He wants kids, you don't - is that ok?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
He wants kids, you don't - is that ok?
5
Fri, 06-15-2007 - 10:30am

Okay - I had an "OLD incident" that warrants a discussion here - because I don't ever remember seeing this discussed before. It is a what would you do kind of thing - or better still - if someone here has experienced it that is even better!!

This guy has been emailing me for a week. He really wants to meet. But, my reservation is that he has "definitely wants 2 kids" checked in his profile. And at 45, my bakeshop is closed. LOL!! My DS is 11 and he just got himself ready for summer camp and rode there (it is like a block away) all by himself - I was out running. THAT is so huge - could not go back to a screaming infant and diaper bag never mind toddlerhood.

So, my being my brash self, says to him - I do see that we have things in common for our profile - but your profile says you want kids - and I am 45 and have an 11 year old son and am done having kids - do you really see that as a match. And he says he wants to be happy first and the kids part is not that important and besides I have a great pair of legs.

That put me off. But he is a guy and they are very visual. But he has been writing again and says he wants to take me out this weekend or just to talk. He has written like 5 times.

So, I am not sure what to do. At the very least it is a GREAT topic for us. I welcome all thoughts here - because that is what I love about this board. Even when someone madly disagrees I always think about what they say and love all the opinions.

Do you think his "wanting to have kids" would go away? Or would he gather his conquest and excuse himself to have them? His age is 41 and he is seeking 25 to 44.

What would you do? Have you experienced this or seen anyone else in the same boat and if so what was the outcome?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Fri, 06-15-2007 - 12:16pm

Well I guess it depends on how serious the guy is about having his own kids one day. If a guy is okay having MY child(ren) as a part of his life without having his own offspring then that would be fine. If he isn't fine with that then I would tell him that I am happy with my child(ren) and am not looking to have any more.

The thing is, and I may be a skeptic here but men DO try this, would he think he could get you right where he wants you and THEN try to pressure you with the babymaking thing? Dirty and underhanded but, hey, I don't put it past them! lol

If he is serious about having his own kids, I would tell him to keep his search to women who DO state they want more children and put him in the NEXT pile. :)

Good question Judy.

Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Fri, 06-15-2007 - 8:52pm

Well, I have had this experience, too.

I always had no more kids selected on my profile, and I remeber several guys having wants kids selected. For me, I always am up front and honest about it.

Spec wanted kids, as did the therapist. I definitely didn't, and don't, want any more. For the therapsit, it was a definite issue. We knew we weren't a match- but we ended up having a great friendship. Spec thought he would be able to deal with not having any, but he only lasted about three weeks. I don't know if it was the kids that did it, but in the end we obviously weren't a match.

I think wanting kids is a very big deal. Yes, it helps to find someone to love, but I think the people who know they want children will resent having given that up if they do. I also think the person who doesn't want kids and knows it should make it very clear, as you've done, from the beginning.

Good topic!

Moody, who has her hands full with just two


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Fri, 06-15-2007 - 9:02pm

When someone checks the 'want kids' box, I never know if they want to make them from scratch, or if my existing ones will do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 9:32am
I never go out with someone that wants kids. I had my tubes tied a couple of years ago and am looking for someone who is more settled in life and is looking for a companion to share the next phase in life. That's why I usually go for men in their 40's and definately NOT younger than me. I don't see the sense of getting emotionally attached to someone that wants his own kids.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 2:16pm
Okay - thanks to all. He did go in the trash and he is going to stay in the trash. There are plenty of young babymakers waiting for him that he can be thrilled to be with. I am just not in that boat anymore.