane's fault for that stuff- it was pre-Shane. But don't you think you should work on THAT part of your issues first, before ever trying to let Shane back into your life? It's not fair to HIM if you are trying to let him seep back in, but you haven't resolved the infidelity issues you have from your previous marriage. You've said yourself that you realize now that you haven't healed from that, and shouldn't have gotten married before getting all that resolved first. So why try to repeat that again, by trying to bring Shane back in again, before you've thoroughly healed from the infidelity issues yet? You'll just be repeating the beginning of your marriage with Shane, and you'll just end up back where you are again.
I guess I just don't feel confident that you're ready to take these getting-back-together steps just yet, and by doing it too soon, you WILL end up more insecure and unsure because it will open you up emotionally all over again. I just can't see how you can have a strong marriage without a strong foundation of TRUST, and right now, that trust just isn't there. I don't think Shane is able to trust YOU either- that you won't get insecure again if he takes that step for intimacy. From what you just posted, it seems like HE understands the emotional dangers of you two having sex right now, more than you do.
It is surprising how sex can bring a couple together... but it is also dangerous in how much it can leave you empty & hurt as well. So IMO, this is not something to take lightly or go into too soon.
Many hugs to you, but I think the boardies are just wanting to protect you from getting hurt or taking a step backwards because you might not realize it until it's already happened and you find it didn't help things.
~shrimpy, truly wishing the best for you, but knowing it won't be 'magic'
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
Your kindness bangs a gong - as the Counting Crows song goes. I think you are so sweet and so kind and it is breaking all of our hearts that you would care more about him than you.
We have to figure out how to toughen you up!! :-)
Well said, Shrimps.
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